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Useless Bard
“And now to commemorate our grand victory, I shall compose an original song, praising—Please stop hitting me!”
A bard is a poet, minstrel, and storyteller all rolled into one. Their craft takes many years of training as well as a
certain natural talent. And yet, surprising no one at all, a bard is not a terribly useful adventuring companion. Oh,
you try your best. You chronicle your friends’ exploits, do your best to inspire them to great deeds, and even put
yourself in harm’s way, but somehow it seems like the best you can be is the world’s punching bag. Yours is not a
happy lot in life, but you’re not going to give up!
Creating a Useless Bard
To create a useless bard, choose a name, look, stats, moves, temptations, heart’s desire, and connections.
Name
Given Name: Anton, Calanon, Camille, Canter, Edward, Elan, Eleniel, Gustave, Melody, Octague, Paulette, Pene-
lope
Family Name: Camus, Chevalier, Dubois, Galliard, Menard, Orleans, Trudeau
Look
Slender, effeminate, long blond hair, excessive makeup
Prissy minstrel, rock star, court jester with bells, ridiculous frills, top hat
Lute, magic wand, flute, guitar, microphone, keytar, songbook, jester’s wand with bells, puppet
Stats
Choose one set:
Bloody-Minded+2, Charming-1, Eldritch+1, Mighty=0, Shifty+1
Bloody-Minded+1, Charming+1, Eldritch+2, Mighty-1, Shifty-1
Bloody-Minded+2, Charming=0, Eldritch+1, Mighty-1, Shifty+1
Bloody-Minded+1, Charming-1, Eldritch+2, Mighty=0, Shifty+1
Moves
You get all of the basic moves, plus two of the following useless bard moves.
Annoying Song: When you give a musical performance, you can be pretty amazingly irritating to listen to.
Roll+eldritch. On a miss someone has an urge to hit you. On a 10+ everyone else in the area is incapacitated un-
less they can endure strife and delicate objects may break. On a 7-9 pick one:
You draw attention from others to yourself.
Your music breaks something delicate.
Eerie Stamina: If you’ve fallen down, roll+bloody-minded. On a 10+ you get up, strangely unharmed. On a 7-9
you get up, looking like a terrible mess, and collapse again a short while later.
Lullaby: Although you don’t mean it to turn out that way, you have a knack for putting people to sleep, probably
by reciting what’s supposed to be a rousing epic poem. On a miss someone will most likely tell you to shut up. On
a 7-9 you can put people to sleep if they’re already tired, and on a 10+ you can put people to sleep regardless of