1
WAITRESS
Music and Lyrics by Sara Bareilles
Book by Jessie Nelson
Based on the original screenplay by
Adrienne Shelly
2
PRESHOW ANNOUNCEMENT
<<Rings>>
Come in close.
Now it’s time to tell you one thing
Every show can be ruined by a “bring-bring”
Now’s the time. Do it while I sing.
‘cause no one’s gonna like you if your phone rings.
Hurry up. So that we can start the show.
Thank you so much. Now turn off your cell phone.
Act I Scene 1: The Pantry
PROLOGUE: WHAT’S INSIDE
SUGAR… SUGAR…
SUGAR, BUTTER… SUGAR, BUTTER…
SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR
SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR
SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR
SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR
SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR
JENNA
MY HANDS PLUCK THE THINGS I KNOW THAT I’LL NEED
I’LL TAKE THE SUGAR AND BUTTER FROM THE PANTRY
I ADD THE FLOUR TO BEGIN WHAT I AM HOPING TO START
AND THEN IT’S DOWN WITH THE RECIPE
AND BAKE FROM THE HEART
JENNA ENSEMBLE
SUGAR, OOH…
AND BUTTER,
AND FLOUR,
AND MOTHER
WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE?
EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW
“WHAT’S INSIDE?” WHAT’S INSIDE?
AND I ALWAYS TELL THEM, BUT I WHAT’S INSIDE?
FEEL MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY OOH…
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE?
SIMPLE QUESTION SO THEN WHAT’S THE ANSWER WHAT’S INSIDE?
MY WHOLE LIFE IS IN HERE WHAT’S INSIDE?
IN THIS KITCHEN BAKING WHAT’S INSIDE?
JENNA
WHAT A MESS I’M MAKING
CAL
Jenna!
3
SONG #1: OPENING UP
CAL (CONT’D)
What’s the special pie today?
JENNA
Deep Shit Blueberry Bacon.
CAL
Deep shit?
JENNA
Dish! Deep Dish! Sorry Cal.
THE DAY STARTS LIKE THE REST WE’VE SEEN
ANOTHER CARBON COPY OF AN OLD ROUTINE
BECKY
DAYS KEEP COMING,
DAWN
ONE OUT, ONE IN
JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN
THEY KEEP COMING
CAL
Make that coffee strong enough to chew!
JENNA
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WISH I HAD
BUT THERE’S NO TIME NOW FOR THINKING THINGS LIKE THAT
WE’VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO
DAWN & BECKY
TOO MUCH TO DO
THREE WAITRESSES
ALL THESE SAME THINGS WE’RE ALWAYS
OPENING UP
LETTING THE DAY IN
OVER A CUP WE’LL SAY
HELLO, HOW YOU BEEN?
LOOKING AROUND
SEEING THE SAME THINGS
EVERY DAY BRINGS
THREE WAITRESSES + CAL ENSEMBLE
HELLO
HELLO
HOW YOU BEEN?
HOW YOU BEEN?
THANK YOU
THANK YOU AGAIN
COME AGAIN!
4
ALL ENSEMBLE
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE (ECHO)
BECKY
I WOULDN’T CALL THIS PLACE A HAPPY END
BUT I’VE BEEN ‘ROUND THE BLOCK AND JUST CAME BACK AGAIN
A SMALL TOWN LIKE OURS AIN’T MUCH
BUT SOMETIMES HOME IS WHERE YOUR
ASS ENDS UP
CAL
ORDER UP!
DAWN
ORDERED UP IS HOW THE DAY WILL FIND ME
EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE AND TIMING
I LIKE THE WAY MOST OF THE DAYS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME
CAL
ORDER UP!
ALL
WAITRESS I NEED
CHECK THE CLOCK
TICK TICK TOCK
DON’T STOPSERVE WITH A SMILE
HURRY UP
FILL THE COFFEE CUP
AND THEN IN A WHILE
TAKE A BREATH WHEN
YOU NEED TO BE REMINDED THAT WITH
DAYS LIKE THESE
WE CAN ONLY DO THE BEST WE CAN
THREE WAITRESSES
TILL WE DO IT AGAIN
CAL
COME ON MOVE IT NOW
THREE WAITRESSES + CAL ENS
OPENING UP HELLO
LETTING THE DAY HOW YOU BEEN?
IN THANK YOU
AGAIN
OPENING UP SOME THINGS
NEVER CHANGE
5
THREE WAITRESSES + CAL ENS
HELLO
HELLO
HOW YOU BEEN?
HOW YOU BEEN?
THANK YOU
THANK YOU AGAIN
COME AGAIN!
ALL
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE
END SONG
CAL
Becky!....Order up!...Come on, put some hustle in that bustle.
BECKY
Cal – I love what you’ve done with your hair. Tell me, how do you get it to come out of your nostrils
like that?
JENNA
Howdy Joe, what’ll it be?
JOE
It’s warm in here, I’m warm.
JENNA
I’ll let Cal know-
JOE
Let Cal know-
JENNA
I’m gonna let Cal know.
JOE
OK listen up- today I want a big piece of your Deep Dish Blueberry Bacon
pie with my scrambled eggs and toast and a tomata on the side,
on its own plate.
JENNA
No potatoes with that?
JOE
Did I say anything about potatas? Where'd you get potatas from?
JENNA
No potatoes. Tomato. That everything?
JOE
No. I also want coffee. But don't bring that first. Bring me water first with
the meal, and coffee after. Are you OK? Am I makin’ you sick?
6
JENNA
Sorry I’m just feeling a tad queasy –
INTRO: THE NEGATIVE
DAWN
You OK Jenna?
JENNA
Yeah I’m fine. Too much coffee’s all.
BECKY
Avoidin’ it ain’t gonna make it go away.
CAL
Hey, hey, HEY! Where the hell you all goin?
BECKY
To the beach! Pack us a lunch.
CAL
There’s no one on the floor! Am I gonna have’ta put on a waitress uniform myself!
BECKY
Whatever floats your boat, Cal.
CAL
Let me remind you I can fire your ass –
BECKY
Sorry Cal we can’t hear you – the water’s running.
CAL
Get out here! I’m only saying it once… This is the last time I’m sayin’ it!
Dammit.
JENNA
I gotta get back to my table.
BECKY
Jenna, time to pee on a stick.
JENNA
I don’t wanna know!
7
SONG #2: THE NEGATIVE
BECKY
COME ON HONEY, YOU’VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH
BECKY & DAWN
GET TO IT AND DO IT
JENNA
Ok, girls, enough!
BECKY & DAWN
YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN
DAWN
I HOPE YOU DRANK ENOUGH THIS MORNING
BECKY
COME ON SWEETIE IT’S BETTER TO KNOW
WE’LL BE RIGHT HERE WITH YOU, SO
DAWN
IT’S NO OR IT’S YES,
BUT EITHER WAY, YOU GOTTA TAKE THE TEST
BECKY
A SQUAT AND A SQUEEZE, A PRAYER AND A PLEASE, IT’S NOTHING
DAWN
A STICK AND A LINE
JENNA
JUST ONE OF ‘EM IF I’M LUCKY
DAWN & BECKY
A POT AND A PISS,HERE WE GO SIS,
AND WE’LL KEEP OUR FOCUS ON
ALL THREE
THE NEGATIVE
BECKY
Read the instructions.
DAWN
Se puede saber la duración —
BECKY
In English!
DAWN
Do not insert the test stick into your vagina—
8
BECKY
Thank you, Dawn!
JENNA
HOW’D I EVER GET MYSELF IN THIS MESS?
ONE DRUNK NIGHT AND THAT STUPID RED DRESS…
DAWN
I love that red dress – the way it sparkles it looks like an ice skatin’ outfit—
BECKY
Stay with us Dawn.
DAWN
MAYBE HIS “MACHINERY” IS BROKEN SOMEHOW
WHAT IF HIS “BOYS” DON’T SWIM? I MEAN, WOW…MIRACULOUS LUCK
BECKY
Yeah, miraculous, TO GET AWAY WITH AN UNPROTECTED FU-
JENNA
FUNNY HOW ONE NIGHT CAN RUIN YOUR WHOLE LIFE!!
BECKY & DAWN
DON’T GO THERE YET, WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE TEST SAYS
JENNA
I’M ALREADY PANICKED!!
BECKY
Just calm down, goddammit!
DAWN
MAYBE IT’LL ALL BE FINE
ALL THREE
MAYBE THERE’LL BE JUST ONE LINE
COME ON, NEGATIVE
DAWN
I thought you don’t sleep with your husband much anymore.
JENNA
Got me drunk. I do stupid things when I drink. Like sleep with my husband.
BECKY
Honey, we’ve all made that mistake.
ALL THREE
FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE
BECKY
THIS WILL ALL BE ALRIGHT
9
DAWN
IT WAS ONLY ONE NIGHT
JENNA
SOMEONE SEND ME A SIGN
BECKY & DAWN
ONE LINE
ALL THREE
ONE LINE
BECKY & DAWN
THAT MEANS THE TEST IS READY…
THIS IS IT….
JENNA
Shit.
END SONG
BECKY
Honey, you all right?
JENNA
Shh. I'm inventing a new pie in my head.
BECKY
Of course you are.
JENNA
I'm callin’ it “I Don’t Want Earl’s Baby Pie.”
DAWN
I don’t think we can write that on the menu board.
JENNA
Then I’ll just call it “Betrayed By My Eggs Pie.”
DAWN
What’s gonna be in it?
JENNA
Crack an egg, combine with sausage, soak it in beer, mix in cheesy red dressing, use extra
shortening in your crust to trap the moisture in. Forever—
BECKY
Jenna this ain’t somethin’ you can tuck into a pie.
CAL
HEY!
Pledge the sorority later!You don’t do your work I’ll dock your pay.
And lady, you are really pushing my buttons today.
10
BECKY
Which one is mute?
EARL
Waitress! Who do you have to know around here to get a piece of pie?
JENNA
Earl –
EARL
Hey sweet thang –
JENNA
What are you doin’ here?
EARL
Takin’ the rest of the day off.
JENNA
What about work?
EARL
Friggin foreman was on my ass for bein’ late. I said don’t blame the line at
Taco Bell on me! I don’t belong in that shit job… Hey where’s my kiss?
JENNA
Earl I gotta get back to—
EARL
They can wait. (Jenna kisses Earl on the cheek)How we doin’ today?
Not bad… not great…You know I’ve been thinking. I’m not really sure it’s
worth your working at this diner. I don’t like those girls.
That one looks at me like I just killed her dog. I think I might rather have you
be home makin’ me pies all day long. Damn this is tasty.
JENNA
Last piece left. Sold so fast today couldn’t quite believe it—
EARL
Yeah, well, don’t go getting a big head or nothin’. I mean this is good
but let’s face it…you’re no Sara Lee.
JENNA
You used to say my pies were so good I could open my own shop.
EARL
Yeah, well I was just tryin’ to get laid.
JENNA
“My Husband’s A Jerk Chicken Pot Pie.”
Pound chicken ‘til it’s unrecognizable. Pack flour quickly. Use only
essential ingredients. Simmer without a lid, allowing the vapor to
escape swiftly from the mixture.
11
EARL
Jenna!… Jenna!… JENNA!
You're not listening to me! I work hard. You want for nothin’ and you can’t
even listen to me.
JENNA
I’ll work on that, Earl.
EARL
Am I imagining it or are your boobies gettin’ bigger? Like they practically
grew a size overnight.
JENNA
That’s crazy Earl.
EARL
Maybe you’re eatin’ a little too much pie… I’m outta here.
You tell your friends about this bad boy? Earl. In Medieval font.
Don’t get too close – ink’s still dryin’.
BECKY
Now that must be helpful, just in case he forgets who he is…
Jenna, life is a shit show. My right boob is now so much lower than my
left I’m lucky I don’t trip over it. And I’m married to Drooling Phil The
Invalid and buying Depends by the bulk. And Dawn here has never
had a boyfriend and eats TV dinners alone every night—
DAWN
Chicken Kiev on Monday, Veal Piccata on Tuesday-
BECKY
—but we still wouldn’t rather be you.
DAWN
No, we sure wouldn’t.
JENNA
Everybody’s got somethin’ they’re dealin’ with.
Don’t worry about me. It’ll be fine –
BECKY
Yeah, some father Earl’s gonna be. Hon, don’t hold yourself to
vows and promises you made when you were too young to know
who the hell he really was!
JENNA
Earl wasn’t always like this. He’s just goin’ through a rough time is all.
BECKY
What’s the shelf life on that excuse….
JENNA
I couldn’t even afford to leave him now.
12
DAWN
You can move in with me. It’s a studio but I have a full size twin.
JENNA
That’s real sweet Dawn but I have a baby comin’.
BECKY
Jenna, dust the flour out of your brain. Do that baby a favor and leave his sorry ass.
JENNA
He’d never let me…
BECKY
Honey, it’s not up to him.
JENNA
Look I got 14 pies to make that ain’t gonna bake themselves.
BECKY
Jenna—
JENNA
Life’s Just Peachy Peachy Keen Pie.
BECKY
Jenna!
JENNA
Where There’s A Whisk There’s A Way Pie.
BECKY
Oh Lord…
13
SONG #3: WHAT BAKING CAN DO
JENNA
MAKE IT WORK
MAKE IT EASY
MAKE IT CLEVER
CRAFT IT INTO PIECES
MAKE IT SWEET
CRIMP THE EDGES
OR MAKE IT SOUR AND SERVE WITH LEMON WEDGES
EVEN DOUBT CAN BE DELICIOUS
AND IT WASHES OFF OF ALL THE DIRTY DISHES
WHEN IT’S DONE I CAN SMILE
IT’S ON SOMEONE ELSE’S PLATE FOR A WHILE
I’LL PLACE IT ON DISPLAY
AND THEN I’LL SLICE AND SERVE MY WORRIES AWAY
CAUSE I CAN FIX THIS
I CAN TWIST IT INTO
SUGAR BUTTER COVERED PIECES
NEVER MIND WHAT’S UNDERNEATH IT
I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE
I’LL BAKE ME A DOOR TO HELP ME GET THROUGH
I LEARNED THAT FROM YOU
MAMA, IT’S AMAZING WHAT BAKING CAN DO
MAKE IT UP
AND SURPRISE THEM
TELL THEM ALL MY SECRETS BUT DISGUISE THEM
SO THEY DANCE ON THE TONGUES OF THE VERY
PEOPLE THAT THEY’RE SECRETS FROM
MAKE IT SOON
MAKE IT BETTER
THOUGH BETTER NEVER LASTS FOREVER
MAKE IT SMALL SO IT FITS
EVEN THIS
EVEN NOW
EVEN AS THE WALLS COME TUMBLING DOWN
EVEN AS I CAN’T STOP REMEMBERING HOW
EVERY DOOR WE EVER MADE WE NEVER
ONCE WALKED OUT
SOMETHING I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE
TO ASK HER ABOUT
SO WITH FLOUR ON MY HANDS
I’LL SHOW THEM ALL HOW GODDAMN HAPPY I AM
SUGAR BUTTER FLOUR DON’T LET ME DOWN
LET’S SEE THE NEXT AMAZING THING
BAKING DOES NOW
END SONG
14
SONG #3A: CLUB KNOCKED UP
PREGNANT WOMAN #1
KNOCK KNOCK!
PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
KNOCK KNOCK!
PREGNANT WOMAN #1
WHO’S THERE?
PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
WHO’S THERE?
PREGNANT WOMAN #1
KNOCKED UP
PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
KNOCKED UP WHO?
PREGNANT WOMAN #1
YOU THERE
ALL THREE
JOIN US
NURSE NORMA
Mrs. Hunterson, the doctor will see you now.
ALL THREE
WELCOME TO CLUB KNOCKED UP
PREGNANT WOMAN #1
KNOCK KNOCK!
PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
WHO’S THERE
PREGNANT WOMAN #1
PRECIOUS
PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
PRECIOUS WHO?
PREGNANT WOMAN #1
PRECIOUS LITTLE
ALL THREE
PARASITE WHO SET ITS SITE ON YOU
DREAMS COME TRUE
WELCOME TO CLUB KNOCKED UP
WELCOME TO CLUB KNOCKED UP!
END SONG
15
Act I, Scene 2: Dr. Pomatter’s Exam Room
DOCTOR POMATTER
Hello. Mrs. Bunterson?
JENNA
Hunterson. Who are you?
DOCTOR POMATTER
I’m your doctor. Doctor Pomatter. You brought a pie? You know I’ve only
been in town a few weeks and I’m so impressed with the genuine
hospitality of the place.
JENNA
You're not my doctor. Lily Perkins is my doctor. This pie is for her. It's her
favorite – “Mermaid Marshmallow.”
DOCTOR POMATTER
Well, I’m sorry to say she’s not seeing any patients. She retired.
JENNA
What?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Long story, making it short: I'm the new doctor on staff. I'm from
Connecticut. Just moved here 2 weeks ago. Are you bored yet?
JENNA
Yes. No.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Sorry. Anyway. If you're not comfortable having me as your doctor, that's
fine… my feelings won't be hurt, you can go get yourself another
gynecologist in the area.
JENNA
But Dr. Perkins delivered me. She's been my doctor forever.
I really like and trust her.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Well maybe you can really like and trust me too.
JENNA
It doesn’t happen that fast. But I’ll try.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Good. Great! Then I'm your doctor. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Bunterson.
JENNA
Hunterson.
16
DOCTOR POMATTER
Hunterson. What seems to be the problem?
JENNA
Well, I seem to be pregnant.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Oh! Good! Good for you. Congratulations.
JENNA
Thanks. But I don't want this baby.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Oh. Well… I can refer you to a doctor that performs abor—
JENNA
No, I'm keeping it. Not that I judge that… I'm just telling you I'm not so
happy about it like everybody else would be, so maybe you can be
sensitive and not congratulate me and make a big deal every time you
see me. I'm having the baby and that's that. It's not a party, though.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Got it. Not a party.
NURSE NORMA
Excuse me, Doctor. Mrs. Flannigan wants to talk to you about doulas
before she leaves.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Doulas? I have no idea what that is. I’m only joking. Of course I know
what that is.
(mouthing) I have no idea what that is. Do you?
NURSE
And here are Mrs. Hunterson’s blood test results.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Well, un-congratulations. You're definitely having a baby.
JENNA
Well, un-thank you.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Do you have any concerns?... Do's and don'ts?... Exercise, sex?
17
JENNA
Well, I don't really do much of either.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Ok… Here's your prescription for pre-natal vitamins.
Nurse Norma will give you a list of the good and bad foods. Caffeine,
alcohol, etcetera... Nice meeting you, Jenna.
I'll want to see you in three weeks.
JENNA
I do have one question.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Shoot.
JENNA
How pregnant am I?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Um, very. There’s really only one degree of pregnancy, so to speak...
JENNA
No, I mean... how far along?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Oh! About 8 weeks. Give or take.
JENNA
So I won’t start showing for a while, right?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Right.
JENNA
Then I have a little time…
DOCTOR POMATTER
Although it is quite beautiful when a woman’s body—
JENNA
Yeah yeah yeah…
DOCTOR POMATTER
Understood.
JENNA
Dr. Pomatter?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Yeah?
18
JENNA
I’m gonna give you this pie.
DOCTOR POMATTER
It looks absolutely delicious but I’m off sugar… actually it causes leptin
resistance, chromium deficiency, decreased longevity…
JENNA
My mama used to say you can live to be a 100 if you give up all the things
that make you wanna live to be a 100.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Well the longer you’re away from sugar the less you crave it.
I haven’t had a piece of pie in years.
JENNA
Really? Life’s hard enough.
POMATTER PIE TRANSITION
19
Act I, Scene 3: The Diner
DAWN
Listen Cal, we had ketchups out there yesterday half-empty and we all know, the fuller the
condiments, the fuller the experience. I am so sorry. I’ll make sure it never happens again.
CAL
Thank you, Dawn. I'll sleep tonight! (Jenna enters) You’re late.
JENNA
I’m sorry. Bus driver was half asleep.
CAL
Why doesn’t your damn husband buy you a car already?
JENNA
Because he doesn’t want me goin’ nowhere. (Becky enters behind pie rack)
CAL
And you! Late again! You’re inches away from being fired, lady.
BECKY
Okay, fire me.
CAL
Okay I will!
BECKY
Okay then do!
UNDERSCORE: WESTERN FACEOFF
BECKY
So… how was the doc?
JENNA
Fine. It was fine. New doctor. A man.
BECKY
A man. Wow. Is he single? Maybe he'd be good for Dawn.
JENNA
I think he had a ring. Nice guy. Nervous. From Connecticut.
BECKY
Connecticut? What the hell is he doin' here?
JENNA
I have no idea.
BECKY
Girl, park it for a minute. We bought you something. (Dawn sits) Not you!
20
DAWN
A present.
JENNA
That's so sweet. You shouldn't have.
"What a Mama You’re Gonna Be!"
DAWN
I researched all the best baby books. This one was so sweet look here –
there’s a place to write your first letter to your baby. “Dear Baby…”
JENNA
That’s really great.
BECKY
We know you didn't initially have a... strong happiness about this
pregnancy, but she is coming anyway, so...
JENNA
We don't know it's a she. It could be an alien.
BECKY
You're not getting any more affectionate toward this little baby?
DAWN
Not at all?
JENNA
Not everyone wants to be a mother, Dawn; that doesn’t make me a bad person—
CAL
Can I interest the book club some coffee or a slice of Sit On Your Ass Pie?
BECKY
That’s a good one, Cal. Keep’m comin!
CAL
Openin’ up!
BECKY
So did you tell Earl yet?
JENNA
It didn’t come up. Did you finish your profile yet Dawn?
BECKY
We’re not done talkin’ about you.
JENNA
I think we are. Dawn?
DAWN
I’m still writin’ it.
21
JENNA
You’ve been writin’ it for weeks.
DAWN
There’s just not enough space to complete a compelling, yet thorough,
honest, description of myself.
JENNA
Why don’t you run what you got by us?
BECKY
Go ahead, honey. Let’s hear it.
DAWN
“Ecstatically alive, enthusiastically American, dynamic and witty,
I am a woman of many passions, including a rare turtle collection.
I love the History Channel.
JENNA
Now that’s nice.
DAWN
Note: I have played Betsy Ross in 33 Revolutionary War Reenactments.”
JENNA
…Okay… That’ll set you apart from the crowd –
DAWN
I’m calling myself “NewDawnRising.”
Too much?
BECKY AND JENNA
…No!
JENNA
Post it tonight!
DAWN
This is a mistake.
BECKY
Dawn this is your one and only life!
22
SONG #4: WHEN HE SEES ME
DAWN
I STICK WITH REAL THINGS
USUALLY FACTS AND FIGURES
WHEN INFORMATION’S IN ITS PLACE
I MINIMIZE THE GUESSING GAME
Guess What?
JENNA & BECKY
What?
DAWN
I DON’T LIKE GUESSING GAMES
OR WHEN I FEEL THINGS
BEFORE I KNOW THE FEELINGS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO OPERATE IF I’M JUST TOSSED AROUND BY FATE?
LIKE ON AN UNEXPECTED DATE
WITH A STRANGER WHO MIGHT
TALK TOO FAST OR ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF
BEFORE I’VE DECIDED THAT
HE CAN ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF
HE MIGHT SIT TOO CLOSE OR CALL THE WAITER BY HIS FIRST NAME
OR EAT OREOS BUT EAT THE COOKIE BEFORE THE CREAM
BUT WHAT SCARES ME THE MOST…
BUT WHAT SCARES ME THE MOST…
IS WHAT IF WHEN HE SEES ME
WHAT IF HE DOESN’T LIKE IT?
WHAT IF HE RUNS THE OTHER WAY
AND I CAN’T HIDE FROM IT
WHAT HAPPENS THEN IF
WHEN HE KNOWS ME
HE’S ONLY DISAPPOINTED
WHAT IF I GIVE MYSELF AWAY
TO ONLY GET IT GIVEN BACK
I COULDN’T LIVE WITH THAT
SO I’M JUST FINE
INSIDE MY SHELL-SHAPED MIND
THIS WAY I GET THE BEST VIEW
SO THAT WHEN HE SEES ME I WANT HIM TO
JENNA
Dawn you seem a little—I mean, just a tad—
DAWN
I’M NOT DEFENSIVE
I’M SIMPLY BEING CAUTIOUS
I CAN’T RISK WRECKLESS DATING
DUE TO MY MISCALCULATING WHY
A CERTAIN SUITOR STANDS IN LINE
I’VE SEEN IN MOVIES, MOST MADE FOR TELEVISION
23
YOU CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL WHEN IT
COMES TO SHARING YOUR LIFE
I COULD END UP A MISERABLE WIFE
OH, SORRY GIRLS.
BUT HE COULD BE CRIMINAL
SOME SORT OF PSYCHOPATH WHO ESCAPED FROM AN INSTITUTION
SOMEWHERE WHERE THEY DON’T HAVE GIRLS
HE COULD HAVE MASTERMINDED SOME WAY TO FIND ME
HE COULD BE COLOR BLIND, HOW UNTRUSTWORTHY IS THAT?
HE COULD BE LESS THAN KIND,
OR EVEN WORSE HE COULD BE VERY NICE
HAVE LOVELY EYES
AND MAKE ME LAUGH
COME OUT OF HIDING
WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT?
OH GOD.
WHAT IF WHEN HE SEES ME
I LIKE HIM AND HE KNOWS IT
WHAT IF HE OPENS UP A DOOR
AND I CAN’T CLOSE IT
WHAT HAPPENS THEN
IF WHEN HE HOLDS ME
MY HEART IS SET IN MOTION
I’M NOT PREPARED FOR THAT
I’M SCARED OF BREAKING OPEN
BUT STILL I CAN’T HELP FROM HOPING
TO FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO
WHO LIKES THE WAY I AM
SOMEONE WHO WHEN HE SEES ME,
WANTS TO AGAIN
END SONG
CAL
Do y’all plan to work today or do you expect folks to serve themselves?
BECKY
Works for me.
JOE
I don't think I invited anyone to breakfast. Shoo! Shoo!
CAL
Becky, Old Joe’s in your section. Kinda owns the place –
BECKY
I can’t deal with him today.
JENNA
Drop two menus at table 3, I got him.
24
BECKY
You’re a trooper.
JENNA
Hiya Joe.
JOE
It's warm in here. I'm warm. Turn the air on.
JENNA
I’ll tell Cal, hon.
JOE
They keep all my businesses too warm. My gas station. My supermarket.
My laundromat. My diner. I will not tolerate it being too damn warm.
JENNA
I hear you Joe.
JOE
Okay listen up. I want the special “Betrayed By My- Betrayed By My Eggs
Pie.” Tomata on the side, on its own plate.
JENNA
That everything?
JOE
No, I also want orange juice. But don’t bring that first. Bring the water first.
Bring the O.J. with the meal. Listen to my horoscope before you
skedoodle away. "Aquarius. Smooth sailing today as Mars enters your
inner circle." Whatever the hell that means. "The ones you love will listen
carefully to you today, just make sure you're careful with what you say."
I don’t have ones I love. You want to hear yours?
JENNA
I’m Aquarius too, hon. And I don’t have ones I love either. Just ones I live with.
JOE
You got something in the oven other than a pie?
JENNA
What?
JOE
You got a bun in the oven?
JENNA
Shhhhhhhhh. Quiet.
25
JOE
I’ve seen that look on a woman before. Her name was Annette. I made
sweet love to her all through the summer of 1948. She got that same
sick look on her face, like you had, all through the fall. Almost married
her right up. She lost the baby, though. Close call. When you due?
JENNA
Hey! Joe, I don’t want Cal to hear you!
JOE
Look here, the National Pie Bake Off is in Springfield this year. Last
year’s winner, Eunice Kevesdy, spent her prize money on an RV with
a convection oven. You should enter.
JENNA
Oh come on Joe. My pies are good but I’m no Sara Lee.
JOE
Prize money’s $20,000.
JENNA
“Jumping Without A Net Bottomless Pie.”
26
Act I, Scene 4: The Bus Stop
JENNA
Pillows of the softest meringue, topped with ribbons of strawberry cream.
No crust. “Getting Out Of The Mud Mud Pie” - generous scoops of mocha almond ice cream…
DOCTOR POMATTER
Um... hello.
JENNA
Sprinkled with bittersweet chocolate morsels…
DOCTOR POMATTER
Mrs. Hunterson?
JENNA
And slivered almonds…
DOCTOR POMATTER
Mrs. Hunterson?
JENNA
Doctor Pomatter! Hi. What are you doin' here?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Car wouldn't start this morning. Took the bus. I forgot how much I love
buses. You always take the bus?
JENNA
Tuesday nights – my husband goes out drinking with the boys.
DOCTOR POMATTER
That’s nice. For him. That you let him –
JENNA
Yeah. I love Tuesdays. Where do you live?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Stanton Grove.
JENNA
Oh, wow… it's nice over there.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Sure, if you like trees. Which, you know, who doesn’t like trees?
You mind if I sit down?
JENNA
Not at all.
DOCTOR POMATTER
So, you're a waitress?
27
JENNA
I’m a waitress.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Where do you work?
JENNA
Little place off Highway 27. Joe's Pie Diner. We serve 27 different varieties of pie.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Wow. Must be a virtual pie factory.
JENNA
I make all the pies fresh every morning. Breakfast pies, lunch pies, and a special new pie that I
invent every day.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Did you make that marshmallow pie you gave me?
JENNA
Yes, I did. Mermaid Marshmallow Pie. I invented it with my mom when I was 9 years old. In my
mermaid phase.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Well that was probably the best pie I've ever tasted in my life.
JENNA
You tried it? I won’t tell your doctor.
DOCTOR POMATTER
No, seriously… it was biblically good, that’s how good it was. That pie could win contests and
ribbons and things.
JENNA
Wow, what a thing to say.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I am so sorry that was a compliment.
JENNA
I know. That's why it made me uncomfortable.
DOCTOR POMATTER
You're blushing. I shouldn't have said that.
You know, it’s kinda funny… Seeing you, sitting here in your uniform…
28
SONG #5: IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE
DOCTOR POMATTER
YOU REMIND ME OF A GIRL I ONCE KNEW
GOD BY NOW, SHE’S WELL IN MIDDLE AGE, PROBABLY 41 OR 42
JENNA
Thank you?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Hm? Oh, my god. No! No –
SHE WAS A WAITRESS AT A SHOP
I USED TO FREQUENT QUITE A LOT
NICE TEETH, AND SMALL HANDS,
AND SNUCK ME GOODIES I COULDN’T AFFORD THEN
SHE WAS SWEET TO ME
REMINDS ME OF YOU
JENNA
Nobody really ever notices me that way…
DOCTOR POMATTER
Well, somebody did! I mean, right? You’ve got the whole baby thing goin’ on.
SHE’D BAKE THE PIES FRESH EVERY DAY,
LIKE YOU I GUESS BUT I MUST SAY
IF PIES WERE BOOKS YOURS WOULD BE SHAKESPEARE’S LETTERS
YOU REMIND ME OF HER, BUT BETTER
IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE
WHEN IT’S SOMETHING SPECIAL
IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE
WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S GOOD
SOMETIMES ONE BITE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH
TO KNOW YOU WANT MORE OF THE THING YOU JUST GOT A TASTE OF
JENNA
THAT REMINDS ME OF A THING WE WOULD SAY
ME AND MY MAMA IN THE KITCHEN WHEN WE’D BAKE
SHE’D SAY, “JENNA, YOU CAN TELL THE WHOLE STORY, WITH A TASTE”
DOCTOR POMATTER
YEAH THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!
I SWEAR THAT AS THE FLAVORS MIXED AND MELTED
I COULD HEAR THOSE SIRENS SING IT WAS TRULY SOMETHING SPECIAL
ONE TASTE AND I WANT THE WHOLE THING
I MUST SAY IT FELT LIKE I GOT CARRIED AWAY
INTOXICATED, MADE ME ESCAPE THE ROOM I WAS IN
I CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER HOW YOUR HANDS MUST HAVE FELT
CREATING SUCH A MASTERFUL THING
29
JENNA
JUST ONE BITE CAUSED ALL THAT WONDERING?
DOCTOR POMATTER
IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE
JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER
IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S GOOD
SOMETIMES ONE BITE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH…
TO KNOW YOU WANT MORE OF THE THING
YOU JUST GOT A TASTE OF.
JENNA
Oh, look. There’s my bus. Nice talking to you, Doctor Pomatter.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Call me anytime, Jenna, I'm here. For all your questions and concerns.
JENNA
Good to know, Doctor Pomatter.
TRANSITION
30
Act I, Scene 5: Earl & Jenna’s House
JENNA
Earl – It’s Tuesday night – Whattaya doing home so early?
EARL
Well thanks to my asshole foreman looks like I’m gonna be home a lot.
Dude says I’m late one too many times and fires me! I said you can take
this toolbox and shove it up your ass! I don’t even want this goddamn job.
Called me arrogant! Me?... Arrogant? Loser’s been waitin’ to stick it to me
since high school.
JENNA
Earl I’m sorry—
EARL
Don’t you feel sorry for me! I’m fine! I am fine! I’m celebratin!
So. Looks like you’re gonna be payin’ the bills around here. How’d we do today?
You’re shittin’ me. That can’t be all you earned.
JENNA
It was a slow day.
EARL
Well maybe you gotta move a little faster… Where’s my kiss?
Kiss me like you mean it.
JENNA
I’m sorry Earl I’m not feelin’ so good –
EARL
You feel alright to me. Come on baby take my bad day away.
JENNA
Let me get you somethin’ to eat. I’ve got some leftovers from work – chicken potpie –
EARL
You think I don’t see what you’re doin? You think I’m stupid?
JENNA
No –
EARL
No?
JENNA
No Earl I was just thinkin’ you had a hard day maybe some warm pie would—
EARL
I’m not fuckin’ hungry!
JENNA
Earl calm down.
31
EARL
Calm down? I’ll show you calm.
JENNA
Earl, I’m pregnant!
EARL
What?... When the hell were you gonna tell me?
JENNA
I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure. I was just waiting for the right time.
EARL
Well you have great timing!
JENNA
Sorry, Earl. Sorry.
EARL
No wonder you’ve been looking so tired all the time – come here, sit down
babe - you lil’ butterball... Well how do you like that- I’m having a baby!
Little Earl Junior. The legend lives on! ...Wait a minute. What if you start
to love the baby more than you love me? Women do it all the time. They
have a baby and then to hell with the man.
JENNA
You’re jealous of the baby?
EARL
No. I don’t get jealous. That’s below me. I'm just talkin’ it out. Talkin’ my
feelings out. Maybe I just need you to make me a promise you won’t love
that baby more than me.
JENNA
Okay…
EARL
Say I promise.
JENNA
I said okay –
EARL
Baby I need this from you. It’s you and me first, right?
The way it’s always been –
32
SONG #6: YOU WILL STILL BE MINE
EARL
REMEMBER MY CLEAN SHAVE BACK IN OUR OLD DAYS,
WHEN WE WERE JUST KIDS
I HAD MY SIX-STRING, AND YOU HAD YOUR OWN THING,
THOUGH I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT IT IS
I WROTE YOU LOVE SONGS, AND YOU LIKE THAT SAD ONE
SO I PLAYED IT ALL THE TIME
WHAT WAS THAT ONE LINE? SOMETHING ABOUT SUNSHINE?
I SANG IT EVERY NIGHT
WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE
That can’t be it…
WHEN THE SUN WON’T SHINE
What was it baby?
JENNA
TILL THE SUN DON’T SHINE
YOU WILL STILL BE MINE
EARL
That’s right.
MAN WHAT A WHIRLWIND, SO MUCH IS HAPPENING, AND MOSTLY TO ME
WE’VE COME SUCH A LONG WAY
NO TURNING BACK NOW, BABE
YOU’RE MY FAMILY
Now promise me.
TILL THE END OF TIME,
THESE ARE TIES THAT BIND
Sing it honey!
JENNA
TILL THE SUN DON’T SHINE
EARL AND JENNA
YOU WILL STILL BE MINE
END SONG
33
Act I, Scene 6: The Pantry
BECKY
Is it my imagination or is my right boob drooping down even lower today? I’m starting to feel like
something Picasso woulda made… (re: Jenna’s tips) How’d you do?
JENNA
Between Mr. Frugalman on table 5 and “Hey I’ll Get You Next Time” on table 7 not great. Thinkin’ of
pickin’ up a couple extra shifts.
BECKY
You crazy? You work hard enough already.
What’s this doin’ next to the cinnamon?
JENNA
Oh yeah…I was looking for it…
BECKY
You can’t write your baby a letter from the spice rack.
JENNA
I’m not much of a letter writer.
BECKY
You OK?
DAWN
I’m having a small anxiety attack… I got a message on my profile.
JENNA
Girl you’ve been sittin’ on this news all day?
DAWN
He calls himself OKCWithABullet. 32, has all his hair, kind smile, loves poetry, Pavarotti, and
puzzles.
JENNA
He sounds perfect!
BECKY
Look at you! They’re already lining up! Take a number!
DAWN
Yeah…oh dear, it’s happening, really happening. I made a 5-minute date with him tonight!
JENNA AND BECKY
5 minutes?
DAWN
This way if it’s a disaster I can get back in time for “History’s Mysteries.”
34
BECKY
Dawn, you are such a natural beauty. But because it’s such a special occasion, would you let me put
just a tad of makeup on you and perhaps, pull that pony down – just for one night?
DAWN
Well, it is important to make a good first impression. Jenna, may I ask you to make me your Meet
Your Dream Chocolate Cream Pie to take to him?
JENNA
I’ll make it really special, like my mama used to. () Somethin’ where you wouldn’t think the
ingredients would all go together, but they do.
DAWN
What’s going to be in it?
JENNA
I’m going to switch the chocolate from bittersweet to creamy milk, and add a touch of passion fruit.
DAWN
OH MY GOD! (lip puckering)
JENNA
And then I’m gonna mix in somethin’ that will make the impossible possible. Some exotic spice that
will make you see clearly before it’s too late – somethin’ –
BECKY
What is goin’ on with you girl? …
JENNA
You know that pie contest that’s comin’ to Springfield?
BECKY
Yeah.
JENNA
I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna figure out a way to save some money to go there and enter it.
BECKY
Now that’s the first thing you’ve said that’s made any sense in a very long time.
JENNA
And if a miracle happens and I win it - I’m gonna take that prize money… and…
BECKY
You’re gonna leave Earl.
JENNA
Yeah and just run away from here.
DAWN
Wow…
35
BECKY
Honey you can leave Earl without running away from here.
JENNA
It’s not that easy.
BECKY
Alright, go get yourself a little pie shop somewhere. Somewhere people
could really use a little pie shop. Like Europe. Or [INSERT CITY NAME HERE].
DAWN
“Jenna’s Pie Palace”
BECKY
“Jenna’s Pastry Heaven”
DAWN
“Jenna’s Pie in the Sky”
SONG #7: A SOFT PLACE TO LAND
JENNA
SUGAR
Come on, honey, we’re not playin’.
SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR
SOMETIMES I STILL SEE HER
MY MOTHER THE DREAMER
SHE’D SAY NOTHING’S IMPOSSIBLE CHILD…
JENNA/BECKY/DAWN
A DREAM NEEDS BELIEVING
TO TASTE LIKE THE REAL THING
LIKE SOME STRANGER YOU RECOGNIZE
SO PURE SO ELECTRIC
SO SURE SO CONNECTED
TO THOSE LITTLE BELIEVERS INSIDE
MAY WE ALL BE SO LUCKY
BUT DREAMS ARE ELUSIVE
THE KIND WE’VE GOTTEN USED TO IS
JENNA
NOTHING I CAN FEEL
DAWN
NOTHING I CAN HOLD
BECKY
NOTHING I CAN HAVE
JENNA
NOTHING THAT I KNOW
36
JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN
DREAMS COME AND THEY GO
JENNA
BUT HOLD THEM AND KEEP THEM
BECKY/DAWN
BUT HOLD THEM AND KEEP THEM
JENNA
AND KNOW THAT YOU NEED THEM
BECKY/DAWN
AND KNOW THAT YOU NEED THEM
JENNA
WHEN YOUR BREAKING POINT’S ALL THAT
JENNA/BECKY/DAWN
YOU HAVE
A DREAM IS A SOFT PLACE TO LAND
MAY WE ALL BE SO LUCKY…
DAWN
Oh, look what you did. You made me almost pretty.
JENNA
Almost pretty? You’re beautiful.
CAL
What the hell you put in that pie? I’m leaving before I die from Estrogen
Asphyxiation! Don’t forget to turn out the lights!
JENNA
Who are you puttin’ on lipstick for? You dollin’ up for the diaper change?
BECKY
Maybe I got a little secret. Maybe I’m doin’ a little dreamin’ too.
DAWN
What?!
BECKY
Can’t tell you yet.
JENNA
Why not?
BECKY
Bye bye, Dawn – don’t do anything I haven’t done. Get yourself a five-minute condom.
DAWN
Becky!
37
BECKY
Adios, ladies.
DAWN
You are the queen of kindness and goodness.
JENNA
MAY WE ALL BE SO LUCKY
END SONG
MONEY HIDING TRANSITION
38
Act I, Scene 7: The Diner
BECKY
Hey handsome, what’ll it be?
OGIE
Oh no. No no no. I don't want you as my waitress. I want her. That lady right there.
BECKY
I'm sorry, hon. You're sitting in my station.
OGIE
But I don't want you. I want her.
(Dawn phone business)
BECKY
I do like a man who knows what he wants.
OGIE
She a good friend of yours? What can you tell me about her?
What are her likes and dislikes? Does she have any food allergies
or pollen sensitivities?
BECKY
'Scuse me, darlin’. I'm gonna go talk to Dawn for a minute and see if
she won't tell you herself.
OGIE
That would be wonderful.
BECKY
I thought you’d like that.
Dawn! There’s a man at table 5 on a mission with your name on it –
DAWN
His name is Ogie. Short for Oklahoma. He’s OKCwithaBullet! (Ogie magic trick) He’s an
amateur magician, does competitive clog dancing, and only eats white
food on Wednesdays! He said we were soul mates! I made the mistake
of telling him I work here.
JENNA
I don’t know Dawn, it sounds like he’s got potential.
DAWN
He took me through the entire medical and psychiatric history of his whole family.
BECKY
He’s layin it all on the table –
39
DAWN
I just wanted a quiet first date. Stimulating conversation. First man who
ever shows any interest in me and he turns out to be a mad, stalking elf!
I'm telling you, Jenna, your magic love pie was too good! I never should
have brought it with me.
JENNA
I don’t think it was the pie, Dawn. I think it was you.
DAWN
Come with me.
JENNA
I would but I gotta go pee.
CAL
Is anyone taking the elf’s order?!
BECKY
Shut up, Cal! That happens to be OKCwithaBullet! Cue DawnRising!
Open it.
DAWN
Hello good morning hello I told you I didn’t want to see you again may
I take your order?
OGIE
I’ll have an egg white omelet, with cottage cheese and a side of
mayonnaise. I'm a very persistent man, Dawn. I know what I want.
DAWN
What kind of toast with that? White or wheat? Why am I even asking?
It’s Wednesday!
OGIE
See? We already know each other so intimately!
DAWN
You don’t know me.
OGIE
Oh I do. You are NewDawnRising. Easily misunderstood. But I see your
true beauty. Normally I wouldn’t do this – actually I’ve never done this.
But that five minutes felt like a whole fifteen and I am certain we are
meant to be together.
DAWN
I don’t even know you!
OGIE
I’m a tax auditor. I drive a very nice subcompact Toyota Yaris and I love
my mother. What else do you need to know about me?
40
DAWN
Your dessert order.
OGIE
I’ll have a slice of the White Knuckle Cream Pie –
DAWN
With or without whipped cream?
OGIE
You choose. I trust you implicitly. But if you choose whipped cream I
would love it on the side, not touching the pie.
DAWN
I hate it when it touches the pie—
OGIE
Soggies the crust—
DAWN
And you can’t control the whipped cream—
DAWN & OGIE
to pie ratio to create—
OGIE
the perfect bite.
OGIE
That laugh. That intoxicating laugh. Dawn, you inspire poetry in me.
Here’s one I’m making up right here on the spot:
“All my life I’ve loved turtles.
And you Dawn are the queen.
Da Da Da, Da Da Da…somethin’ in between.”
Gotta work on that ending. But you like that one, yeah?
DAWN
Please just take your mixed bouquet and leave! Just leave!
41
SONG #8: NEVER GETTING RID OF ME
OGIE
Dawn-
I WILL
NEVER LET YOU LET ME LEAVE
I PROMISE I’M NOT LYING
GO AHEAD ASK ANYBODY WHO HAS SEEN ME TRYING
I’M NOT GOING
IF IT SEEMS LIKE I DID I’M PROBABLY WAITING OUTSIDE
SUCH A STUBBORN MAN YOU’LL LIKELY NEVER MEET ANOTHER
WHEN WE HAVE OUR FAMILY DINNER YOU CAN ASK MY MOTHER
SHE’S THE BEST
YOU’LL LEARN MORE ABOUT HER
ON OUR FAMILY HISTORY TEST
I’M GONNA DO THIS RIGHT
SHOW YOU I’M NOT MOVING
WHEREVER YOU GO I WON’T BE FAR TO FOLLOW
OH –
GONNA LOVE YOU SO
YOU’LL LEARN WHAT I ALREADY KNOW
I LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER
GETTING RID OF ME
(Spit Take)
YOU CAN TRY, OH BUT I --
LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER
GETTING RID OF ME
DAWN
Ready for your check?
OGIE
Not quite! Pie for everybody!
I GREW UP AN ONLY CHILD IN A SUBURB OF THE CITY
SPENT MY DAYS ALONE
MY ONLY FRIEND WAS A STRAY KITTY CALLED SARDINE
I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS TO
CALL A CAT A KIND OF FISH
SHE PLAYED HARD TO GET HISSING
WHILE SHE SCRATCHED ME
WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO SAY WAS
OGIE, COME AND CATCH ME
I LEARNED QUICKLY PERSEVERANCE STOOD
BETWEEN A CAT AND HER NEW BEST FRIEND, ME!
OH, I’M GONNA DO THIS RIGHT
SHOW YOU I’M NOT MOVING
WHEREVER YOU GO
I WON’T BE FAR TO FOLLOW
OH, GONNA LOVE YOU SO
YOU’LL LEARN WHAT I ALREADY KNOW
42
OGIE AND CHORUS
I LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME
DAWN
When you say never…
OGIE
Shh!
OGIE AND CHORUS
YOU CAN TRY, OH BUT I –
CAL
I LOVE YOU MEANS BLAH BLAH BLAH YIPPITY YAP YAP
Now get back to work!
OGIE AND CHORUS
(à la Pavarotti)
OH, YOU CAN TRY
OH BUT I-
OGIE
I LOVE YOU MEANS
YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME!
OGIE AND CHORUS
YOU CAN TRY
OH BUT I
OGIE
LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME
END SONG
43
OGIE
So I’ll pick you up Sunday at 7?
DAWN
Maybe?
OGIE
Maybe! Maybe! There’s a reading at Rainard Park of the Federalist Papers.
DAWN
How do you know about that?
OGIE
I played Paul Revere in 42
Revolutionary War re-enactments.
Well actually, 40 times technically I was the standby Revere, but 2 times
Paul was out – so I did actually play it, although one of those times I got
injured halfway through, I had a bayonet issue – fell off my horse and
had to have my spleen removed.
DAWN
“One if by land, two if by sea…”
OGIE
“…and I on the opposite shore will be!” (crash)
BECKY
The elf and the turtle… an epic romance.
JENNA
“Almost Makes You Believe Again Pie.”
Reach for an ingredient long forgotten in the back of your cupboard
– like poppy seeds.
Somethin’ you bought but forgot you had.
Throw in gingersnaps
and tapioca
‘til they combine unexpectedly.
Mix it with all your questions and concerns.
Yes, hello. Is Doctor Pomatter there? Jenna Hunterson. I’m his patient...
Hi, Doctor Pomatter. Listen, I'm sure it's nothing, but you said to call if I
ever had any questions or concerns.Well, this morning, I'm bleeding a
little bit... No. No, it's very very light. Come in to see you? Tomorrow
morning? You’re open at 7:00? Really? Well, OK then—
CAL
Excuse me, but I have to take a short stack of perfectly round,
meticulously made, once warm, blueberry buttermilk pancakes to table 6 -
‘cause even though I’m pregnant I’m workin, Dr. Pomfritter!
IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE TRANSITION
CAL (CONT’D)
Now that I’ve got you on the phone Doc, between us, I’ve been a little gassy recently…No, I tried
that.
44
Act I, Scene 8: Doctor Pomatter’s Exam Room
JENNA
Hello?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Hi.
JENNA
Where is everybody?
DOCTOR POMATTER
No one’s here yet. I came in a little early to see you.
JENNA
Oh. Ok. Well, I brought you some Believe Again Poppy Seed Pocket Pies.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Gosh. Thank you…
So, when we spoke on the phone, you said the bleeding was very mild?
JENNA
Yes.
DOCTOR POMATTER
And has it stopped?
JENNA
Yeah. I only saw it the one time.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Good. Then you’re fine. Oh my god!
JENNA
Well, aren’t you going to examine me?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Oh, no need. These are unbelievably delicious! Delicious is not even a
good enough word for what they are. What you do with food is unearthly.
JENNA
Thank you. Then am I okay? Nothing’s wrong with me?
DOCTOR POMATTER
No. Nothing's wrong with you. Light spotting is a perfectly normal
symptom in early pregnancy. Holy shit.
JENNA
Well, is that everything you have to say?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Uh no….
45
JENNA
Well, what?
DOCTOR POMATTER
I… Nothing. You can go now. I'll see you at your next regularly scheduled
appointment. Don't hesitate to call if you have any—
JENNA
Questions or concerns.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Any and all.
JENNA
Why'd you have me come all the way here if spotting is a perfectly normal
symptom in early pregnancy? I had to get up early, take a bus, walk 5
blocks – just to hear that spotting is a perfectly normal symptom?
DOCTOR POMATTER
I have no response to that.
JENNA
And what time does this office normally open, doctor? 8:30?
DOCTOR POMATTER
9 o’clock.
JENNA
9 o’clock. Hmm. You came here 2 hours early to tell me that spotting is a
perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Well, it seems that way. Yes.
JENNA
Goodbye, Doctor Pomatter.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Goodbye, Jenna.
JENNA
You know what, I think you're strange. I'm not sure I want you to be my
doctor anymore. You make me uncomfortable.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I'm sorry, Jenna. I'm really sorry. I won't do it anymore. Whatever it is I do.
You shouldn't be uncomfortable during this time.
JENNA
You're doing it again.
DOCTOR POMATTER
How? What'd I do?
46
JENNA
I don't know, you know, that nice guy talky thing you do. You just…aww, forget it.
DOCTOR POMATTER
You forgot your— <kiss>
JENNA
Oh shit.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Whoa whoa whoa wait!
JENNA
What do you want?
DOCTOR POMATTER
I want to see you again. Talk to you. Somewhere outside of here.
Can we have coffee together or something?
JENNA
I can't have coffee. It's on the Bad Food List you gave me. What kind of doctor are you?
SONG #9: BAD IDEA
IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU
DOCTOR POMATTER
I know, I totally agree.
BOTH
IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU
DOCTOR POMATTER
I’VE NEVER KNOWN ANYTHING SO TRUE
BOTH
IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA ME AND YOU
JENNA
YOU HAVE A WIFE
DOCTOR POMATTER
YOU HAVE A HUSBAND
JENNA
YOU’RE MY DOCTOR!
DOCTOR POMATTER
YOU’VE GOT A BABY COMING
BOTH
IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU
LET’S JUST KEEP KISSING TILL WE COME TO
47
HEART STOP RACING, LET’S FACE IT
MAKING MISTAKES LIKE THIS WILL MAKE WORSE WHAT WAS
ALREADY PRETTY BAD
MIND STOP RUNNING
IT’S TIME WE JUST LET THIS THING GO
IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD BAD IDEA WASN’T IT THOUGH
IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU
IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU
HOLD ME CLOSE WHILE I THINK THIS THROUGH
YEAH IT’S A VERY POOR IDEA ME AND YOU
BOTH
HEART STOP RACING, LET’S FACE IT
MAKING MISTAKES LIKE THIS WILL MAKE WORSE WHAT WAS
ALREADY PRETTY BAD
MIND STOP RUNNING, IT’S TIME WE JUST LET THIS THING GO
IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD BAD IDEA WASN’T IT THOUGH
I KNOW WHAT’S RIGHT FOR ME
IT’S THE ONLY THING
JENNA POMATTER
I’VE EVER DONE
I’VE NEVER DONE
BOTH
WHAT IF I NEVER SEE MYSELF EVER BE ANYTHING
MORE THAN WHAT I’VE ALREADY BECOME
JENNA
I NEED A BAD IDEA
I NEED A BAD IDEA
BOTH
I NEED A BAD IDEA
I NEED A BAD IDEA
JUST ONE
JENNA & POMATTER
HEART KEEP RACING, LET’S MAKE MISTAKES
LET US SAY SO WHAT AND MAKE
WORSE WHAT WAS ALREADY PRETTY BAD
THIS SECRET IS SAFE, NO REASON TO THROW IT AWAY
WHEN THERE’S LOVE TO BE HAD
HOLD ME TIGHT AS I TELL MYSELF
THAT YOU MIGHT MAKE SENSE
AND MAKE GOOD WHAT HAS BEEN JUST SO BAD
LET’S SEE THIS THROUGH
IT’S A PRETTY GOOD BAD IDEA
DOCTOR POMATTER
ME AND YOU
JENNA
ME AND YOU.
END OF ACT ONE
48
Act II, Scene 1: The Pantry
JENNA
“I Wanna Play Doctor With My Gynecologist Pie.”
Vanilla custard. Drizzled with warm melted caramel. Nuts. Totally nuts. Topped with honey kissed
whipped cream and banana. Hold the banana. Wake the hell up.
“I Can’t Have An Affair Because It’s Wrong
and I Don’t Want Earl to Kill Me Pie.”
Add cold water to chocolate stirrups. I mean syrup. Pour into a truly flakey crust. Don’t over bake,
could explode at any minute…
Oh my god! I didn’t see anything. I just need to find some place to throw up.
BECKY
Jenna, it just happened.
JENNA
Cal?... Cal?
BECKY
He’s got such nice strong hands... I wasn’t lookin’ for it, it was an accident.
JENNA
An affair is not an accident, dropping a tray is an accident. Cal didn’t just trip
into your va-jay-jay!
BECKY
Hey c’mon I’m just having me a little adventure after years and years of
lots of nothin’. It was gettin’ so quiet down there you could hear an echo.
JENNA
What about your husband?
BECKY
My husband wears pampers, curses constantly, and sleeps in a separate room.
JENNA
Then why don't you just leave him Becky?
BECKY
Because I love him! I wouldn’t leave him just because I have to change
his diaper three times a day. What kind of person would do that?
JENNA
What kinda person has an affair with Cal, who's married to Ethel?
BECKY
Cal thinks she's gay. They haven’t slept together in 15 years.
JENNA
Most married couples haven’t slept together in 15 years. But we know
Ethel. She's not – well, she could be – but if he thinks she’s gay, why
don’t they divorce?
49
BECKY
Because he loves her! What kind of man would leave his wife just
because she’s gay? (slam)
JENNA
Well she—
BECKY
Hey hey hey you're supposed to be my friend, not Ethel's! And I didn’t say
nothin’ about your mornin’ visit to the doc when you came back with your
dress on inside out ‘cause you were too busy puttin’ the pap back in smear.
JENNA
That was one time and I was not in my right mind. I put the lid on it.
BECKY
Of course you did.
JENNA
What’s that supposed to mean.
BECKY
Just go in your pantry Jenna – bake another Bury The Bullshit Pie.
JENNA
You got me all figured out don’t you. You got everything all figured out.
The world according to Becky—
SONG #10: I DIDN’T PLAN IT
BECKY
GO AHEAD AND THROW YOUR ROCKS AT ME
FROM YOUR LITTLE GLASS HOUSE AND THEN TAKE OFF RUNNING
YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN ME
WE’VE BOTH MADE MISTAKES HAVEN’T WE?
I WON’T UNDO WHAT I’M DOING
TO SIT IN JUDGMENT OF WHAT MAKES US HUMAN
I DON’T CLAIM TO BE PROUD BUT
MY HEAD WON’T BE HUNG IN SHAME
I DIDN’T PLAN IT
BUT THE LIGHT TURNED RED AND I RAN IT
AND I’M STILL STANDING
IT’S NOT WHAT I WANTED BUT NOW THAT IT’S RIGHT HERE
I UNDERSTAND IT
A STORY WRITTEN BY MY OWN HAND IT’S
LIFE BITING RIGHT AT YOUR HEELS
I DIDN’T PLAN IT
BUT IT’S FINALLY SOMETHING TO FEEL
JENNA
Becky, I can’t go there.
BECKY
Honey we’re already there.
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BECKY (CONT’D)
LOOK AROUND YOU AIN’T NO SAINTS HERE BABY
WE’RE ALL JUST LOOKING FOR A LITTLE LESS CRAZY
AND SOMETIMES IT’S A HARD LEFT TURN
DOWN A ROAD YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D SEE
I DIDN’T PLAN IT
TAKING BACK WHAT’S BEEN TAKEN FOR GRANTED
AND I CAN’T STAND IT
I’M SICK OF THE WAY I’VE BEEN WAITING TO BREAK FREE
I NEEDED SAVING
AND A GOOD MISTAKE NEEDED MAKING
MAYBE YOU NEED THE SAME THING
SOMETHING TO FEEL
TO RACE THROUGH YOUR BLOOD AND REMIND YOU YOU’RE HERE
TO OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AROUND
AND SEE THE SKY WHEN YOU’RE UNDERGROUND
I DIDN’T PLAN IT BUT THAT’S LIFE
AND I’M FINALLY FEELING ALIVE
IT’S NOT RIGHT
BUT IT’S MINE
AND IT’S FINALLY SOMETHING TO FEEL
END SONG
CHOOSING PIE TRANSITION
51
Act II, Scene 2: Doctor Pomatter’s Office
DOCTOR POMATTER
Hello, Mrs. Hunterson.
JENNA
Hello, Doctor Pomatter.
DOCTOR POMATTER
How have you been feeling?
JENNA
Fine.
NURSE NORMA
Oh how nice, you brought a pie – What kind?
JENNA
“A Little Wild, Wild Berry Pie”
NURSE NORMA
Thank you, how thoughtful.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Nurse Norma, I’ll take Mrs. Hunterson’s blood, I need you to…
re-weigh Mrs. Morrissey.
NURSE NORMA
But—
DOCTOR POMATTER
Please. Please. Please! It’s important – it’s crucial – She’s coming
Mrs. Morrissey, don’t worry!
NURSE NORMA
I don’t know what the hell this man’s talkin’ about. He ain’t nothin’ but
a country club doctor.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Don’t do that again.
JENNA
What? Bring a pie?
DOCTOR POMATTER
No not that! Of course not that. I meant go away for a full month and not call me.
JENNA
Well I didn’t have any questions or concerns—
DOCTOR POMATTER
Don’t do that.
52
JENNA
This is craziness, Doctor Pomatter.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Please call me Jim.
JENNA
No, I won’t.
DOCTOR POMATTER
O.K. Don’t. Dr. Pomatter is fine.
So I guess we’re officially forgetting everything that happened between us.
JENNA
Yes. We officially are.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I want to apologize for it. I almost called you, I mean, just to apologize. I
want you to know that it will never happen again. From this point on, our
relationship is strictly a medical, professional one.
Jenna…No! Not with the door open.
NURSE NORMA
Mrs. Morrissey still weighs 142 pounds.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Thank you, Nurse Norma. So Mrs. Hunterson, you’re taking your
pre-natal vitamins every day?
JENNA
Faithfully.
NURSE NORMA
Faithfully my ass.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Good. I would like you to come back tomorrow.
NURSE NORMA
Tomorrow?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Yes. Are we on the same page now?
JENNA
We’re on the same page.
NURSE NORMA
We’re all on the same page.
53
SONG #11: BAD IDEA (REPRISE)
DOCTOR POMATTER
HEARTS KEEP RACING
JENNA
THERE’S NO MISTAKING
DOCTOR POMATTER
WE CAN’T COME BACK FROM THIS
JENNA
GOOD! ‘CAUSE I WANT MORE OF WHAT I HAD
DOCTOR POMATTER
IT FEELS SO GOOD TO
JENNA
FEELS SO GOOD
DOCTOR POMATTER & JENNA
TO BE BAD
TO BE BAD
DR. POMATTER
I’m very pleased with your progress, Mrs. Hunterson.
JENNA
Thank you, doctor
JENNA
Pineapple Upside Down Pie.
DR. POMATTER
Your hormone levels are rising beautifully, Mrs. Hunterson.
JENNA
In the Dark Dark Chocolate Pie.
JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER
TAKE THIS BAD IDEA AND WALK THIS WIRE
BECKY AND CAL
THROW YOUR SPARK INTO OIL AND FIRE
DAWN AND OGIE
CHANCE WON’T COME EVERY SINGLE DAY
DAWN/OGIE/CAL/BECKY
SO DON’T THROW IT AWAY
54
DAWN/OGIE/CAL/BECKY/JENNA/POMATTER
DON’T THROW IT AWAY
JENNA/ DAWN/ BECKY
WE MIGHT BURN BUT WE MIGHT GET SAVED
I DON’T FEEL MUCH FIRE AT ALL THESE DAYS
POMATTER/OGIE/CAL
FEELS SO GOOD TO
JENNA/DAWN/BECKY
FEELS SO GOOD
JENNA/DAWN/BECKY/POMATTER/OGIE/CAL
TO BE BAD
END SONG
UNDERSCORE: BAD IDEA REPRISE PLAYOFF
OGIE
The British are coming! The British are coming!
55
Act II, Scene 3: The Diner
JENNA
Hey Joe. How are ya?
JOE
Same bastard as yesterday, Jenna. The question is how are you?
JENNA
Same train wreck.
JOE
And how's the charming husband?
JENNA
Charming as ever.
JOE
Right. And the lipstick smudger?
JENNA
What?
JOE
You know…the dog on the side? The "affair."
JENNA
I'm not having an “affair” affair. It’s just a –
JOE
An affair. Your lipstick is all smudged like someone gave you a good one.
When you’re done wiping away your indiscretions, wanna hear your horoscope?
JENNA
No.
JOE
Aquarius. "Even if you have a miserable snake husband, you probably shouldn't
be having no affair, ‘cause it’s beneath you and could make you seem like a
common hussy. Not to mention the pain you could cause to other people.”
This afternoon I want the Singing Tuney Fish Casserole, no pickle on the plate.
Well-done frenchie fries. On their own plate. And Jenna's Devil’s Food Oasis Pie.
That’s the one that you should bake in that contest so you can win that money
and leave your husband fair and square and smudge your lipstick with whomever
the hell you want.
JENNA
Joe…you really think that pie is good enough to win?
JOE
That pie is a thing’a beauty… how each flavor opens itself, one by one, like a
chapter in a book. First you get flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet like
an old flame... and then strawberry, the way strawberry was always supposed to
56
taste but never knew how... In fact, you know what? Forget all the other stuff I
ordered. Just bring me the damn pie. Whattaya waiting for?
JENNA
I don’t believe for one second that you’re as mean as you play.
You tip me better than anyone.
DAWN
If you’re noticing I’m having a hard time walking today. Keep it between us.
JENNA
This is really heating up.
DAWN
He is so passionate. You wouldn’t know it to look at him but he is a sexual dynamo.
BECKY
No, you wouldn’t know it…
DAWN
He is amorous yet clean and well organized! And when he recites his
spontaneous poetry, well… I’m multi-orgasmic! I had no idea.
CAL
You know, I didn’t either and believe me it’s something I did not need to know. (bell)
Order up!
BECKY
Perhaps you could take some pointers, Cal.
CAL
Perhaps you could take this steamin’ slice of Twisted Kentucky Pecan Pie to table five.
BECKY
I didn’t realize it was hot and ready!
CAL
Girl, it’s been hot all morning.
UNDERSCORE: WESTERN FACEOFF II
OGIE
Hey buddy. I'm just waitin' on Dawn. She’s meetin’ my mom tonight. Takin ‘em to Stanton Grove for
steak dinner. It’s gettin’ serious. Real serious.
CAL
C’mon man you got this. Breathe.
OGIE
Dawn Pinkett!
DAWN
Ogie!
57
OGIE
Every day I think of you, and I think yes.
DAWN
Oh he’s makin’ me a poem, right here.
OGIE
We hold these truths to be self-evident. I am more than he who audits.
Yes. I am poetry and sex and living a dream. Love. Yes, uh huh. Yes.
DAWN
Oh my God… Will you bus my tables so I can—
BECKY AND JENNA
Yes!
DAWN
Oh thank you. You know Jenna, I must admit I don’t really feel I
understood the Declaration of Independence ‘til now. Life, Liberty—
JENNA/ DAWN
and the Pursuit of Happiness—
JENNA
Pie.
PIE MUSIC
JENNA
Meld warm Golden Delicious Apples with free flowing brown sugar.
Add cinnamon and allspice. Fold in cocoa chiffon until they merge perfectly.
Top with peaks of everlasting Chantilly cream.
58
Act II, Scene 4: Dr. Pomatter’s Office
DOCTOR POMATTER
Mrs.—
NURSE NORMA
Hunterson?
JENNA
Dust gently with powdered sugar…
NURSE NORMA
Mrs. Hunterson?
JENNA
Garnish with rose petals…
NURSE NORMA
Mrs. Hunterson! Doctor Pomatter and his wife had to fly back
East for a funeral this morning.
JENNA
He flew back east with his wife?
NURSE NORMA
Yes. So guess who’s gonna examine your cha-cha today? Me!... Just kiddin. You look like shit girl.
You feelin OK?
JENNA
Yeah. I’m fine I’m just – you know, the baby.
NURSE NORMA
Of course. How’s it working out with Doctor Pomatter?
JENNA
He’s very… professional.
NURSE NORMA
Isn’t he? Such a lovely bedside manner. Is that pie for me?
JENNA
I guess…
59
NURSE NORMA
Looks so yummy. What kind is it?
JENNA
The Pursuit of Happiness Pie.
NURSE NORMA
We could all use a slice of that.
Heartbeat strong and steady. Take a listen.
JENNA
Dear Baby...
Let me begin by saying I'm sorry. Don’t take it personally, baby, if I don't
seem like all the other mamas jumping all over themselves with joy. I wish
I could feel excitement that you're with me now. Or faith that I’ll be a good
mamas, even if my life is a mess and the world, as I see it, isn’t so pretty
like they’d have you believe in that baby book.
I frankly don’t know what I got to give you, baby.
What if I don’t win that contest and don’t have no money and can’t leave
Earl? What the hell am I gonna do with you then?
Some days I think I should just give you to some nice family who could
give you what I can't. I wish I could just run away. What kind of mama is that?
60
Act II, Scene 5: The Pantry
DOCTOR POMATTER
Jenna.
JENNA
What are you doin’ here? You can’t just come here.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I had to see you. It’s been weeks. I can’t take it not knowing how you are.
JENNA
Doctor Pomatter… we have to end this.
POMATTER
Why?
JENNA
Because I’ve been thinkin’ a lot while you were away with your wife...
and I can’t live with myself.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I won't have a conversation about how crazy this is, how bad my judgment is,
how sorry I am. I would be lying.
JENNA
Don’t say anything else. Don’t talk me out of it. Just go.
I don’t know how to do this. I haven’t felt anything like this…
I haven’t felt in a very long time.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Neither have I –
JENNA
So what now?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Maybe you could teach me how to make a pie…
JENNA
Seriously?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Seriously.
JENNA
Wow. I could do that. Sure….
DOCTOR POMATTER
I have something for you. A present.
61
JENNA
For me?
DR. POMATTER
Yes. For you. Open it.
JENNA
Oh my god.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I had your name engraved on the back.
JENNA
It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
DOCTOR POMATTER
It’s deep dish. Non-stick.
JENNA
Thank you…I have some gorgeous blackberries.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I love blackberries.
JENNA
We’re gonna make one my mama used to call “Lonely Chicago Pie.”
She made hundreds of different kinds. They all had real strange names.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Like mama like daughter…
JENNA
() She had such dreams for me. She’d be so sad to see how my life turned out.
Maybe I’m talkin’ too much.
DOCTOR POMATTER
No.
JENNA
Mama used to keep me in the kitchen when daddy was in a mood.
She’d teach me everything about baking... We’d sing this little song together
LET’S MAKE A NEW ONE, MAMA
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU LET ME PICK OUT THE NAME
SUGAR, AND BUTTER AND FLOUR, AND MOTHER
JENNA
What the hell are you doin’ here.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I’m learning how to make Lonely Chicago Pie.
62
JENNA
No, I mean here. Livin’ in this town.
DOCTOR POMATTER
My wife, she's doing her residency. We came here because of her.
JENNA
Are you happy with her? No, don't answer that.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I’m not good at happy. I tend to be neurotic… You calm me down.
You make me feel peaceful–even needed… And you’re so beautiful.
JENNA
I don’t know who you’re talkin’ about.
SONG #12: YOU MATTER TO ME
DOCTOR POMATTER
I COULD FIND THE WHOLE MEANING OF LIFE IN THOSE SAD EYES
THEY’VE SEEN THINGS THAT YOU NEVER QUITE SAY BUT I HEAR
COME OUT OF HIDING I’M RIGHT HERE BESIDE YOU
AND I’LL STAY THERE AS LONG AS YOU’LL LET ME
BECAUSE YOU MATTER TO ME
SIMPLE AND PLAIN AND NOT MUCH TO ASK FROM SOMEBODY
YOU MATTER TO ME
I PROMISE YOU DO YOU
YOU MATTER TOO
I PROMISE YOU DO YOU’LL SEE
YOU MATTER TO ME
JENNA
IT’S ADDICTIVE THE MINUTE YOU LET YOURSELF THINK
THE THINGS THAT I SAY JUST MIGHT MATTER TO SOMEONE
ALL OF THIS TIME I’VE BEEN KEEPING MY MIND ON THE RUNNING AWAY
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME I THINK I’D CONSIDER THE STAY
“Dear Baby. I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes
straight. They don't pull away, they don't look at your face, they don't try
to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight
without an ounce of selfishness to it… I hope you become addicted,
Baby. I hope you become addicted to saying things and having them
matter to someone.”
63
BOTH
YOU MATTER TO ME
SIMPLE AND PLAIN AND NOT MUCH TO ASK FROM SOMEBODY
YOU MATTER TO ME
JENNA DOCTOR POMATTER
I PROMISE YOU DO YOU COME OUT OF HIDING
YOU MATTER TOO I’M RIGHT HERE BESIDE YOU
AS LONG AS YOU’LL HAVE ME
I PROMISE YOU DO I DO
YOU MATTER TO ME PROMISE YOU DO
YOU MATTER TO ME
BOTH
YOU’LL SEE
YOU MATTER TO ME
END SONG
64
Act II, Scene 6: The Diner
MINISTER
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Ogie Herbert Eincorn and
Dawn Louise Pinkett—
OGIE
Shhh… Wedding poetry happenin’ right here right now!
SONG #13: I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE
OGIE
YOUR WHITE DRESS
SPARKS WORDS SPONTANEOUS
I’LL SING FROM MOUNTAIN TOPS
I AM IN LOVE (LOVE LOVE) AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT
LUCKY ME
I WAS ORDINARY
BUT WITH YOUR LOVE YOU SEE
I AM A POH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OEM WRITER
I WILL EXPRESS THIS IF I AM ABLE
I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE!
MY LEGS WERE CARVED FOR YOU
I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE (O-O-O-OH)
I’M WOOD AND YOU ARE GLUE
COVER ME WITH STUFF
I WILL HOLD IT UP
STRONG AND STABLE
I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE
DAWN
I LOVE YOU TOO
AND I WANTED TO TRY AND SURPRISE YOU
I’VE WRITTEN 29 NEW DRAFTS OF VOWS THAT DIDN’T RHYME
30 WAS A DRUM LINE
OGIE & DAWN
PROMISE TO AS BEST WE CAN
SAY I DO AND TELL YOU THAT
WHEN I SEE YOU
WANT TO AGAIN
END SONG
BECKY
The wedding pie, y’all!
OGIE
Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!
CAL
You’ve really outdone yourself Jenna. I’m bettin’ on you to win that contest next week.
65
JENNA
Thanks for letting me go Cal.
CAL
I’m not such a bad guy, maybe…
JENNA
You’re not such a bad guy, maybe…
CAL
Look at ‘em. Happiest day of their lives. They got no idea the ride they’re in for.
JENNA
…Cal can I ask you a question?
CAL
Shoot.
JENNA
Are you happy? Would you call yourself a happy man?
CAL
If you’re asking a serious question, I’ll tell you. I’m happy enough. I don’t
give much, I don’t get much, but I do try to enjoy whatever comes up.
That’s my truth, summed up for your feminine judgment. I’m happy enough.
BECKY
May I have this dance?
I had some big spenders yesterday. Stash this in the pot – towards your entry fee –
JENNA
Becky I can’t take your money with what you’re dealin’ with at home-
BECKY
Just this once. Let me feel a little philanthropopical. I don’t want you worryin’
about nothin’ but bakin’ yourself a better life. When you win that contest, you
think you’ll get one of those big giant checks that are the size of a door?
I’ve always wondered how you cash those…
JENNA
Maybe we should have an affair.
BECKY
No ma’am. This ain’t no affair. I’m in it for life.
JOE
Shoo shoo!... This reminds me of my third wedding to Sara-Marie Caputo.
Now she was a screamer.
JENNA
Joe!
66
JOE
I was just trying to point out her good qualities. Oh man, she was nasty.
JENNA
I’m gonna invent a special pie for you, called “Old Joe’s Horny Past Pie.”
JOE
You should enter that one in the contest! Wake those old biddies up!
JENNA
Maybe I’ll just bake it for you.
JOE
It’ll have to wait. My doctor says I shouldn’t be eatin’ that sweet stuff.
Liver actin’ up. Gotta have a piece of it removed.
JENNA
Oh Joe…
JOE
Last time I was in the hospital the nurse strapped me to a bed, pulled my pants
down and shot me in the ass… Not too shabby…
JENNA
Not too shabby.
JOE
You better promise me you’ll bake to win… Pie-lady, you’re shakin.
JENNA
I don’t know what I’m more scared of – losin’ or winnin’. Maybe I should just
make peace with happy enough like my mama did.
I don’t know Joe maybe it’s too late for me.
67
SONG #14: TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN
JOE
TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN
TIME’S JUST SAND SLIPPING PAST
WE WANT TO HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS
BUT NO ONE EVER SEES WHAT FALLS
THROUGH THE CRACKS
TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN
MY MISTAKES HAVE MADE ME
AND I AM WHAT I AM
AND THOUGH I DON’T BELIEVE
IN SILVER LININGS
I BELIEVE THERE’S SOMETHING IN YOU
SOMETHING GOOD IS TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT
AND WHEN YOU THINK YOU CAN’T
YOU CAN
TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN
TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN
THE DAYS DON’T STRETCH
ANY LONGER
THEY’VE LEFT TRACKS UPON MY SKIN
BUT I RECKON MADE ME STRONGER
I BELIEVE THERE’S SOMETHING IN YOU
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE SEEING TOO
BET IT ALL ON YOURSELF
AT LEAST ONE TIME
CAUSEHONEY, WIN OR LOSE, (WIN OR LOSE)
IT’S ONE HELL OF A RIDE
WOMAN
IT’S ONE HELL OF A RIDE
JOE
AND IF YOU LACK THE STRENGTH OF YOUR OWN
HONEY HOLD OUT YOUR HAND, AND TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN
END SONG
68
EARL
Excuse me, I’m gonna borrow my wife? Say your goodbyes, we’re goin’ home.
JOE
Who invited you?
EARL
Have another piece of pie, old man!
CAL
Hey come on.
JENNA
Don’t. It’ll make it worse.
EARL
Let’s go.
DAWN
Jenna! Please stay—
JENNA
I’m sorry – Bye sweetheart...
BECKY
Don’t leave!
JENNA
I love you… congratulations.
69
Act II, Scene 7: Earl & Jenna’s House
EARL
You must really think I’m stupid.
JENNA
No...
EARL
Unzip that cushion.
JENNA
I don’t want to—
EARL
Do it! What is that, Jenna? What is that?
JENNA
Money.
EARL
It's all over the fuckin’ house. In drawers, in cabinets, in the sofa.
Money hidden all over my house.
JENNA
I'm sorry.
EARL
After everything I've done for you, you go and hide money from me?
I was the only one there for you when your mama died and your old man
was piss drunk every night. Did you forget that?! Do I need this?!
Do I need this right now?!
JENNA
Earl, stop! You love that guitar!
EARL
You're the only thing I've ever loved. The only person ever belonged to me.
You’re my wife. You’re my whole life...You havin’ a secret from me tears me apart.
Why are you hidin’ money all over the house?
JENNA
I -
EARL
Tell me you were gonna surprise me- tell me you were gonna buy me something …
JENNA
Earl -
70
EARL
If I ever thought you weren't happy being my wife, that you were deceiving me,
I would kill myself. I would. I would want to die. Just hold me.
JENNA
The truth is, Earl... Truth is... I was saving that money for the baby.
To buy some nice things. A crib, toys... it was all for the baby.
EARL
It was for the baby?
JENNA
Yes Earl. For a crib.
EARL
I don’t know why you gotta make it so hard Jenna.
I just want us to be happy.
JENNA
Dear Baby, if you ever wanna know the story of how we bought your crib,
I will tell you. Your crib was bought with the money I was gonna use to buy
us a new life. The Springfield Pie Contest is startin’ next week and you and
I will not be in attendance.
SONG #15: SHE USED TO BE MINE
JENNA
IT’S NOT SIMPLE TO SAY
THAT MOST DAYS I DON’T RECOGNIZE ME
THAT THESE SHOES AND THIS APRON,
THAT PLACE AND ITS PATRONS HAVE
TAKEN MORE THAN I GAVE THEM.
IT’S NOT EASY TO KNOW
I’M NOT ANYTHING LIKE I USED TO BE ALTHOUGH
IT’S TRUE I WAS NEVER
ATTENTION’S SWEET CENTER
I STILL REMEMBER THAT GIRL:
SHE’S IMPERFECT BUT SHE TRIES
SHE IS GOOD BUT SHE LIES
SHE IS HARD ON HERSELF
SHE IS BROKEN AND WON’T ASK FOR HELP
SHE IS MESSY BUT SHE’S KIND
SHE IS LONELY MOST OF THE TIME
SHE IS ALL OF THIS MIXED UP AND BAKED IN A BEAUTIFUL PIE
SHE IS GONEBUT SHE USED TO BE MINE…..
IT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR
SOMETIMES LIFE JUST SLIPS IN
THROUGH A BACK DOOR
AND CARVES OUT A PERSON
AND MAKES YOU BELIEVE IT’S ALL TRUE
AND NOW I’VE GOT YOU
71
AND YOU’RE NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR,
IF I’M HONEST I KNOW
I WOULD GIVE IT ALL BACK
FOR A CHANCE TO START OVER
AND REWRITE AN ENDING OR TWO
FOR THAT GIRL THAT I KNEW
WHO WAS RECKLESS JUST ENOUGH
WHO GETS HURT BUT WHO LEARNS HOW TO TOUGHEN UP
WHEN SHE’S BRUISED AND GETS USED
BY A MAN WHO CAN’T LOVE
AND THEN SHE’LL GET STUCK
AND BE SCARED OF THE LIFE THAT’S INSIDE HER
GETTING STRONGER EACH DAY TILL IT FINALLY REMINDS HER
TO FIGHT JUST A LITTLE TO BRING BACK THE FIRE IN HER EYES
THAT’S BEEN GONE, BUT IT USED TO BE MINE….
IT USED TO MINE
SHE IS MESSY BUT SHE’S KIND
SHE IS LONELY MOST OF THE TIME
SHE IS ALL OF THIS MIXED UP
AND BAKED IN A BEAUTIFUL PIE
SHE IS GONE BUT SHE USED TO BE MINE.
END SONG
UNDERSCORE: CONTRACTION BALLET
72
Act II, Scene 8: The Hospital
DOCTOR POMATTER
Jenna, everything’s going to be OK.
JENNA
Just make it all go away.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Try to focus on your breathing. I’m gonna be right here.
JOE
Wheel me in.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Excuse me. Do you belong here?
JOE
Yes, I'm kin.
JENNA
He sure is! Joe! You having your surgery today?
JOE
Later this afternoon. Becky told me you were here. I bought you a card in that
gift shop downstairs. It's silly and flowery and almost gave me Diabetes.
JENNA
Thank you, Joe.
JOE
Don’t look at it now; look at it later when all the fuss is over.
EARL
Halftime in the lounge, Colts up 10 – what’s the ETA in here? Earl - father to be.
JOE
How could I forget you? Don't say nothin’ smart, you dumb ass. Wheel me out.
JENNA
Uh... Doctor Pomatter, this is my husband, Earl.
NURSE NORMA
Oh Lordy.
EARL
Hey Doc do you mind gettin’ out of the way so I can get a shot of me and my
wife on the big day. Much appreciated. Give me a kiss baby.
Whoa…so dramatic…
Babe you’re spittin’ on the lens.
JENNA
Doctor Pomatter?
73
DOCTOR POMATTER
Yes, Jenna?
JENNA
I just want to make sure we're clear about one thing.
DOCTOR POMATTER
What's that, Jenna?
JENNA
I want drugs. I want massive amounts of drugs. (Chip crunch)
I want the maximum legal limit of drugs.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Noted and understood.
FRANCINE
Try and steady your breathing hon. Hi, I'm Francine Pomatter.
Jim’s told me so much about you.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Did I tell you my wife is a resident here?
JENNA
Yeah I think you mighta mentioned that.
FRANCINE
Don’t worry you are in great hands with my husband.
JENNA
Is she gonna be here the whole delivery? I mean, are all the residents gonna be here?
DOCTOR POMATTER
No they were just here to observe the first stage of labor. Everybody out.
DAWN
Jenna! We’re here. Everything’s gonna be OK.
BECKY
Oh my lord- the pie is comin’ out of the oven! Order up!
JENNA
I don't want no baby Earl!
DOCTOR POMATTER
It's a girl!
EARL
A girl?
NURSE
Would you like to hold your baby, Mrs. Hunterson?
Mrs. Hunterson? Did you hear me? Are you ok? Mrs. Hunterson?
74
JENNA
Give her to me.
Oh my god...
Oh my god…
EARL
Now remember what I said – don’t you go lovin’ that baby more than me.
JENNA
I don’t love you anymore Earl, I haven’t in a very long time, I want a divorce.
EARL
That's not funny, Jenna.
JENNA
No one’s laughin. I want you the hell out of my life.
EARL
You’re never gonna leave me.
JENNA
Watch me!
EARL
You ain’t gonna do nothing! You better know your place! Don’t touch me!
Get your hands off me! Man, you’re gonna regret this when you get home.
JENNA
And you’re gonna regret ever saying that, because if you ever come within
6 yards of us, I will flatten your sorry ass and I will enjoy doing it.
Now get out before I call someone to carry you out.
75
SONG #17: EVERYTHING CHANGES (PART I)
JENNA
TODAY’S A DAY LIKE ANY OTHER
BUT I AM CHANGED I AM A MOTHER
OH IN AN INSTANT
AND WHO I WAS HAS DISAPPEARED
IT DOESN’T MATTER NOW YOU’RE HERE
SO INNOCENT
I WAS LOST FOR YOU TO FIND
AND NOW I’M YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE
TWO TINY HANDS, A PAIR OF EYES
AN UNSUNG MELODY IS MINE FOR SAFE-KEEPING
AND I WILL GUARD IT WITH MY LIFE
I’D HANG THE MOON FOR IT TO SHINE ON HER SLEEPING
STARTING HERE AND STARTING NOW
I CAN FEEL THE HEART OF HOW
BECKY/ DAWN/ JENNA
EVERYTHING CHANGES
BECKY
You done did it girl.
JENNA
Baby girl meet your God-mamas. I’m gonna call her Lulu.
Little Lulu the love of my life.
We’re gonna be happy, little girl. Not just happy enough.
We’re gonna be really happy.
OGIE
Hello – is everyone decent?
DAWN
Ogie, come here. Jenna, Ogie and I want you to know that you can stay
with us for a while until you get on your feet.
BECKY
You could stay with us, but I think Phil’s convulsions might frighten the baby.
DAWN
Look Ogie – isn’t she beautiful?
OGIE
There are no words… but I’m double-parked. I love you. I love you baby.
I love you too.
76
BECKY
Dawn, don’t we have business in the hallway?
DAWN
No…
BECKY
Dawn. (Dawn stops at wall-“Oh!”) DAWN!
DOCTOR POMATTER
How are you two doin’?
JENNA
You ever seen a baby this beautiful?
DOCTOR POMATTER
Out of the 762 I have delivered, between us- she is definitely the most beautiful.
Nurse Norma, can you get Mrs. Hunterson her complimentary burp cloths.
NURSE NORMA
Maybe in Connecticut this shit flies. Lord have mercy.
DOCTOR POMATTER
I know what you’re thinking. No I don’t. That’s a lie. What are you thinking?
JENNA
I’m thinking... I could never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.
And I’m thinkin’ your wife’s around. And you shouldn’t kiss me.
The way she looks at you. So much trust… We could have a big drama here
that gets drawn out for a couple of years, and makes everyone miserable,
or we end it right here. No body count.
DOCTOR POMATTER
So this is goodbye.
JENNA
I will never forget you.
DOCTOR POMATTER
Another lifetime.
JENNA
You deserve homemade but try telling that to a vending machine.
Here: “Thanks For Taking Me To The Moon Moonpie.”
77
SONG #17A: EVERYTHING CHANGES (PART II)
JENNA
I DIDN’T KNOW BUT NOW I SEE,
SOMETIMES WHAT IS, IS MEANT TO BE
YOU SAVED ME
MY BLURRY LINES, MY MESSY LIFE
COME INTO FOCUS AND IN TIME MAYBE
I CAN HEAL AND I CAN BREATHE
CAUSE I CAN FEEL MYSELF BELIEVE
COMPANY
EVERYTHING CHANGES
JENNA AND COMPANY
OH MY HEART’S AT THE WHEEL NOW
JENNA
AND ALL MY MISTAKES
THEY MAKE SENSE WHEN I TURN THEM AROUND
JENNA AND COMPANY
EVERYTHING CHANGES
JENNA
WHAT I THOUGHT WAS SO PERMANENT FADES
IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE,
THERE’S A NEW LIFE IN FRONT OF
MY FACE
AND I KNOW IN DUE TIME EVERY RIGHT
THING WILL FIND ITS
RIGHT PLACE
SO I SWEAR I’LL REMEMBER
TO SAY WE WERE BOTH
JENNA AND COMPANY
BORN TODAY
CAUSE EVERYTHING’S CHANGED
JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN
EVERYTHING CHAN-GES
END SONG
UNDERSCORE: JOE’S LETTER
JENNA
To my only friend. Start fresh. I’m leaving you the pie shop – name a pie for me when I’m gone.
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Act II, Scene 9: The Diner
CAL
Ok little Lulu, we have an order for 16 Lulu Lemonade Pies, eight Polka Dot Peach and four Cocoa
Cream, - how many is that?
LULU
A lot!
OGIE
A lot! Let me get that down. Come here you little genius! Now I got a trick for you.
LULU
Hi Mama!
CAL
Jenna what’s the special pie today?
JENNA
Old Joe’s Slice of Heaven Pie, with tomata’ on the side –
JENNA/BECKY/DAWN
On its own plate!
SONG #18: OPENING UP (FINALE)
JENNA/BECKY/DAWN/CAL/OGIE/ENSEMBLE
OPENING UP
INTO A NEW DAY
OPEN TO LOVE
ISN’T IT AMAZING WHAT
COMES OUR WAY
ONE AT A TIME
EVERYDAY FALLS IN LINE
LEARNING TO LOVE
WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE
LOOKING AROUND
AT THE SAME THINGS
ALL OF THEM CHANGING
CAUSE EVERYTHING DOES
LIFE’S REARRANGING
AND WE’RE OPENING UP
TO WHAT’S INSIDE OF….
WHAT’S INSIDE OF
LOVE
LOVE
JENNA
SUGAR BUTTER FLOUR
END SONG
79
SONG #19: BOWS
ALL
ISN’T IT AMAZING WHAT
COMES OUR WAY
ONE AT A TIME
EVERYDAY FALLS IN LINE
LEARNING TO LOVE
WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE
LOOKING AROUND
AT THE SAME THINGS
ALL OF THEM CHANGING
CAUSE EVERYTHING DOES
LIFE’S REARRANGING
AND WE’RE OPENING UP
TO WHAT’S INSIDE OF LOVE….
OPENING UP
OPENING UP!
