Mindfulness for Children

Mindfulness for Children - Well Guides - The New York Times

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By David Gelles

Illustrations by Sam Kalda

Children of all ages can benefit from mindfulness, the simple practice of bringing

a gentle, accepting attitude to the present moment. It can help parents and

caregivers, too, by promoting happiness and relieving stress. Here, we offer basic

tips for children and adults of all ages, as well as several activities that develop

compassion, focus, curiosity and empathy. And remember, mindfulness can be

fun.

What Is Mindfulness, and Why Do Kids Need It?

From our earliest moments, mindfulness can help minimize anxiety and increase

happiness.

How It Helps

Mindfulness for Children - Well Guides - The New York Times

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Adversity comes at us from the moment we are born. Infants get hungry and tired.

Toddlers grapple with language and self-control. And as children develop through

adolescence to become teenagers, life grows ever more complicated. Developing

relationships, navigating school and exercising independence — the very stuff of

growing up — naturally creates stressful situations for every child.

At each developmental stage, mindfulness can be a useful tool for decreasing

anxiety and promoting happiness. Mindfulness — a simple technique that

emphasizes paying attention to the present moment in an accepting, nonjudgmental

manner — has emerged as a popular mainstream practice in recent decades. It is

being taught to executives at corporations, athletes in the locker room, and

increasingly, to children both at home and in school.

Early Habits

Children are uniquely suited to benefit from mindfulness practice. Habits formed early

in life will inform behaviors in adulthood, and with mindfulness, we have the

opportunity to give our children the habit of being peaceful, kind and accepting.

“For children, mindfulness can offer relief from whatever difficulties they might be

encountering in life,” said Annaka Harris, an author who teaches mindfulness to

children. “It also gives them the beauty of being in the present moment.”

Part of the reason why mindfulness is so effective for children can be explained by the

way the brain develops. While our brains are constantly developing throughout our

lives, connections in the prefrontal circuits are created at their fastest rate during

childhood. Mindfulness, which promotes skills that are controlled in the prefrontal

cortex, like focus and cognitive control, can therefore have a particular impact on the

development of skills including self-regulation, judgment and patience during

childhood.

Modeling Mindfulness

Mindfulness isn’t something that can be outsourced. For parents and caregivers, the

best way to teach a child to be mindful is to embody the practice oneself.

“Learning mindfulness isn’t like piano lessons, where you can have someone else

teach it to your children,” said Susan Kaiser Greenland, a mindfulness instructor who

works with children. “You have to learn it yourself.”

Of course, being a parent is an incredibly stressful experience in its own right. For

those raising children, practicing mindfulness exercises — and ideally practicing

mindfulness meditation for even a few minutes a day — can be profoundly

beneficial, allowing caregivers to not only share the skills of happiness and

acceptance with a new generation, but also take better care of themselves at the

same time.

Mindfulness for Children - Well Guides - The New York Times

https://www.nytimes.com/guides/well/mindfulness-for-c hi ld ren

“In order to play the game of life mindfully,” said Sumi Loundon Kim, a Buddhist

chaplain at Duke University who works with youth, “you have to practice mindfulness.”

Related Guide

How to Meditate

Meditation is a simple practice available to all and can reduce stress, increase

calmness and clarity, and promote happiness. This guide offers basic tips to get you

started on a path toward greater equanimity, acceptance and joy.

More On Mindfulness for Children

Three Ways for Children to Try Meditation at Home

May 10, 2016

The Mindful Child

May 10, 2016

Mindfulness for Children - Well Guides - The New York Times

https://www.nytimes.com/guides/well/mindfulness-for-c hi ld ren

Giving Kids Some Meditation With Their Vacation

January 19, 2017

Infants

Even the youngest children can sense distraction. So work on being present.

Right From the Start

During the first year of life, the most effective way to share mindfulness with a child is

to embody it. Children are hungry for our attention and affection, and can sense when

parents or caregivers are distracted. So when you are with an infant, try to stay in the

present moment no matter what is happening.

In practice, this can be as simple as holding a baby quietly and maintaining eye

contact with a gentle, loving demeanor. “When the baby gazes at the parent, the

Mindfulness for Children - Well Guides - The New York Times

https://www.nytimes.com/guides/well/mindfulness-for-c hi ld ren

parent can gaze back,” said Ms. Kim. “That kind of reflective mirroring behavior is a

good way of teaching infancy mindfulness.”

Smartphones are popular, but distracting. Mindfulness teachers encourage parents

and caregivers to put down the phone and engage with a baby, even if it’s simply

making eye contact and smiling. “Instead of scrolling through email, put down the

device and be fully present and attentive,” said Ms. Kim.

Mothers and other caretakers have an opportunity to practice this several times a day,

when feeding their babies. “When you’re with your child, where’s your attention?”

said Jessica Morey, founder of Inward Bound Mindfulness Education, a nonprofit that

brings mindfulness training to youth. “That starts even from breast feeding.”

Stay Calm

When infants do become upset, try not to let that make you agitated. Doing so can

trigger an unhelpful cycle where parent and child are each feeding off each other’s

unhappiness. “Parents and children really co-regulate each other,” said Ms.

Greenland. “As the child starts screaming, if the parents escalates, too, they ratchet

each other up.”

When You Are Feeling Frustrated

For parents or caregivers who find themselves upset and out of touch with the present

moment, a popular mindfulness exercise known as S.T.O.P. can be helpful.

• Stop. Just take a momentary pause, no matter what you’re doing.

• Take a breath. Feel the sensation of your own breathing, which brings you back

to the present moment.

• Observe. Acknowledge what is happening, for good or bad, inside you or out.

Just note it.

• Proceed. Having briefly checked in with the present moment, continue with

whatever it was you were doing.

Movement

Being mindful is simple, but it’s not always easy. Especially when spending time with

infants, there can be many moments when caregiving is, well, boring. “There’s

nursing, there’s diapering, there’s feeding,” said Ms. Kim. “That’s about it.”

If you find your mind wandering, one way for parents to re-engage with

mindfulness is to move, either performing gentle yoga when the baby isn’t being

held, or trying out a walking meditation.

Mindfulness for Children - Well Guides - The New York Times

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“Too much of the mindfulness work is really oriented towards staying still,” says Ms.

Greenland. “If your nervous system is riled up, many people, especially those new to

practice, are better with moving.”

Thankful With Every Step

For parents with infants, it can be useful to cultivate a sense of gratitude. This

exercise, like others in this guide, is adapted from "Mindful Games," an activity card

set created by Ms. Greenland and Ms. Harris.

First, find a space where you can safely and comfortably walk indoors while holding

your child. If you’re not feeling particularly happy, that’s okay. The point of this

exercise is not to magically feel better. It is to experience the sensation of moving and

to focus your attention on the sensation of holding a baby and walking, and to focus

on the feeling of gratitude.

Holding the baby safely and then turn your gaze downward and begin walking slowly

and deliberately. Notice the feeling in each foot as you step. Do you feel the heel of

your foot, the ball of your foot and your toes? Parents naturally feel a range of

emotions when holding a child, from deep love to being intensely overwhelmed and

anxiety. If paying attention to your body makes you uncomfortable for any reason, you

can try listening to sounds as you walk instead. Simply listening to the orchestra of

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sounds while walking slowly — from the rustling of your clothes as you move, to

singing birds, to the everyday activity of your home — can be a calming break from

the constant caretaking required for an infant.

Then, every time you take a step, think of how much you appreciate your child, feeling

their warmth as you hold them. Silently repeat phrases that capture your gratitude for

the experience, such as “I’m thankful that I can hold you,” or “I’m thankful that you’re

smiling right now.”

Next try sending yourself and your baby well-wishes with each step. Caring for an

infant can be deeply exhausting, as all of your energy, day and night, is being devoted

to another human being. It’s an especially important time to be kind to yourself. Every

time you take a step, send yourself and your baby a wish. (You can use these wishes

or create personal ones in your own words.)

• May we be happy.

• May we be healthy and strong.

• May we sleep well soon.

• May this exhausting time together make our bond stronger.

• May we have compassion for each other.

As you turn around and retrace your steps, think of the ways your life is better

because of your child and continue the exercise. Remember that at times, infants

and caregivers can co-regulate. If a caregiver is feeling agitated, his or her walking

slowly and deliberately, with a focus on something other than the baby being upset

and worrying about how he or she will get the baby to calm down, will settle the

caregiver, which in turn may help regulate the baby.

Meditation for Real Life

How to Be Mindful Holding a Baby

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Remember that whatever state of being that your baby is in at any particular moment,

it is not a permanent condition.

Toddlers

Raising children between the ages of 2 and 4 can be incredibly rewarding and

immensely challenging.

Moving On

In the course of months, toddlers discover language, gain control over their bodies

and begin to exert their independence. Yet even at this young age, toddlers can begin

to experience and understand mindfulness. When toddlers are in a good mood,

mindfulness exercises can help them become more familiar with the sensations of

happiness and gratitude. And when they get upset, mindfulness can help toddlers

move on from the fleeting experiences that might have made them cry, and instead

focus their attention on new, less upsetting sensations. This shift moves “their

attention away from whatever it is they’re worrying about, to a present moment

experience such as the feeling of their own breath,” said Ms. Greenland. “We don’t

pretend that the bad isn’t happening, but let’s also think about three good things that

are happening right now, too.”

The most effective way to bring mindfulness to toddlers is, of course, to embody it.

“When I think about mindfulness for children, I think of family culture,” said Ms. Kim.

“The emphasis needs to be on the parents.”

From the time your children are young, try to instill good habits of attention in

them by practicing them yourself. Here are some things to try:

• Don’t look at your phone too often when your children are around.

• Spend time doing activities that promote focus, creativity and inquiry — such as

reading, making art and having conversations — rather than watching a lot of

TV.

• Treat other people — especially your children — kindly, even when you are

frustrated and upset.

• And express gratitude for the things in your life you feel thankful for.

“We’re not even aware how many times we’re checking our phone, how many times

we’re at our computer with our backs turned,” said Ms. Kim. “We are phenomenally

distracted and we are demonstrating those habits to our children. A prerequisite for

cultivating mindfulness is looking at our habits of distraction and working to change

those.”

Breathing Exercises

Mindfulness for Children - Well Guides - The New York Times

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Even with the best of intentions, raising toddlers isn’t easy. The exercise described

above, known as S.T.O.P., can be helpful in challenging moments.

In addition, getting to know our bodies is an essential part of mindfulness practice.

This starts with our breath. Breathing exercises can help you become more familiar

with the rhythms of your body.

Try this one and, after, think about how it might be useful in your life — maybe when

you’re tired, or when you’re feeling worried about something?

Breathing With a Pinwheel

This exercise allows us to see how different ways of breathing affect how our mind

and bodies feel.

TRY IT!

Mindful Seeing

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Young Children

Don’t make mindfulness seem like something only to be used in times of trouble

— present it as a tool to be used in a variety of situations.

Being Mindful Every Day

Mindfulness for Children - Well Guides - The New York Times

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As children develop into early childhood, they become capable not only of practicing

mindfulness with the guidance of a parent or caregiver, but also of retaining some of

these skills and turning to them in times of need. “By around age 4 they are able to

learn skills that they can utilize on their own,” said Ms. Greenland.

To instill these habits in children, practice is key. Don’t make mindfulness something

that is turned to only in times of stress. Instead, make mindfulness exercises a regular

part of the daily routine, an activity in and of itself, just like reading, playing outside or

making art. And rather than making mindfulness seem as if it is only as an antidote to

irritating situations, present it as a tool that can help children explore new

sensations, including those that are pleasant, neutral and unfamiliar.

“Use it as a tool to explore kindness and curiosity,” said Ms. Morey. “Ask children what

they feel in their bodies.”

Parents can also continue to embody mindfulness, and should feel comfortable

meditating in front of their children. “It’s a wonderful practice for parents, too, to

meditate in the midst of whatever is going on,” said Ms. Harris. “The children may not

have any concept of what we’re doing when we meditate, but they’re mimicking the

behavior and they’re interested.”

Seeing Clearly

A glitter ball can help us understand the connection between mind and body.

TRY IT!

Teaching Forgiveness

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As children grow older and become more independent, parents and caregivers

grapple with a loss of control. When children are in school and out with friends, there’s

simply less a parent can do to influence the lives of their children. And when setbacks

occur, as they inevitably will, it is important for parents to meet those misfortunes with

mindfulness.

Rather than getting hung up on whatever the problem is, note it and address it,

but at the same time recognize that it is fleeting and will pass. If it is the child who

misbehaved, make an effort to forgive them.

And if the parent or caregiver is blaming themselves, they should work on self-

forgiveness, too. “Wisdom doesn’t come from being perfect,” said Ms. Greenland.

“Wisdom comes from being present.”

Mindful Breathing by Annaka Harris

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