MyJourney
Born on 15 October 1931, at Rameswaram in Tamil Nadu, Dr Avul Pakir
Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam specialized in aeronautical engineering from
Madras Institute of Technology. Dr Kalam is one of the most distinguished
scientists of India and has received honorary doctorates from forty-five
universitiesandinstitutionsinIndiaandabroad.HehasbeenawardedthePadma
Bhushan(1981),thePadmaVibhushan(1990)andIndia'shighestcivilianaward,
theBharatRatna(1997).HehasalsoreceivedtheKingCharlesIImedal(2007),
the Woodrow Wilson Award (2008), the Hoover Award (2008) and the
International Von Karman Wings Award (2009) among other international
accolades.
DrKalambecametheeleventhPresidentofIndiaon25July2002.Hisfocusand
greatest ambition remains finding ways to transform India into a developed
nation.
Publishedby
RupaPublicationsIndiaPvt.Ltd2013
7/16,AnsariRoad,DaryaganjNewDelhi110002
SalesCentres:
AllahabadBengaluruChennaiHyderabadJaipurKathmanduKolkataMumbai
Textcopyright©A.P.J.AbdulKalam2013
Illustrationscopyright©RupaPublicationsIndiaPvt.Ltd2013
Allrightsreserved.
Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,transmitted,orstoredina
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photocopying,recordingorotherwise,withoutthepriorpermissionofthe
publisher.
10987654321
Themoralrightoftheauthorhasbeenasserted.
PrintedatThomsonPressIndiaLtd
Thisbookissoldsubjecttotheconditionthatitshallnot,bywayoftradeor
otherwise,belent,resold,hiredout,orotherwisecirculated,withoutthe
publisher’spriorconsent,inanyformofbindingorcoverotherthanthatin
whichitispublished.
TothesixteenmillionyouthwhoIhavemetand
interactedwithinthelasttwodecades
contents
Introduction
MyFather'sMorningWalk
TheBoat
AWorkingBoyatEight
ThreeGreatHeartsResolveaProblem
MyMotherandMySister
MyFirstMentor:AhmedJalalluddin
WhenIFailed
MyFavouriteBooks
ABrushwithFire
MyMentor:DrVikramSarabhai
ALifeinScience
MilestoGo
Acknowledgements
introduction
MyJourneyrecountscertainuniqueexperiencesofmylifefrommychildhood
until now, when I am over eighty years old. In all these yearsand throughall
these experiences, the most important lesson I have learnt is, one must keep
dreamingatvariousphasesoflife,andthenworkhardtorealizethosedreams.If
we do so, then success is imminent. To the many people I meet I alwayssay,
'Dreamsarenotthosethatweseeinoursleep;theyshouldbetheonesthatnever
letussleep.'
The idea for this book came to me one day while I was walking in my
garden. Like every other time, I stood under the grand Arjuna tree which is
nearlyahundredyearsoldinage,andIlookedupintoitsbranchestoseeifany
new nests had been built by birds or if a fresh beehive had appeared. And
something in that moment, as I gazed up at this tree, in this city of Delhi,
remindedmeintenselyofmyfather.He,too,wasanearlyriserwhosefirstfew
hours of the day would be spent with nature, examining his coconut trees,
walkingtheroadsofthetownwelivedin.Irecalledwithasmileandafeelingof
happinessmy childhood, thepeople whoinhabitedit,the hands Iheldwhile I
traversedit.Ithenalsobegantothinkofthejourneythatmylifehasbeen—the
unusualpathsIhavetravelled,thethingsIhaveseen,theeventsIhavebeena
partof.AndIbegantowonderifthese memories and experiencesshouldstay
withmeorifImustsharethemwithmynumerousreadersandfamilymembers
whose numbers have grown as large as the abundant roots of an enormous
banyantree—itsgreat-great-grandchildren!
Ihavewrittenafewbookstilldate,andinsomeofthemIhavedescribedmy
childhood experiences. When I wrote my first book about my life, I had
wondered how it would interest anyone. Unlike in my previous books, My
Journeyfocusesmoreonthesmaller,lesser-knownhappeningsinmylife.The
incidents around my mother and father were written because even now, at the
age of eighty-two, I still cherish the values and ethics that they lovingly
inculcated in me. The qualities they instilled in me, and which I learnt from
observing them and by understanding their reactions to the adversities they
faced,havehelpedmelivebetter,andthroughthesevaluesmyparentsstilllive
strongly within me. When my father talked about the importance of
understanding people's minds, or faced difficulties stoically, I remembered his
wordsyearslaterwhenIwasbattlingvariousoddsmyself.Inmymother'stender
touch and sensitive upbringing of her children I found a world of love and
kindness.Ialsofeltcompelledtorecordindetailthecontributionsofmysister
Zohraandhergenerosity;theopennessoftheoutlookofmyfirstmentorAhmed
Jalalluddinthatfirstencouragedmetothinkofstudyingfurther.Instancessuch
asmyfailuretoqualifyfortheIndianAirForceandtheotheradversitiesIhave
beenwitnessto,haveallbroughthometomethenecessityofsetbacksinone's
life.Yes,theyseeminsurmountableatthetime,buttherereallyisnodifficulty
onecannotovercomeifthereisdeterminationintheheart.
Recently, I was talking to my friend Professor Arun Tiwari, when he
suddenlyaskedmeanunusualquestion,'Kalamsaheb,canyousumupyourlife
sofar,inonesentence?'
It made me think for a while. Eventually I said, 'Arun, my life can be
summed up in these phrases and words: love poured to the child…struggle…
more struggle…bitter tears… then sweet tears…and finally a life as beautiful
andfulfillingasseeingthebirthofthefullmoon.'
I hope these stories will help all my readers understand their dreams and
compelthemtoworkonthosedreamsthatkeepthemawake.
A.P.J.AbdulKalam
or as far back as I can remember, my father Jainulabdeen's day began at 4
a.m.He wouldbe up beforeanyone else inthe household. Aftersaying his
prayersinthebreakinglightoftheday,hewouldgoonalongwalktovisithis
coconutgrove. WelivedinRameswaram,asmalltempletownonan islandin
TamilNadu.ThisbeingontheeastcoastofIndia,dawnwouldbreakearly,and
ourday'sschedulefollowedtherhythmoftherisingandsettingofthesunand
theseawaves.
The sound of the sea was a constant presence in our lives. Storms and
cyclones blew by with regularity during the tumultuous monsoon months. We
lived in our ancestral home,a fairlylargehouse made of limestone andbrick,
builtsometimeinthenineteenthcentury.Itwasneverluxurious,butwasfilled
withlove.Myfatherhadaboat-buildingbusiness.Additionally,wealsoowned
asmall coconut grovesome fourmilesaway from ourhouse. Thatwaswhere
myfatherwouldbeheadedforintheearlymorninghours.Hiswalkingcircuit
waswellestablishedandherarelydeviatedfromit.Firsthewouldstepoutinto
Mosque Street, where our house was located. It was a small, predominantly
Muslim locality not too far from the Shiva temple that has made our town
famousforcenturies.Hewouldthenwalkthroughthenarrowlanesofthetown,
onto the moreopen roadsleading tothecoconutgroves, and finallywind his
waythroughthegrovestohispatchofland.
TodayItrytoimaginehimwalkingonthosequietroads,longbeforetheday
made itsmany demandson him. Ours was alargefamily and I am surethere
weremanypressuresonhimtoseetoourneeds.Butatthathour,Ithinkofhim
listening intently to the sea, to the ever-present ravens and other birds that
swoopedandflewallaround,wokenupbytherisingsunlikehim.Perhapshe
saidhisprayerstohimselfashewalked,orthoughtofhisfamilywithacalm,
unclutteredearlymorningmind.Ineverdidaskhimwhatwentthroughhismind
on this long daily walk—for when does a young boy really have the time to
reflectinthiswayabouthisfather?ButIwasalwayssurethatthemorningwalk
addedsomethingtohispersonality,anelementofcalmthatwasapparentevento
strangers.
Myfatherwasnotapersonwithmuchformaleducation;neitherdidheever
acquire much wealth in his long lifetime. Yet, he was one of the wisest, truly
generous men I have had the fortune of knowing. Our mosque was the focal
pointofthelocality,andmyfatherwasthemaneveryoneturnedtointheirhour
ofneed.TheybelievedthathewastrulyconnectedtoGod.Iremembergoingto
themosquetosaymyprayerswithhim.Hemadesurewenevermissedanyof
ourprayersandneitherdiditenterourmindstoshirkthisduty.Aftersayingour
namaz, when we would step out on to the road, groups of people would
inevitablybethere,waitingtotalktohimandsharetheirworrieswithhim.
Whatdid these menand women seeinhim? He wasnota preacher, nora
teacher. He was just aman who lived by hisconvictions and the tenets ofhis
religion.Whatdidhegivethem?Inowthinkthatitwashismerepresencethat
calmedthemand gave them hope. He said prayers for them,andmanypeople
wouldofferhimbowlsofwater.Hewoulddiphisfingertipsinthemandsaya
prayer,afterwhichthewaterwouldbetakenawaytobegiventothesick.Later,
manyofthesepeoplewouldcometothehouseandthankhimforhavingcured
theirnearanddearones.
Whydidhedothis?Andwheredidhegetthepeacefulnessandgenerosityof
heart to talk to people, comfort them and pray for them, in the midst of the
busynessofhisownlife?Hewasahumbleboatowner.Lifewascertainlynot
easyforhim,whatwithfindingthebestwaystomakeendsmeetinatinytemple
towncutofffromthemainland.Yet,neveroncedidIseemyfatherturnaway
anyonewhowantedtounburdenhimselfbytalkingtohim.
Withoutdoubt,hewasadeeplyspiritualmanwithsomekindofconnection
withGod.Ibelievehisspiritualitycamefrombeingalearnedman.Heknewthe
scripturesandcouldbringouttheiressentialtruthtoeventheyoungestenquiring
mind. When I asked him questions, he would always reply and attempt to
explain in simple, straightforward Tamil. Once I asked him, 'Why do these
peoplecometoyou?Andwhatdoyoureallydoforthem?'Hisreplystillstays
withme,nearlyfivedecadeslater.
'Wheneverhuman beingsfindthemselves alone, asa natural reaction,they
startlookingforcompany.Whenevertheyareintrouble,theylookforsomeone
tohelpthem…Everyrecurrentanguish,longinganddesirefindsitownspecial
helper.Forthepeoplewhocometomeindistress,Iambutago-betweenintheir
efforttowardoffdemonicforceswithprayersandofferings.'
Thenhewentontotellmesomethingaboutprayersanditspoweroverman
thatstillresonates,despitemyyearsinthefieldofscientificresearch.Hesaidto
look for help outside is never the final answer. 'One must understand the
differencebetweenafear-riddenvisionofdestinyandthevisionthatenablesus
toseektheenemyoffulfillmentwithinourselves…Whentroublescome,tryto
understand the relevance of your sufferings. Adversity always presents
opportunitiesforintrospection.'
His advice meant that in the many setbacks and defeats that destiny has
handedme,Ihavealwaysbeenabletolookwithinforstrength.Itravelledfar,
farawayfromlifeinRameswaram.MyjourneytookmetoplacesIhadnever
imaginedvisiting—fromthecockpitofafighterjettothehighestofficeinthe
nation.Yet,itwasalwayshiswordsthatcamebacktome.
'There is a divine power that looks over us, that gently lifts us from our
sadnessandfailuresandmiseries.Ifweopenourmindsandletit,itwillguide
ustoourtrueplace.Releaseyourselffromthebindingsthatlimityouandletthat
power overtake your mind, and that's when you will be on the road to true
happinessandpeace.'ThisiswhatIimaginehimsayingtomewheneverIam
worried.
Iamnoweighty-twoyearsofage.Likehim,myday,eventoday,beginswith
awalk.EverymorningIsavourthesightofthenewsun,thebenignlightinthe
sky before the sun appears, the cool breeze and the sweet call of the birds. I
understandhowthisshorttimeof the day bindsus to nature. Eachmorning is
differentinthewaytheelementscometogetherforthatday.Itisalittledrama
natureputsuponlyforus,andIcan'tstopmarvellingatit.Unlikehim,Ioften
findmyselfindifferentcitiesandtownsinthemorningsbecauseofmytravels,
buttheearlymorningpeaceandcalmisthesameeverywhere.WhereverIam,I
canfindatreethatisgreatwithage,wherebirdsdwellandgobusilyabouttheir
daywiththenewdawn,whoseleaveswavegentlytomeinthemorningbreeze.
Itmaybeawarmdayorabitterlycoldmistymorningwhenmybreathfogsthe
airinfrontofme,butthistimeawayfromthecaresandworriesthattherestof
thedaywillinvariablybringmeanssomuchtome.
At my home in Delhi there is a grand old Arjuna tree. Somehow my feet
always pull me towards it when I walk in my garden. Itis usually laden with
honeycombsandis home tohundreds of birds,especially parrots.The dignity,
beautyandstatureofthistreebringsmemoriesofmyfathertomindandIeven
have silent conversations with it. Once, I wrote this poem, where I imagined
whatthetreewouldsaytomeifonlyitcould:
OhmyfriendKalam,
Icrossedagehundredlikeyourfatherandmother.
Everydaymorning,youwalkanhour,
Ialsoseeyouonfullmoonnights,
Walkingwithathinkingmood.
Iknow,myfriend,thethoughtsinyourmind,
'WhatcanIgive?'…
(TheGreatTreeinMyHome)
As I walk wherever my life has led me, I often think of my father
Jainulabdeen.Inmymind'seyeIseeasimpleman,who,evenwhenhewasofa
greatage,continuedtowalkeverymorningtohiscoconutgrove.AsIseehim,I
imaginehowit'sbeenalmostanhoursincehesetoff,andthecaretakerofthe
grove is also up and going about his day. When my father walks into his
plantation,themenhaileachotherwithwarmth.PerhapsJainulabdeensitsdown
somewhere awhile. The other man climbs a coconut tree. He chooses half a
dozencoconutsandcutsthemdownwithaswingofhisknife.Theyfallwitha
thumptotheground.Themanquicklymakeshiswaydown.Thenheproceeds
totiethemuptogetherintoaneatbundle.Nowthetwomensitcompanionably
for a while. They discuss the state of the trees. They peer up at the sky, talk
aboutrainsandpestsandothermattersofthesoil.FinallyJainulabdeenpicksup
hisbundle ofcoconuts,saysgoodbyeand beginshiswalkbackhome.Hewill
giveawayafewcoconutstoneighboursandothers.Therestwillfindtheirway
intocurriesandchutneyspreparedbymymother.Istillremembersittingdown
to those simple meals and enjoying immensely the smooth, creamy coconut
chutneymymotherplacedontheleafplate.Itisatastethathaslingeredinmy
mouthevenyearslater,madesweeterstillknowingthatitcontainedtheloveof
myparentsandtheirhonesthardwork.
ivingontheislandofRameswaramwhileIwasgrowingup,theseawasan
importantpartof our lives.Itstides,the lapping ofthe waves,the soundof
trainspassingonthePambanBridge,thebirdsthatalwayscircledthetownand
thesaltintheairaresightsandsoundsthatwillalwaysremainlinkedwithmy
memories of childhood. Apart from its sheer presence around us, the sea was
alsoasourceoflivelihoodforourneighboursandus.Almosteveryhousehold
hadsomeconnectionwiththesea,whetherasfishermenorasboatowners.
Myfather,too,operatedaferrythattookpeoplebackandforthbetweenthe
islandsofRameswaramandDhanushkodi,whichisabouttwenty-twokilometres
away.Istillrememberthetimewhenhegottheideaforthis,andhowwebuilt
thatboat.
Rameswaramhas,sinceantiquity,beenanimportantpilgrimagedestination.
Rama is believedto havestopped here andbuilt thebridge to Lankawhen he
wasonhiswaytorescueSita.ThetempleofRameswaramisdedicatedtoShiva,
andhousesalingamfashionedbySitaherself.SomeversionsoftheRamayana
saythatRama,LakshmanaandSitastoppedheretopraytoShivaontheirway
backtoAyodhyafromLanka.
People visiting our town would go to Dhanushkodi as part of their
pilgrimage.AbathatSagara-Sangamhereisconsideredsacred.Thesangamis
themeetingplace of the Bay of Bengal and theIndianOcean.Dhanushkodiis
nowconnectedbyroadandvanstakepilgrimsthere,butwaybackwhenIwasa
child,aferrywasalsoagoodwayofreachingtheisland.
Myfather,lookingtosupplementhisnotverysubstantialincome,decidedto
start a ferry business. He started building the boat that we needed for this
himself,ontheseashore.
Watchingtheboatcometolifefrompiecesofwoodandmetalwasperhaps
my first introduction to the world of engineering. Wood was procured and
AhmedJalalluddin,acousin,arrivedtohelpmyfatherout.Everyday,Iwould
wait impatiently till I could go to the place where the boat was taking shape.
Long pieces of wood were cutinto therequired shape,dried, smoothenedand
thenjoinedtogether.Woodfiresseasonedthewoodthatmadeupthehullandthe
bulkheads.Slowlythebottom,thenthesidesandthehullbegantoforminfront
ofoureyes.Manyyearslater,inmywork,Iwouldlearnhowtomakerockets
andmissiles.Complexmathematicsandscientificresearchwouldbethebedrock
of those engineering marvels. But that boat coming up on a seashore, which
wouldtakepilgrimsandfishermenbackandforth…whoistosayitwasnotas
importantormomentousinourlivesthen?
Thebuildingoftheboatwasanimportantinfluenceformeinanotherway.It
brought Ahmed Jalalluddin into my life. He was much older than me, yet we
struckupafriendship.Herecognizedtheinherentdesirewithinmetolearnand
question,and wasalwaystheretolendapatientearand givewordsofadvice.
He could read and write English, and spoke to me about scientists and
inventions, literature and medicine. Walking with him in the streets of
Rameswaram,orbytheseaside,orbyourboatasittookshape,mymindbegan
toformideasandambitions.
The boat business was a great success. My father employed some men to
operateit,andgroupsofpilgrimswouldusetheservicetoreachDhanushkodi.
ThereweredayswhenIwouldslipinamongthecrowdandsitwiththecrewas
theysteeredtheboattoandfromRameswaram.IheardthestoryofRamaand
howhebuiltthebridgetoLankawiththehelpofhisarmyofmonkeys;howhe
broughtbackSitaandstoppedatRameswaramagain,sothattheycouldperform
penanceforhavingkilledRavana;howHanumanwastoldtobringbackalarge
lingamfromfar up north, but whenhetooktoolong,Sitawouldnotwaitand
fashioned a lingam with her own hands to worship Shiva. These stories and
manyotherswashedaroundmeindifferenttonguesandshapes,aspeoplefrom
all over India used our ferry service.A little boy among so many was always
welcomeandtherewouldbesomeoneortheotherwillingtotalktome,share
thestoryofhislifeandhisreasonsformakingthepilgrimage.
And so the years went by. My school, teachers, Ahmed Jalalluddin and
otherstaughtme so manythings. Butthe boatand thepeople whosailedinit
were no less important. In this way, among the waves and the sands, laughter
andstories,thedaysflewby.Thenoneday,disasterstruck.
TheBayofBengalishitfrequentlybycyclones.ThemonthsofNovember
andMayinparticulararedangerousinthisregard.Istillrememberthenightof
that terrible cyclone vividly. The wind had picked up speed for days, till it
became a howling gale. It screamed and whistled in our ears and pulled and
hackedatthetreesoranythingthatstoodinitsway.Soontorrentialrainstarted.
Wehadretreatedintoourhousesmuchearlier.Therewasnoelectricityinthose
days, and the lamps barely managed to stay alive. In that flickering darkness,
withthe windworking itselfinto a frenzy,the sound oftherain lashingdown
outside, we huddled together and waited for the night to pass. My thoughts
travelledagainandagaintotheopenseas.Wasanyonetrappedthere?Whatwas
itliketobeinastormsuchasthiswithoutyourmother'scomfortingpresence
closeby?
The next morning, after the storm died down, we saw the unbelievable
destructionthathadbeenwroughtallaroundus.Trees,houses,plantationswere
uprooted and devastated. The roads had disappeared under water and debris
flowninbywindsthathadcomeinatspeedsofover100milesanhour.Butthe
worstnewsofallwastheonethathituslikeapunchtothestomach.Ourboat
hadbeenwashedaway.NowwhenIthinkofthatday,Irealizethatperhapsmy
fatherhadknownthis would happen thenight before, while wewaited for the
stormtopass.Inhislifehehadalreadywitnessedsomanystormsandcyclones.
Thiswasjustoneofthem.Yet,hehadtriedtocalmuschildrendownandhad
madesurewewenttosleepwithoutinfectinguswithhisworries.Inthelightof
the morning, seeing his drawn face and the worries lining his eyes, I tried to
gathermythoughts.InmymindImournedourlostferryboatfiercely.Itfeltas
though something I had made with my own hands had been gathered up and
tossedawaythoughtlessly.
Yet, my father's stoicism is what saw us through this crisis too. In time
another boat came, and business resumed. Pilgrims and tourists returned. The
templeandthemosquefilledwithworshippersandthemarketsbustledwithmen
andwomen,buyingandsellingoncemore.
Cyclonesandstormsstruckusagainandagain.Ievenlearnttosleepthrough
them.Manyyearslater,in1964,whenIwasnolongerlivinginRameswaram,a
massive cyclone struck. This time, it carried away a part of the landmass of
Dhanushkodi.AtrainthatwasonPambanBridgeatthetimewaswashedaway,
withmanypilgrimsinside.Italteredthegeographyofthearea,andDhanushkodi
becameaghosttown,neverreallyrecoveringitsformercharacter.Eventoday,
remnantsofbuildingsstandthereasmonumentstothe1964cyclone.
Myfatherlosthisferryboatoncemoreinthatstorm.Hehadtorebuildhis
business yet again. I could not do much to help him practically, for I was far
removed from that world. But when I struggled to give shape to the Satellite
Launch Vehicle (SLV) rocket, or the Prithvi and Agni missiles, when
countdownsandtake-offsweredisrupted,andourrocketlaunchsitessituatedby
the Bay of Bengal in Thumba and Chandipur were rained upon, I always
remembered the look on my father's face the day after the storm. It was an
acknowledgementofthepowerofnature,ofknowingwhatitmeanstoliveby
theseaandmakeyour living fromit.Ofknowingthatthereisalargerenergy
andforcethatcancrushourambitionsandplansintheblinkofaneye,andthat
theonlywaytosurviveistofaceyourtroublesandrebuildyourlife.
very morning a large pile of newspapers, both in English and Tamil, is
deliveredtome.DuringmytravelsabroadIliketostayintouchwithnews
from India, which I do by going online to read news articles and editorials in
differentmagazinesandpapers.Thewealthofinformationnowavailableatthe
clickofafingeramazesme.Asapersoncloselyinvolvedwithengineeringand
science,themarchoftechnologyshouldnotsurpriseme,butwhenIjuxtapose
ourlivestodaywithwhatitwaslikeseventyyearsago,inasmallsouthIndian
town,thedifferenceisstartlingevenforme.
I was bornin theyear1931. WhenI was abouteight, World War II broke
out. Britaindeclared war on Nazi Germany, and despite the Indian Congress's
opposition,Indiatoo,asa British colony, wasinvolved in thewar.India'swar
effort saw a record number of Indian soldiers being deployed in various
warzones around the world. Daily life, however, remained fairly unaffected
initially,particularlyforusinthesoutherntipofthecountry.
AsIhavementioned,Rameswaraminthe1940swasasleepylittletownthat
camealivewiththearrivalofpilgrims.Theinhabitantsweremostlytradespeople
orsmallbusinessmen.Thetownwasdominatedbythetemple,thoughtherewas
a mosque and a church too. The inhabitants went about their way fairly
peacefully,andotherthanthenormalaltercationsthatbreakoutinanytownor
village,nothingmuchofimportancehappened.
Theonlysourceofinformationabouttheoutsideworldwasthenewspaper.
The agency that distributed newspapers was run by my cousin Samsuddin.
AlongwithJalalluddin,hewasabiginfluenceinmyearlylife.Thoughhecould
read and write,Samsuddin was not well travelled nor highly educated. Yet he
hadsuchaffectionformeandencouragedmeinsomanyways,thathebecamea
guiding light forme. Thesemen understood my deepest thoughtsand feelings
before I could articulate them. To me they were adults who could reach out
beyondthenarrowconfinesoftheirdailylivesandbusinessesandseethelarger
world.
Samsuddin's newspaper distribution agency was the only one in
Rameswaram.Therewereaboutathousandliteratepeopleinthetown,andhe
delivered newspapers to all of them. The papers carried news about the
Independence Movement that was heading towards a crescendo at the time.
These news items would be read and discussed with great gusto among
everyone. There would also be news from the war front, about Hitler and the
Naziarmy. Ofcourse,there were manymundanematters too, likeastrological
referencesorbullionrates,whichwereconsultedwithutmostinterest.TheTamil
paperDinamaniwasthemostpopularofallthesepapers.
ThewaythepapersreachedRameswaramwasquiteunique.Theycameby
morningtrainandwerekeptatRameswaramstation.Fromtheretheyhadtobe
collectedandsenttoallthesubscribers.ThiswasSamsuddin'sbusinessandhe
managediteffortlessly.However,asWorldWarIIraged,wenolongerremained
isolated from the world, and it affected my life and the newspaper delivery
businessinastrangenewway.
The British government had placed a number of sanctions and rations on
goods.Somethinglikea state of emergency now prevailedin thecountry. Our
largefamilyfeltthedifficultiesacutely.Food,clothes,theneedsofthebabiesof
the household, all became difficult to procure and provide for. In our family
therewerefivesonsanddaughters,aswellasmyfather'sbrothers'families.My
grandmother and mother had to stretch every resource to the utmost to keep
everyonefed,clothedandingoodhealth.
Asthedifficultiesofthewarstartedaffectingus,Samsuddincameupwitha
proposal that excited and delighted me tremendously. One fallout of the
conditions was that the rail stop at Rameswaram station had been done away
with.Whatwouldhappentoourpapersthen?Howweretheytobecollectedand
thendistributedtoallthepeopleofthetownwhowerelookingforwardtotheir
daily dose of news? Samsuddin found a way out. The papers would be kept
ready in large bundles. As the train chugged down the Rameswaram–
Dhanushkodi track, they would be flung out on to the platform. And that is
where I came in. Samsuddin offered me the enjoyable job of catching these
bundles of papers being thrown from the moving train and then taking them
aroundtownfordistribution!
My enthusiasm knew no bounds. I was only eight, but I was going to
contributeinameaningfulwaytothehouseholdincome!FormanydaysIhad
noticedtheamountoffoodonmymother'sandgrandmother'splatesbecoming
lesser and lesser as they divided the portions between all of us. The children
were always fed first and I don't remember any of us ever going hungry.
Obviously,thewomenwerecompromisingontheirnutritionforus.Iagreedto
Samsuddin'sofferwithalacrity.
However,my newjob hadtobe fitted intomy regularroutine. Mystudies
and school had to continue as before, and the delivery business had to be
accommodatedamidstalltheseotheractivities.Amongmysiblingsandcousins,
Ihadshownanearlyaptitudeformathematics.Myfatherhadarrangedformeto
take tuitions from our mathematics teacher. However, my teacher had a
condition that I, along with the four other students whom he had accepted,
neededtoreachhishomeatdawnafterhavingtakenabath.Soforayear,which
wasthedurationofthetuition,Istartedmydaywhileitwasstilldarkoutside,
withmymothershakingmeawake.Sheherselfwouldhaverisenbeforemeand
gotmybathready.Shewouldthenhelpmebatheandsendmeonmywaytomy
teacher'shome.ThereIwouldstudyforanhourandreturnby5a.m.Bythenmy
fatherwouldbereadytotakemetotheArabicSchoolnearby,whereIlearntthe
KoranSharif.
After my lessonon theKoran Sharif wasover, Iwould sprintaway tothe
railwaystation.ThereIwouldwait,hoppingfromonelegtotheother,eyesand
earskeenlyopenforsignsoftheoncomingtrain.Surprisingly,unlikemosttrains
thesedays,theMadras–DhanushkodiMailwasrarelydelayed!Soon,theengine
smoke would be visible in the distance. The hornwould be tooted loudly and
witha thunderous roar, thetrainwouldpass throughthe station.I hadworked
out the best spot from which to keep an eye out for the flying newspaper
bundles.Likeclockwork,theywouldbetossedoutontotheplatform.Thetrain
wouldthenhuffandpuffaway,Samsuddin'spersoninthetrainwouldwaveout
tomeandasthetrainreceded,itswhistlegrowingfaint,myjobwouldbegin.
Ithenpickedupthebundles,dividedthemupintobatchesaccordingtothe
neighbourhoods in which the papers had to be distributed and off I went. For
about an hour I tore around Rameswaram, delivering the papers to everyone.
SoonIbegantoidentifypeoplebythepaperstheyread.Manywouldbewaiting
forme,andtherewouldbealwaysbeafriendlywordortwo.Somewouldtell
metohurrybackhomesoIwouldnotbelateforschool!Ithinkmostenjoyed
beinghandedtheirpapersbyacheerfuleightyearold.
Ourtownbeingontheeastcoast,bythetimetheworkwasoverat8a.m.,
thesunwouldbehighupinthesky.NowIheadedbackhome,wheremymother
waited with breakfast. A simplemeal wouldbe served, but how hungryI was
usually! My mother made sure I ate every morsel before sending me off to
school.Butmyworkdidnotendthere.
Intheevening,afterschoolwasover,IwoulddotheroundsofSamsuddin's
customersagain,collectingdues.ThenIwouldmeethim,sohecouldworkout
theaccountsoftheday.
At that time, sitting somewhere near the sea, with the breeze blowing in,
JalalluddinorSamsuddinwouldfinallyopenuptheday'spaper.Allofuswould
pore over the black type of theDinamani.One of them would read aloud the
newsitems,andslowlythelargeroutsideworldwouldenterourconsciousness.
Gandhi,Congress,Hitler,PeriyarE.V.Ramasamy,theirwordsandexhortations
would hang in the evening air. I would trace the photos and words with my
fingers,wonderingwhatitmustbeliketobeoutthereinthelargerworldwith
allofthem.Maybe,Ithoughttomyself,onedayIwouldgotothebigcitieslike
Madras, Bombay andCalcutta. Whatwould I sayif Iever gotto meet people
likeGandhiandNehru?Butsuchthoughtsweresooninterruptedbythecallsof
myplaymates,andthenfordinner.Therewashomeworktobedone,andeven
aneightyearoldhasonlythatmuchenergytospend.By9p.m.Iwouldbefast
asleep,asthenextdaymorestudiesandthelifeofaworkingmanlayinstore.
Thisroutinecontinuedforaboutayear.Inthatoneyearofrunningaround
withthepapers,Igrewtallerandbrowner.IalsolearntthatIcouldnowjudge
quiteaccuratelythedistancesIcouldcoveratasprintwithabundleofpapersin
myhand,andhencecouldtimemyarrivalatvariouslocalitiesatthesametime
everyday.IcouldcalculateinmyheadtheamountowedtoSamsuddinbyeach
ofhissubscribers,andcouldreeloffthenamesofthosewhohadnotpaidupthat
day.Mostly,Ilearntthattobeaworkingmanmeantyouhadtobeupandready
tofacetheday,whateverelsemayhappentoyou.Homework,tuition,prayers,
allcarriedon,buttheMadras–DhanushkodiMailwouldnotwaitforme—Ihad
tobepresentatthestationatthecorrecttimeandatthecorrectpointtocatchthe
bundles as they came flying in. It was my first brush with taking up a
responsibilityandseeingtoitthatIkeptmywordtomycousinSamsuddin,no
matterwhat.ItwasalsoamostenjoyabletimeandIlovedeverymomentofit,
notwithstandingtheintensetirednesseverynight.Mymotheroftenfrettedatmy
takingupthisadditionalworkandthetollitwastakingonme,butIshookmy
headandsmiledather.Knowingthatmyearningsweresomehowhelpingusall,
andthatshewassecretlyproudofmeforhavingtakenontheroleofaworking
manattheageofeight,keptmegoingwithasmileonmyface.
ychildhoodtownofRameswaramisasmallisland.Itshighestspotisthe
topofahillcalledGandamadanaParvatham.Standingthere,youcouldsee
thewholeofRameswaramstretchedoutaroundyou—lushgreencoconutpalms
swaying everywhere, the sea in the distance and the looming gopuram of the
RamanathaswamyTemplepresidingovertheskyline.Itwasaquiettownthen.
Thepeoplemadetheirlivingfromeitherfishingorcoconutfarming,andfrom
thetourismthatoccurredduetothepresenceofthetemple.Rameswaramisone
of the holiest pilgrimage spots for many Indians, and the town was almost
alwaysfullofpilgrimsandtourists.
The small local population consisted of mostly Hindu households, with a
sprinkling of Muslims like us, and Christians too. Each community lived in
healthy contentment next to the other. The divisions and vicissitudes of the
outside world rarely made their way here. The daily papers brought news of
upheavals and communal fault lines being drawn elsewhere, but here, life
continuedatitsage-oldleisurelypace.
Thisquietharmonyhadbeeninplaceforgenerations.Myfatherlovedtotell
us the story of our great-great-grandfather, who once saved the idol of the
Ramanathaswamy Temple. The story went that on a certain festival day, the
vigraha,oridol,wouldbetakenoutofthesanctumsanctorumandcarriedina
procession around the temple precincts. The temple has a number of tanks
dottingit,andtheidolwastakenaroundtheperipheryofthesetankstoo.During
one such procession, in a sequence of events no one remembers clearly any
more, the vigraha fell into the tank. What a calamity that was! People stood
rootedinhorror,imaginingthewrathofthegodsfallinguponthemverysoon.
One person, however, did not lose his presence of mind—my great-great-
grandfather. He leapt into the tank and retrieved the idol in no time. The
gratitudeofthepriestsandothertempleofficialswasoverwhelming.Yes,hewas
a Muslim. And yes, caste and religious purists would be horrified at the most
sacredelementofthetemplebeinghandledbysomeonenotauthorizedtodoso,
butnoneofthesefeelingswerearticulated.Instead,mygreat-great-grandfather
wastreatedlikeahero.Thetemplealsomadeaproclamationthatfromnowon,
atthefestival,thetemplewouldgiveMudalMarayadaitohim.Thiswasarare
honourforanyone,letaloneforsomeonefromadifferentreligion.Itmeantthat
oneachsuchfestivalday,thetemplewouldfirsthonour,orgivemarayadaito
my great-great-grandfather. Thistradition went on for years and yearsand the
marayadaiwouldbegiventomyfathertoo.
Thissenseofharmonycontinuedintolateryears.LikeIhavementionedin
anotherchapter,myfatherhadaferrybusinessinwhichpilgrimsweretakento
Dhanushkodi.Ourferryservicewasusedbythetempletoo.
My father was the imam of the Rameswaram mosque. He was a deeply
devout man with complete and utter faith in the Koran. He inculcated all the
habitsofagoodMusliminhischildrenandindeedinhisentirefamily.Forthe
peopleofthetown,hewasaphilosopherandguide—someonetheycouldturnto
withtheirproblems,whetherspiritualorotherwise.
One of his closest friends was the priest of the RamanathaswamyTemple,
Pakshi Lakshmana Sastry. Sastrygal was not only the priest but also a very
learned man, well versed in Vedic knowledge. I still remember his visage
perfectly.Hewasalwaysdressedinthetraditionalattireofatemplepriest,inhis
dhoti and angavastram. On his head he sported the mandatory tuft of the
Brahmins,thekudumi.Hewasoneofthekindest,mostgentlemenIknew.
There was a third person who was as important in the spiritual life of our
littlecommunityandthatwasFatherBodal,thepriestofthelonechurchinthe
town.HewasasinvolvedinthewelfareofthechurchgoersofRameswaramas
myfatherandSastrygal,andasconcernedabouttheneedforharmonyandpeace
inRameswaram.
Thememoryofthesethreelearnedmenisstilletchedinmymind.Icanstill
seethem—oneinhisturbanandimam'scloak,anotherinhisdhotiandthethird
in his cassock. They met every Friday evening, at around four-thirty, and
discussedmattersofreligionandthehappeningsofthetown.Sometimespeople
cametovisitthematthattimewithspecificissuestoberesolved,orthethree
men kept each other apprised of anything that could potentially threaten the
peace among the people and together, they tried to workout ways of clearing
miscommunication or scotching rumours before they assumed dangerous
proportions.Thefundamentalrequirementforpeace—effectivecommunication
amongsectionsofthepeople—wasalwayskeptalivebythesethreepatriarchs.
Theirdiscussionsrangedoveranumberoftopics—theFreedomMovementthat
was taking the country in an entirely new direction,the attitude ofthe British
government to the calls of the nationalists and how all this affected us,
concernedthemdeeply.Theyquietlysoothedthesocietyaroundthem,makingit
aharmoniouswholewhereeveryonecouldhaveanopportunitytospeakfreely
tothem.
Oneincidentfrommychildhoodbroughtthisrealityclosetomylife.Iwas
thenabout eight yearsold, andstudyingin the thirdstandard. Mybestfriends
were Ramanadha Sastry, Aravindan and Sivaprakasan. All of them were
Brahmins,andRamanadhan,infact,wasPakshiLakshmanaSastry'sson.Weled
theusuallifeofschoolboys,spendingmostofthedaytogetherintheclassroom
andoutside.Likeallgoodfriends,ourdaywasincompleteif,atanytime,oneof
uswasabsentandwecouldnotsharewitheachothertheminutedetailsofall
thatisimportantforboysofthatage.Intheclassroom,wesatnearoneanother
andRamanadhanandIsharedthesamebench.
BeforeIproceedwiththemainstory,Iwouldliketosketchaportraitofmy
school,whichholdssuchbeautifulmemoriesofdaysofinnocenceandmischief
andlearningforme.ItwascalledtheRameswaramPanchayatPrimarySchool
andIattendeditfrom1936to1944.Itwassituatedneartheseashore,andwas
notthemoststurdybuildingcertainly!Partsofitwerebuiltwithbricksbutthe
roofwasthatched.ButitwastheonlyschoolinRameswaraminthosedaysand
allthechildrenofthetownstudiedthere.Wewere400boysandgirlsintotal.
Yes,thisschoolhadanunimpressivebuildingandscantyamenitiesbutitwasan
interestingplacenonetheless.Theteachers,particularlythosewhotaughthistory,
geography and science,were lovedby thestudents. Why? Becausethey loved
teachingandensuredthateachoneofusexcelledinourstudies.Togiveequal
attentiontothefifty-fivechildrenineachclasscouldnothavebeenaneasytask.
Theydidnotwantustoonlyearngoodmarksinourexams,theyalsowantedus
to develop a love for the subjects they taught us. We saw the light of purity
shininginourteachers.
Evenifonestudentwasabsentforaday,theywouldgototheparentsand
enquireaboutthechild'swelfareandthereasonforhisnotcomingtoschool.If
one of us got high marks, the teacher would be the first person to go to our
homesandsharetheinformationwithourparents.Myschoolwasahappyplace.
Allof uswho started ourschooling there completedourstudies tilltheeighth
standard.Idon'trememberevenasinglepersondroppingout.Thesedays,when
I visit schools, both big and small, all across the country, I tell them thattrue
quality does not come from a great building or great facilities or great
advertisements. It happens when education is imparted with love by great
teachers.
Toreturntomystory,schoolsofthattime,particularlysmalloneslikemine,
didnothaveuniforms.Wewerefreetowearanytraditionalitemsrequired by
our religion. My friend Ramanadhan sporteda tuft, or kudumi, like his father.
(Later,whenhegrewup,hetoobecamethepriestofthetempleafterhisfather.)
Iwenttoschoolwearingmylittlewovenskullcap,likeallMuslimboysofthe
town.Notoncehadanyofuseithernoticedorremarkeduponthis.
Whenwewereinthethirdstandard,therewasagreatexcitementinourlives
—wehadanewteacheratschool.Inasmallself-containedcommunity,thiswas
a matter of much excitement and discussion. We students were agog with
anticipationtoknowwhatournewteacherwouldbelike.Wouldhebestrictor
lenient?Quick-temperedorpatient?Wecouldnotwaitforhimtostartteaching
us.Andthefirstdayhecametotheclassroom,alloureagernessspilledforth.
The teacher was also a Hindu, a Brahmin. As soon as he entered the
classroom, he cast a quick appraising eye over us all, perhaps taking in the
diverseattireofthisbunchofboys.Today,Ithinkhemusthavemissednoticing
the bright eyes and eager smiles of the children—strangely, those are the first
things that strike me when confronted by a roomful of children! But our new
teacherwasquicktogetdowntobusiness.Hewalkedtothefrontoftheclass
andthefirstpeoplehiseyessettledonwereRamanadhanandI.Wewerethestar
pupils, always eager to learn and participate, and sat right in front. His eyes
lingered on my cap and on Ramanadhan's tuft. A look of annoyance, even
disbelief, washed over his face. Without giving any reason, he demanded to
knowmyname.WhenItoldhim,Iwasperemptorilytoldtogathermythings
andmovetothebackrow,forreasonsknownonlytohim.
Ifeltsad,evenhumiliated.Iwonderedwhythishadhappened.Ramanadhan
wasintears.IstillrecallhislargeeyesawashwithtearsasIpickedupmybooks
andmovedawayfromhim.
Butneitherofuswasreadytoletthisgounreported.ThatverydayItoldmy
fatheraboutit,andRamanadhantoldhisfathertoo.Themenwereshockedand
dismayed. This went against everything they had worked for! A teacher, who
wassupposedtobeimpartingknowledgeandopeningupourminds,wasinstead
doingjusttheopposite.Wehadrarelyseenthesetwomild-manneredgentlemen
soagitated.Theyimmediatelyspoketooneanotherandconfirmedthedetailsof
theincident.
ThenextFriday,whenduskwasfalling,theymetasusual.FatherBodalwas
present too. The teacher had been summoned, and presented himself. In the
gatheringdarkness,asdayturnedintonight,myfatherandSastrygaltoldhimin
nouncertaintermsthatthescourgeofreligiousdivisions,whichwasdisturbing
India'sfabricinotherpartsofthecountry,wouldnotbeallowedtogrowhere.
They would not allow children to be segregated; they would certainly not
tolerateanyonewhomadereligionadivisive factor instead of being inclusive;
andtheywouldneverletthisinfectthemindsoftheyoungestmembersofthe
society.
Allofthiswasconveyedtoourteacherwithdignityandcourtesy.Wouldhe
wantto seehimselfasamanofknowledgetowhomthefutureofthecountry
couldbeentrusted,hewasasked.Ourteacherstoodsilent,thinking.Thenfinally
hespoke.Yes,heacknowledged,hehadtriedtoseparatethetwoboys.Andno,
hehad not botheredtothinkthrough the consequencesofhis actions whenhe
did so. This was the way he had seen society being structured around him
always,andhewasjustblindlyfollowingtherules.Noonehadevertaughthim
otherwise,ormadehimseethefutilityofsuchdivisions.Hepromisedtorectify
thewronghehaddonetheverynextday.Andhediddoso.
This was how I had a first-hand experience of the way the three religious
elders settled a matter firmly and openly. They made the problem go away
without letting it grow and fester—the essence of good management in any
situation,Ilaterlearnt.
Itwas alsothe firstglimmerof a thoughtthathas shapedmesince: that it
must always be our inner convictions and strength of beliefs that dictate our
actions.Externalforces,temptationsandcounselswillalwaysbedinnedintous,
butthoseamonguswhocanstanduptowhatweinnatelybelievetobegoodand
rightwillfinallybeatpeacewithourselves.Ourcountryneedscitizenswhotrust
their individuality, who cannot be manipulated by people with unscrupulous
agendas.
Asfarasthefactofmyreligionisconcerned,fromRameswaramIfollowed
mydestinythattookmeintotheworldofscienceandtechnology.Iwasalwaysa
believerinscience,butthespiritualatmosphereofmyyouthhasstayedwithme.
I well understand different points of view, particularly about God. I have read
and assimilated theknowledge contained indifferentreligioustexts—from the
KorantotheGitatotheHolyBible.Togethertheyhavemademeaproductof
thisuniquelandofours,asyncreticcreationofthebestofourdiversetraditions.
AndifeverIamaskedwhatitisliketobeaMusliminthiscountry,Icanpoint
to the people I grew up with—my father, Sastrygal and Father Bodal, indeed
many others like them whom I met later—who have upheld the religious and
moralstandardsofournation.Intheirownwaystheyhavecontributedtomake
ours a country we can justly proclaim to be a multi-religious, multi-ethnic
nation, where there is space for each of us to breathe. Yes, we have deep
problems and fissures being created daily, but if the generations to come
remember the stories of people like my great-great-grandfather and the imam
and priests of the Rameswaram of long ago, I am sure we will continue to
surviveandthriveasaseculardemocracyforever.
anyyearsago,Iwroteapoemcalled'MyMother',whichbeganwiththese
lines:
Seawaves,goldensand,pilgrims'faith,
RameswaramMosqueStreet,allmergeintoone,
MyMother!
My growing up years, which I now remember with such nostalgia, are
suffused with the memory of Rameswaram, andthe two people who were the
centreofmyworldthen—myfatherandmother.Ourswasamiddle-classfamily.
My father had his own small businessbesides beingthe imamof the mosque.
Mymother,Ashiamma,camefromafamily,oneofwhomhadsometimeinthe
pastbeengiventhetitleof'Bahadur'bytheBritish.
My mother was a gentle, down-to-earth, pious woman. She was a devout
Muslim, like my father, and when I think of her I cannot but remember her
sayinghernamazfivetimesaday,bendingandpraying,thelookonherfaceone
ofextremedevotionandpeacefulness.Shehadalargefamilytolookafterand
thatwaswheremostofherenergywent.Ourfamilyconsistedofmysiblingsand
I,aswellasourrelatives,likemygrandparentsandmyuncles,allofwholived
inthesamehouse.Providingforeveryonewasalwaysastretchontheresources.
Itwasnotatimeofplentyforanyone,leastofallforus.Wehadagoodsteady
income from my father's businesses—his coconutgroves and ferry business—
butthatjustaboutcoveredourexpenses,andtherewasneveranyquestionabout
indulginginluxuries.
Inthesecircumstances,mymotherremainedtheidealpartnerformyfather.
Shesavedandunderstood frugality, yet therewas never a traceof irritation or
angerinheraboutthewayoflifethatweled.Almostdaily,notonlywerethe
manymembersofthefamilyfedandlookedaftersatisfactorily,weusuallyhad
umpteenpeopledropbywhowouldbetoldtostaybackandeatwithus.Now
thatIthinkaboutit,Ifeelthatshecookedandservedforasmany—ifnotmore
—guests as there were members of the household. Yet, this was accepted as
normal,andnoonereallyremarkedonitorthoughtmuchaboutit.Suchwasthe
Indianconceptofhospitalityonceuponatime.
Mine was a happy, secure childhood. One of my earliest memories is of
eating with my mother, sitting on the kitchen floor. We ate off banana leaves.
Rice,aromaticsambar,homemadepicklesandcoconutchutneywerethestaple
foods. Her cooking was deceptively simple and till today, I have not eaten
sambarthatbalancesthetartandthespicytastesasdelicatelyashersdid.Itis
againinconnectionwithfoodthatanotheranecdotefrommychildhoodcomes
tome.
During the World War II years, food was being rationed and there was a
generalshortageofnearlyeverything.Mymotherandgrandmotherdidtheirbest
totideoverthosedays,stretchingthesuppliesasmuchastheycould,cuttingout
anywastage,oftenreducingtheportionsontheirplatessothatthechildrenhad
enoughtoeat.Oneday,mymotherhadmadechapattisinsteadofrice.Isatat
my place on the floor and ate with great relish as she rolled out one fresh
chapattiafteranother.TheykeptcomingandIkepteating.Iwasahungrylittle
boyafterall.WhenIhadfinallyhadmyfill,Ipickedupmybananaleafplate
andwalkedawaytowashup.Laterthatnight,myelderbrothertookmeaside
andscoldedmeforthefirsttime.'Howcouldyoubesoblind,Abdul?'hestarted.
AtfirstIhadnoideawhyIwasbeingpulledup.Istareduncomprehendingly
at him. Then he softened and explained, 'Did you not notice that there is just
enoughforallofustoeattwo–threechapattiseach?Ammawillneversaynoto
you,butbecauseyoukepteating,shekeptservingyou,andtonightshewillgo
hungry,becausenowthereisnothingleftforhertoeat.'
That moment of shame,of heartbreakfor my beloved mother, who looked
frail,yetwasthetoughestwomanIknew,brokemyheart.Icriedtomyself,too
mortified to show my face to anyone, and it was only after a few days that I
couldbringmyselftolookherinthefaceagain.Whatalessonthatwasforme
toneverforgettheneedsof those aroundme! Herlove droveher toshareher
food with me without a second thought, and after my brother showed me the
truth, I could never again eat without making sure there was enough to go
around—especiallyformymotherandgrandmother.
Ilefthomefairlyearlyinlife,asIwantedtopursuemystudiesinadifferent,
largertown.Asaresult,Icouldnotremainmymother'slittleboyfortoolong,
unlike many of my friends. But her generosity and caring spirit stayed in my
heartalways.
Again,during the WorldWarIIyears, when Iwas abouteightyearsold, I
havedescribedhowItookthejobofanewspaperdeliveryboy.Mydaybegan
well before dawn, when I had to go for my tuitions, my Koran class, do my
newspaper rounds, go to school and then return home well into the evening,
whenIhadtostudyforthenextday.Inallthis,mymotherstoodbymelikea
rock.Earlyinthemorning,shewouldwakeupwellbeforeme,drawthewater
formybathandthencallme.Mymothersawmeoffandwouldbewaitingfor
metocomebackanhourortwolater,whenIwouldhavetogowithmyfatherto
the Arabic School for my Holy Koran lessons. As I went from place to place
duringthedaytime,allIhadtimeforwerethemealsthatwouldbelaidoutfor
mepromptly.Iknewthatmanytimesmymotherdecreasedherownsharesothat
Icouldhaveenough.WhenIoncequestionedher,sheonlysmiledandsaid,'You
areagrowingchild.Youhavesomuchtodoallthroughtheday.Thisiswhat
mothers look out for, don't worry about me.' In the evenings when I returned
homehungryandtired,she would again help meclean up and preparefor the
nextday.
Amongallmysiblings,Iwasalwaysgivenprecedenceintakingaplaceby
her.Once,IrememberIfellasleepwithmyheadinherlap.Shesatquietly,her
handssoftlycaressingmyhairandcheeks,hertouchthemostpreciousbalmfor
mytiredness.Unknowntome,fromsomewheredeepwithin,tearssprangupin
myheart. Before Icould stopthem,they started flowing down.Myeyes were
stillclosed,yet the tears ran. Theydroppedontomyfoldedkneesandseeped
intomymother'ssari.Butshedidnotstophercaresses.Sheknewexactlywhat
wasgivingrisetothosetears—theextremetirednessofaboysuddenlytryingto
be a man. Her fingers ran tenderly through my hair, comforting, soothing and
understanding.
This simple lady, born and raised in a small southern Indian town, was
perhapslikemanyothermothersinourlandandbeyond.Shedidnotstepoutof
thehouseandtakepartintheaffairsofthetown.Shedidnotmakeacareerin
thewaywethinkofitnowadays.Herrealmofworkremainedthehomeandthe
family. Yet, within that, she served everyone and God with utmost devotion,
selflessnessandpiety.ItisthislessonthatIhavecarriedfromherlife—thatit
doesnotmatterhowlargeorsmallyoursphereofactivityis,whatcountsfinally
isthecommitmentthatyoubringtothejobthathasbeenordainedforyouinthis
life.
My father lived to the age of 102. When he passed away, he left behind a
familythatincludedfifteengrandchildren.Hispassingawayaffectedmedeeply.
IcamehomefrommyworkatThumbaandsatbymymotherforalongtime.
When I had to leave, she blessed me in a choked voice. I was in the thick of
buildingtheSLV-3rocket,andworkbeckonedme.Sheneveronceaskedmeto
stayback.ShouldIhavedoneso?ShouldInothavebeensopreoccupiedwith
my work, and instead spent time with this old lady, who I was never to see
again?Ihaveaskedmyselfthis,anddonothaveananswer.Mymotherpassed
awaysoonaftermyfatherdid.Itwasperhapsfittingthatshewouldnotlivelong
alone,withoutthemanwhosesideshehadneverleftforovereightyyears.
AfterIreceivedthenewsofherpassing,asImademywaytoRameswaram,
memoriesofherassailedme.The two people who hadcreated me, not justas
their child, but moulded my thoughts and personality, were now no more. I
wouldhavetoliveouttherestofmylifewithouttheirguidance.ButIknewone
couldnothavelivedlongwithouttheother,andthatiswhatcomfortedmeasI
returned to the mosque where I had learnt to pray with my father. The azaan
fromthatmosqueonceusedtobringallofustogether—ourparentsleadingall
thechildrenintheprayers.Nowitisasweetreminderofabeautifulchildhood,
ofparentslosttotime,ofamotherwhounderstoodherboy'sdeepestfeelings,
eveniftheyremainedburiedinhisheart.
♦
MySisterZohra
OurswasalargefamilyandIwasoneoftensiblings.Besidesmyownbrothers
andsisters,cousinsandchildrenofdistantrelativeswerealwayspresentinthe
house and we grew up never knowing the meaning of boredom. There was
alwaysatreetoclimb,agametoplayoranexcursiontoplan.Wewereahappy
bunch of children—squabbling and then makingup, sometimes being naughty
andalwaysreadytohelpeachotherout.
Mysister,Zohra,wasoneoftheolderchildren.Shegrewupasmanygirlsin
hercircumstancesdid.Shewenttoschoolandstudied,butshewasalsoexpected
to help as much as possible around the house. In fact, she was perhaps my
mother'sclosestcompanion.Thebondofmotheranddaughterchangedintothat
of friendship asthey toiled forthe family, cookingand cleaning,looking after
the young ones, tending to their scraped knees and dripping noses. Like my
mother,she,too,hadasoftspotforme.ItwasperhapsbecauseIwasabitofa
dreamer even then. I was not as boisterous as my companions, and often
preferred tocurl up witha paper or a book, rather than plan a prank withthe
other boys. Zohra looked out for me as much as she could so that the soft
innocenceofherlittlebrotherwasnotdestroyed.
When I was quite young, a cousin called Ahmed Jalalluddin entered our
lives.Hecamelikeabreathoffreshairtothetinycommunity.Hehadstudied
uptomiddlegrade,couldreadandwriteEnglish,andmorethanthat,hisvision
oflifewasopenandlarge,readytolookbeyondtheshoresofRameswaram.He
stayedclosebyandbecameapartofthedailylifeofthefamilyveryquickly.
Jalalluddintookagreatlikingtome.Heindulgedmycuriositiesanddidhis
besttofindanswerstothequestionsIasked.Iwasalwaysfullofquestionsabout
thethingsIsawaroundme—whydobirdsfly,howisraincreated,howdotrain
enginesworkandmanymoresuchthings.JalalluddinrecognizedthefactthatI
would soon outgrowthe schoolin Rameswaram.He discussed withmy father
the need to send me to Ramanathapuram, where there was a bigger, better
school.
My life took its course, and after completing my schooling at
Ramanathapuram, I decided to move to Madras (now Chennai) to study
engineering at the Madras Institute of Technology (MIT). In the intervening
years, Zohra had married Jalalluddin. The two of them were the biggest
supportersofmydreamsandambitions.ZohrawasdeterminedthatIgivewings
to my aspirations and Jalalluddin remained my mentor. Yet, our financial
situationremainedthesame.Ourhouseholdwasstilldependentontheearnings
fromthebusinessesstartedbymyfather.Howcouldtheyaffordtopaythesum
of 600thatwastheadmissionfeeatMIT?Whiletoday this mayseemlikea
verysmallamount,atthetime,forus,itwasequivalenttonearlyalakhrupees.
ThatwaswhenIsawthetruegritinmysister.Nothingwouldstopherlittle
brother,shetoldherhusband.Myparentshadsavedandgotsomepiecesofgold
jewellery made for her. Traditionally, in Indian households, the women may
wearthejewelleryoncertainoccasions,butmanyalsousethemasasafeguard
—a kind of insurance policy for rainy days when there are unexpected cash
requirements. Without a moment's further thought, and not worrying that the
jewellerymayonedaybeneededforherownfamily,forshewasnowamarried
woman, Zohra announced that she would use the pieces as guarantee with a
moneylenderandborrowthesumrequiredformyadmission.
Iwasdeeplytouchedbyhergesture.Itwasoneofthemostselflessthings
anyonehadeverdoneforme.AtthetimeofneedZohrahadthesolutiontothe
problem, and she gave what she could with a full heart. She knew that her
brotherwouldworkhard.Shekeptfaithinmyabilities—thatIwouldqualifyas
anengineer.Hergoldbanglesandchainweremortgaged,themoneycameandI
wasadmittedtoMIT.Ivowedatthetimetoreleaseherjewelleryfrommortgage
assoonasIstartedearning.Ieventuallydiddosobystudyinghardandearning
ascholarship.
Like my mother, Zohra lived out her life in Rameswaram. She was as
efficient,cheerfulanduprightasherandthetwoofthemtogethersymbolizefor
me the resilience and resourcefulness of the ordinary Indian woman. This
womanisapersonwhocannotbecoweddowntoolongbyhercircumstances.
Often,shegoesthroughlifewithoutrecognizingherowndreamsandambitions.
Many times she thinks of the ambitions of her husband, or the welfare and
progressofherchildren.Shewill think of her father, brothers, sisters first and
place herself behind everyone else. Where are her own dreams, I wonder?
Destiny,tradition,situationswilltestheragainandagain.Shewillhavetoworry
andcompromise,saveandinnovate.Yet,shewillfindawaytoguideherfamily
andherdearonesoutofanycrisis,andshewilldosowithsuchlovethatitwill
inundateyourheart.
few remarkable people have appeared at critical times in my life and
proceededto mouldorreorientmywaysofthinking;sometimestheyhave
evenchangedthecourseofmylife.TothesementorsIamalwaysgratefuland
rememberthemmoreandmoreeachday.Now,ifIcouldhaveallthetimeinthe
world,IknowwhatIwoulddo;Iwouldspendtimeinrememberingthesepeople
whoshapedmylife.Theyarelikethesunthatwarmsthefaceandthewindsthat
embrace.OnesuchpersoninmylifewasAhmedJalalluddin.
When I was still ayoung boy,my fatherdecided to build a boatto starta
ferrybusiness.Iwasfascinatedwiththewaytheboatwastakingshape.Aseach
plank of wood was slotted into its place and the outline of the boat became
clearer,Ifounditharderandhardertotearmyselfawayfromthatplacebythe
beach where the boat was being built. Jalalluddin, who also lived in
Rameswaramandwouldhelpmyfather,wasthefirsttonoticemyinterestinthe
boat. Unlike the other adults, who were too busy going about their work, he
would spend some time chatting with me every day. We would talk about the
boat,howitshouldbebuiltandpaintedandalltheworkthatstillneededtoget
doneonit.Fromthereanunusualfriendshipgrewbetweenme—alittleboy—
and Jalalluddin—a much older, wiser person, who was fifteen years senior to
me.
Ourconversationsgraduallytookotherturns.Asdaysturnedintoyearsand
both of us grew older, Jalalluddin became my brother-in-law—he married my
sister Zohra. Our relationship took on more depth. What I remember most
distinctlyfromthetimeareourwalksaroundRameswaramtown.Wewouldset
out almost every evening starting from Mosque Street, where our house was
located,andwalktowardstheshoreofthesea.Thetownwouldbebusyatthe
time, with pilgrims making their way to and from the temple. Our first halt
would be the Shiva temple, where our steps would fall in with those making
theircircumambulations.Astheysaidtheirprayers,somewouldbekneelingand
touching the ground after every few steps, while others would be helping old
parentsorrelativesperformthepilgrimage.Amongstthesepeople,ourthoughts,
too,would turntowardsspiritualmatters,andourconversationwouldoftenbe
aboutGod.
Jalalluddin'srelationshipwithGodwasslightlydifferentfromtheoneIwas
usedtoseeinginmyfather.Myfatherwasapiousmanwhofollowedeveryrule
ofworship—notjustoutwardlybutasadeeplyfeltneedwithinhim.Sayingthe
namaz and every other form of prayer was as much a part of his being as
breathingoreating.Jalalluddin,too,wasadevoutman.However,forhim,God
was almost like a friend. He talked to God, and presented all his problems to
Himinthe way onedoes toalivingentity. For him, itwas inconceivablethat
God would not present a solution if Jalalluddin spoke about his dilemmas to
Him.AswemadeourwaywiththepilgrimsandIwatchedthemperformtheir
rituals,andlistenedtoJalalluddinatthesametime,inmymindthesetwofaiths
meldedintoone.WasitpossiblethatinthissereneatmosphereofRameswaram
theprayersofsomanyofthefaithful,utteredindifferenttonguesandbornfrom
variousbeliefs,werereachingdifferentgods? Itcouldnotbe.Iwasconvinced
thattheonewhoheard everyone out wasa common entity. But Ialso secretly
wondered if my friend had a special connection that allowed him to see God
everywhere,anditwasthatwhichlethimspeaksofreelytoHim.
Jalalluddinwasnotveryhighlyeducated.Hehadbeenabletocompletehis
educationtilltheeighthstandardonly,ashehadhadtostartworkinginorderto
earnforhisfamily.ButhewasalsoamongthefewinRameswaramwithsome
knowledge of the English language. He could read and write English, and
therefore,wasingreatdemandamongtheresidentstowritetheirapplicationsor
any other official letters. Seeing the respect with which he was treated by the
townspeople,Itoowantedtobelikehimandstudyasmuchaspossible.Onhis
part, perhaps it was because of his slightly better educational background that
Jalalluddinwasamongthefirstpeopletonoticetheimmensecuriosityandthirst
forknowledgethatflowedwithinme.InthosedaysIhadaninsatiableinterestto
learn more about everything, and it was my brother-in-law who indulged my
questions.Ipliedhimwithmoreandmorequeriesandhewouldanswermeas
patiently as he could and with as much knowledge as he had gathered. He
opened my eyes when he talked about so many things that lay outside the
purview of our daily lives—nature, space, scientific discoveries, books and
famouspeople.
I have often pondered the question: what creates our personalities? How
muchdoestheenvironmentplayapartandhowmuchofitisinborn?IfIlook
backatmylife,Icanputafingeronspecificqualitiesthatweretransmittedto
mefromthoseclosesttome.FrommyparentsIlearnthonesty,self-discipline,
faith and kindness. And from my closest friends—Jalalluddin and my other
cousin, Samsuddin—I learnt to recognize the fact that every human carries
somethingspecialwithinhimself.Thesemenweretheoneswhosawasparkin
meand encouragedandnurturedme.Theywerenotsophisticated;rather, they
had a direct, intuitive approach to life. They often knew my questions and
ambitionsevenbeforeIhadbeenabletoarticulatethemtomyownself.They
couldthendrawtheseoutfromwithinmeandhelpmesetmylife'sgoals.
AsIgrewup,Jalalluddinwasamongthefirsttoencouragemetobreakaway
fromtheconfinesofRameswaram.WhenIwantedtocontinuemystudiesina
biggerschoolinadifferenttown,hewastheonewhomadethearrangements,
travelled with me to Ramanathapuram and saw me settled into the Schwartz
HighSchoolthere.ForaboywhohadnotknownlifeoutsidetheplacewhereI
hadgrownup,evenRamanathapuramwasabigchange.Imissedmyfamily,my
familiar surroundings, my mother and her cooking. At that time it was
Jalalluddinwhoinstilledinmethepowerofpositivethinking.Hewouldtellme
thatIneededtocontroltheseemotionsinordertofulfilmydesiresforabetter
education.WheneverIfelthomesick and sad, Ithought of himand his words,
and theygave me the courage Ineeded toplunge into the unfamiliar lifeof a
pupillivinginaboardingschool.
Ateverystageofmylife,tillIbecameanadultintherealsenseoftheword
—someonewhoisincontrolofhisownactions—thismanwalkedwithme.He
pickedme upwhenIfaltered,encouragedmewhenIfeltIcouldnotcarryon
andstoodbymeasItookmyfirsttentativestepsintheoutsideworld.HowcanI
forget the day when he and Samsuddin accompanied me to Bombay (now
Mumbai),toSantaCruzairport,becauseIwasgoingtodosomethingnoonehad
imaginedeventwentyyearsearlierinRameswaram—IwasgoingtotheUS,to
NASA,onasix-monthtrainingprogramme.Ihadbecomeanengineerbythen
andhad been acceptedasa rocket engineerbythe Indian NationalCommittee
forSpaceResearch(INCOSPAR)whoweresendingmetotheUnitedStates.
JalalluddinandSamsuddinsawmeoffatSantaCruzairport.Mytrepidation
abouttravellingabroadwasreflectedin their anxiety aboutbeing in a bigcity
like Bombay. Yet, they carried their dignity upon them like a mantle. I recall
seeingthemattheairportgate, andfeelingtheirpositivityandoptimismreach
me in waves. They were men who saw only the good in me and had implicit
faithinmyfollowingthecorrectpathalways.Standingthere,Iwasovercomeby
mysentimentsandmyloveforthemandtearsfilledmyeyes.Throughthemist
ofthetearsIheldontothem,andJalalluddinsaidtome,'Abdul,wehavealways
lovedyou,andwebelieveinyou.Weshallalwaysbeproudofyou.'HowcanI
everforgetthosewordsofencouragement?
InowthinkthatJalalluddinnotonlyheldmyhandsandtaughtmetowalk
tallinthisworld,healsotaughtmehowtolive.Igrewintoamanwithmyown
ideas and creative thought processes under his influence—an influence that
remainedwithmeevenwhenI moved far awayfrom him and myfamily, and
mademywayintheworld.And,ifhetaughtmethewaysoflife,howcouldit
bethathewouldnotteachmetheharshest,yetmostconstantfactoflife—death.
While I was working on the SLV-3 rocket project for the Indian Space
Research Organisation (ISRO), news came to me one day that my brother-in-
law,myfriendandguide,wasnomore.Itwasadeepshockforme.Jalalluddin
wasnotoftheageforthis.WhenIgotthenewsIwasdumbstruck.Howcould
thishavehappened?Howcouldweallbealive,andthismanbenomore?Inmy
shockIrememberspeakingwordsthatmadelittlesense.Icouldnotthink,feel
ormoveforatime.FinallyIgatheredmyselftogether,andleavinginstructions
withmycolleague,ImadepreparationstoleaveforRameswaram.
AsItravelledback home, in busesthat wheezed and groanedon the inter-
cityroads,buffetedbypeopleandthewindblowinginfromtheopenwindows,
amidst the chatter of fellow travellers, I felt myself to be completely alone.
Perhaps there comes a time in each of our lives when we finally leave our
childhoodselvesbehind—andthiswasmine.WithJalalluddin,apartofmealso
passed away. Gone forever was the boy who needed to be guided, who asked
questionsbythedozenandwhoknewthatwhateverhedid,therewasapairof
lovinghandsalwaysreadytoholdhisownhandsandguidehim.WhenIclosed
myeyes,imagesfromlongagoflashedby—ofleavingforRamanathapuram,of
Jalalluddinarrangingthemoneytobuymybooks,ofhimstandingatSantaCruz
airport, tears glistening in his eyes—tears of unbearable pride that can be felt
onlybythosewhohavetrulylovedandbroughtupachild.Isawhimwalking
with me on the sandy shores of our little town, pointing out the stars and the
moon,explainingwherethesunwentwhenitfinallysankintothesea.
Ireachedhometofindmysistergrievingpiteously.Withherwasmylittle
nieceMehboob,herfathergonewellbeforehistime.Imetmyfather,whowas
nowahundredyearsold,andyet,forthefirsttime,Ifeltthathehadreallyaged.
Thegriefoflosinghisson-in-lawseemedtohaveshiftedsomethingwithinhim.
Weputourdearfriendandsontorest.AndthewholetimeIcouldnotfindthe
tearstoshedathisgoing.ItwasasifIwaswalkinginadaze,throughafogof
memories.
Aftertheburial,myfather,thatmostperceptiveofmeneveninhisgreatold
age,heldmyhandsandsatmebesidehim.ForthefirsttimeInoticedthathe,
too, had not shed tears. He said to me, 'Abdul, do you not see how the Lord
strengthens the shadows? Had it been His will, He could have made them
constant.ButHemakesthesuntheirguide,littlebylittleHeshortensthem.He
hasmadethenightforustorest,andhassentJalalluddinintoalongsleep—a
dreamlesssleep,acompleterestofallhisbeingwithinsimpleunconsciousness.
NothinghappensthathasnotbeenordainedbyAllahandinHimwewillhaveto
keepourtrustandfaith.'
Isatbackandreflectedonmyfather'swisewords.Deathisnotsomethingto
be afraid of, and I have never seen it that way. Yet, the sadness that it brings
cannotbeshruggedaway.Wewillgowhenourtimewillcome,butwhensome
of us go earlier than the others, like Jalalluddin, who did not live to see his
childrengrowintoadults,whodidnotgettoseethemmarriedorplayedwithhis
grandchildren,thesadnessthatwellsupwithintheheartisarealitythatonehas
togoonlivingwith.
MyfriendAhmedJalalluddinwasanordinarymanformany.Butmyfriend
and mentor Ahmed Jalalluddin was also a remarkable man. He brought about
changeand shapedthemindsofthosearoundhimwiththesheerpowerofhis
love,simplicityandunderstanding.Therearesuchremarkablemenineverycity
andvillageinthiscountry.IwasluckythatIfoundhimsoneartomeandthathe
chose to grasp my hands when he did in order to make me the man I would
becomeoneday.
n my life, which has been long and eventful, I have seen great heights of
success.Ihavebeenpartofventuresthathavecontributedtothegrowthofour
nation in the field of science and technology; I have also had the privilege of
occupying the highest office in the country. There are many achievements to
lookbackupon—someofmyowndoingandsomewhereIhadtheprivilegeto
be part of teams, which were immensely talented. Yet, I firmly believe that
unless one has tasted the bitter pill of failure, one cannot aspire enough for
success.Ihaveseenbothsidesofthecoinandhavelearntlife'stoughestlessons
when I have stared into the pit of despair that failure brings with it. These
lessons are well worth recounting and remembering, as they have helped me
workmywaythroughmanydifficultsituations.
One of the earliest such episodes from my life happened when I was a
studentofaeronauticsatMIT.MydesignteachertherewasProfessorSrinivasan,
whowasalsotheheadofthe institute.Once,wewere placedinteamsoffour
students each, andour teamhad to designa low-levelattack aircraft. Iwas in
charge of coming up with the aerodynamic design. We worked very hard for
weeks. My teammates were designing all the other components, like the
propulsion,structure,controlandinstrumentation.Sinceourothercoursework
wasoveratthetime,wespentlonghoursdiscussingourideasandresearching
them.Wewereallkeentoimpressourprofessorswithourproject.Theykeptan
eyeontheprogressandafterafewdays,ProfessorSrinivasanaskedtoseethe
design I had created. When I showed it to him, he examined it with his
characteristic critical eye. I stood by, waiting with bated breath to hear his
verdict.Istillrememberthewayhiseyebrowscrinkledashelookedatthepaper
spreadoutinfrontofhim.Thenhestraightenedupandhisnextwordsstunned
me.'Thisisjustnotgoodenough,Kalam,'hesaid.Heturnedsterneyesonme
andcontinued,'Iexpectedmuchbetterfromyou.ThisisdismalworkandIam
disappointedthatsomeonewithyourtalenthascomeupwithworklikethis.'I
stared at the professor, dumbfounded. I had always been the star pupil in any
classandhadnevereverbeenpulledupbyateacherforanything.Thisfeeling
ofembarrassmentandshamewasanewexperienceforme,andIdidnotlikeit
onebit.TheprofessorshookhisheadsomemoreandtoldmethatIhadtoredo
the entire design, starting from scratch and rethinking all my assumptions. I
agreedshamefacedly.Thenhebrokethenextbadnews.NotonlywasIsupposed
todotheworkagain,Ihadtofinishitinthreedays!'TodayisFridayafternoon,
youngman.IwanttoseeaflawlessconfigurationdrawingbyMondayevening.
Ifyou areunabletodoso, yourscholarshipwillbestopped.'Iwasevenmore
dumbfounded now. The scholarship was the only way I could afford to be in
college. Without it I would have to stop my studies. My own ambitions, the
dreams of my parents, my sister and Jalalluddin flashed before my eyes and
seemedtorecedetoadistance.Itwasunthinkablethatthefuturecouldturnso
bleakwithafewwordsspokenbymyprofessor.
Igottoworkrightaway,determinedtoprovemyself.Iskippeddinnerand
remainedatthedrawingboardthroughthenight.Whereearlierthecomponents
ofmydesignwere floating in my head,now they suddenlycame together and
took on forms and shapes I could work with. The concentrated work I put in
seemedtobrushawayallthecobwebsofthemind.Bythenextmorning,Iwas
working like aman possessed. Itook ashort break toeat andfreshen up, and
wentbacktoworkagain.BySundayevening,myworkwasnearlycomplete—
anelegant,neatdesignthatIwasproudof.WhileIwasputtingmyfinaltouches
toit, Isensed a presencein the room.It was theprofessor, stilldressedin his
tennis whites, on his way back from the club. I didn't know how long he had
beenstandingthere,watchingme.Now,asoureyesmet,hecameforward.He
looked critically at my work for many minutes. Then he straightened up and
smiled.Tomyamazement,hehuggedmeaffectionately.Thenpattingmeonthe
back,hesaid,'IknewIwasputtingyouunderimmensepressurewhenIrejected
yourworktheotherday.Isetanimpossibledeadline—yetyouhavemetitwith
workthatIcanonlycalloutstanding.Asyourteacher,Ihadtopushyoutoyour
limits sothat you could recognize your own truepotential.' After twodays of
extreme dejection, those words were music to my ears and revived my
confidenceandself-belief.
ThatdayIlearnttwolessons:ateacherwhohashisorherstudent'sprogress
inmindisthebestpossiblefriend,becausetheteacherknowshowtomakesure
thatyouexcel.Andsecond,thereisnosuchthingasanimpossibledeadline.I
haveworkedonmanytoughassignments,someofwhichhadthecountry'stop
leaderswatchingovermywork,buttheassuranceIgainedinmycapabilitiesat
MITthankstoProfessorSrinivasan,helpedmelaterinlifetoo.
After MIT, I started my working life. Little did I know that even tougher
lessonsweretofollow.IwenttoworkatHindustanAeronauticsLimited(HAL)
inBangalore.ThereIlearntalotaboutaircraftandtheirdesignandtechnology.
BynowIwasverysurethatIwantedacareerinflying.WhenIemergedasa
graduateaeronauticalengineerfromHAL,Igottwojobopportunities.Onewas
in the air force and another at the Directorate of Technical Development and
Production(DTD&P[Air])attheMinistryofDefence.Ireceivedinterviewcalls
fromboth.ThefirstwasinDehraDunandthesecondinDelhi.Isetforthwith
greathopeinmyheart.
My first close sight of an aircraft had been at MIT, where two
decommissionedaircraftwerekeptforthedemonstrationofvarioussubsystems
tothestudents.Theyhadheldaspecialfascinationforme,andIwasdrawnto
themagainandagain.Theyrepresentedformeman'sabilitytothinkbeyondhis
boundaries,andtogivewingstodreams.Ihadchosenaeronauticalengineering
asmyareaofstudybecauseofmyfascinationforflying.OvertheyearsIhad
nurtured the hope to be able to fly; to handle a machine as it rose higher and
higherinthestratospherewasmydearestdream.
AsImademywayfromMadrastonorthIndiafortheinterviews,Iplayed
this dream over and over again in my mind. I was finally on the threshold of
becomingapilot!ThejourneyfromTamilNadutoDehraDunwasalongone—
notjustgeographicallybutalsointermsofthedistanceIwouldtravelfrommy
humbleoriginstotheprizethatlayinthefoothillsoftheHimalayas—aplacein
theairforceasapilot.
IfirsthaltedinDelhiformyinterviewatDTD&P.Iwasconfidentandthe
interview was an easy one, not requiring me to push the boundaries of my
knowledgetoofar.IspentaweekinDelhiandthenproceededtoDehraDunfor
myinterviewattheAirForceSelectionBoard.Here,Ishouldmentionthatatthe
time,asayoungmaninmyearlytwenties,Iwasjustbeginningtounderstand
how to conduct myself in the wider world. When I had first moved from
Rameswaramtothebiggercitiesformystudies,Iwasashy,tongue-tiedboy.I
hadtoworkhardtodevelopsomeassertivenessinmypersonality.Ididthisby
trying to communicate with different people from allkinds of backgrounds. It
wasnoteasyandthereweremanymomentsoffrustrationanddisappointment.
However,bythetimeIfinishedmystudiesandheadedouttolookforajob,my
personalitywasbetterdevelopedandIwasabletoarticulatemythoughtswell
enoughinEnglishandTamil.
To return to my interview at the Air Force Selection Board, as I started
answeringthe queries putforthto me, Irealizedthat along withqualifications
and engineering knowledge, they were also looking for a certain kind of
'smartness'inthecandidate.Physicalfitnessandanarticulatemannerwerewhat
theywereseeking.Igaveitmybest.Ihad wanted this job for so longand so
deeplythatIwasdeterminedyetanxious,confidentandatthesametimetense.
Finallytheresultswereannounced.Ihadstoodninthinabatchoftwenty-five.
There were only eight places available. I had failed to realize my dream of
becominganairforcepilot.
IstillremembertheacheinmyheartasIattemptedtomakesenseofwhat
had happened. When a dearly held desire begins to break up, one can feel
nothingbutdespairandemptinessasonetriestocometotermswiththeendofa
dream.Icouldnotbeartobeindoorsafterseeingtheresult.Ihadtogooutfor
air and be in the open, because all around me the walls seemed to close in. I
walkedaroundforawhiletillIreachedtheedgeofacliff.Istoodtherelooking
downattheshimmeringwatersofalakeandwonderedwhatIshoulddonext.
Plans needed to be changed and priorities reassessed. I decided to go to
Rishikeshforafewdaysandseekanewwayforward.
IreachedRishikeshthenextmorning.Itookadipin theGanga—ariverI
hadheardsomuchabout,butwasseeingandexperiencingforthefirsttimein
mylife.IhadbeentoldabouttheSivanandaAshramthatwaslocatedalittleway
up a hill. I walked there. As I entered I felt a strange vibration, a sense of
tranquility that was like a balm for my restless soul. Sadhus were seated all
around, deep in meditation. I hoped that one among them would be able to
answerthequestionsthattroubledmeandsoothemyworries.Iwasgrantedan
audiencewithSwamiSivanandahimself.MybeingaMuslimdidnotaffecthim
in any way. Instead, before I could speak, he asked what had filled me with
sorrow. I only fleetingly wondered how he knew about my sadness before I
embarkedonanexplanationoftherecentdevelopmentsinmylife.Helistened
calmlyandthenwashedawaymyanxietieswithasmileofdeeppeacefulness.
HisnextwordsweresomeofthemostprofoundIhadeverheard.Hisfeebleyet
deepvoicestillresonateswhenIthinkofthem:
'Accept your destiny and go ahead with your life. You are not destined to
becomeanairforcepilot.Whatyouaredestinedtobecomeisnotrevealednow
butitispredetermined.Forgetthisfailure,asitwasessentialtoleadyoutoyour
destined path. Search, instead, for the true purpose of your existence…
SurrenderyourselftothewishofGod.'
Thatlesson made adeepimpression on mymind.Truly, whyfightagainst
destiny?Thisfailure,Iwassure,waspartofalargerplanthatGodhadforme.I
ruminatedlongaboutthisasIwentbacktoDelhi.There,IfoundthatIhadbeen
acceptedasseniorscientificassistantatDTD&P.Igaveupmydreamofmaking
acareeroutofflying.Iunderstoodnowthattherewasplentyofotherworktobe
done,andIwasgoingtoputmyheartandsoulintothejobthathadbeengiven
tome.
InthiswayIstartedmyworkinglife.Likeme,Iamsurealmosteveryperson
who sets out with a goal has had to face unexpected obstacles. We've had to
rethinkourgoals,reorientourpaths.Eachsetbackteachesusanewfacetoflife
andsomethingaboutourownpersonalities.Whenwetackleobstacles,wefind
hidden reserves of courage and resilience we did not know we had. And it is
only when we are faced with failure do we realize that these resources were
alwaystherewithinus.Weonlyneedtofindthemandmoveonwithourlives.
henever I talk to theyouth anywherein India,I aminvariably asked one
question: which are your favourite books? Even though modern life has
changed many of ourhabits, readingis oneactivity thatis stillpopular inour
country.Fromnewspapersandmagazinestobooks,thereisnodearthofreading
matteravailabletous.Itishearteningthatwiththegrowthoftheliteracyratein
India,thedemandforbooksofdifferentkindshasgrown.Thisshows,Ithink,
thatpeoplearenotjustlearningtoreadandwriteinschool.Theyarealsogetting
educatedandimprovingtheirwaysofthinkingand sharpeningtheirpowersof
understanding.Readinghelpstobuildtheseinvaluablequalitiesandthehabitof
readingcanneverbeencouragedenough.
Formepersonally,bookshavealwaysbeenclosecompanions.Idiscovered
some when I was very young, and have never forgotten them. They are like
friendswhohaveledmebythehandandguidedmethroughlife.Theirwords
breathe meaning into many situations, for I use them to understand the world
aroundme.
I have also come across many book lovers who have fanned my love of
books.Onepersoninparticularwhohelpedmeoutoncebynotbuyingabook
comestomind.ThishappenedinMadrasmanyyearsback,whenIwasstudying
atMIT.IhadrecentlybecomeinterestedinRussianliterature,andhadobtained
acopyofabookthatIwasreadingwithgreatinterest.However,itsohappened
thatIalsoneededtogohomeforafewdaysandasalwaystherewashardlyany
moneyinmypocket—notenoughtobuyatrainticketevenforRameswaram!I
sawnowayoutotherthansellingthebookIwasreadinginordertotideover
thismonetarycrisis.TheplacewhereIwentforallsuchtransactionswascalled
More Market in Madras. It was a covered shopping area where all manner of
goodswereavailable.Butwhatinterestedmemostwasanarrowareatowards
the rearwhere second-hand bookswere bought and sold. There was one shop
whichIalwaysvisited,astheproprietorhadbecomeafriend.Hehadintroduced
metomanywritersandhelpedmebecomeavoraciousreaderbyprovidingme
withmanyinterestingandupliftingbooks.Thatday,whenIpresentedmyselfat
hisshopandtoldhimthatIneededtosellthebookIwasreading,helookedat
mewithamixtureofpityandsadness.HecouldseethatIdidnotwanttopart
withthebook,yethealsounderstoodmyreasonforwantingtodoso.Thenhe
came up with an idea that was brilliant in its simplicity and solved all my
problems!Whydidn'tIleavethebookwithhimasasortofmortgage?Hewould
loanmetheamounthewouldhavepaidmeforit.WhenIhadthemoneyIcould
returntheamounttohimandtakebackmybook.Hepromisednottosellitto
anyoneinthemeantime!Myhappinessknewnoboundsatthissuddenchangein
myfortunes.Iwasnowabletogohomeandnotlosemybook.Needlesstosay,
my book-lovingfriend kepthis word, and that bookstayed with me for many
years—areminderofthekindnessofstrangersandtheequallystrangeworldof
bibliophiles!
IstartedreadingtheEnglishclassicsonlywhenIwasinmyfinalyearatSt
Joseph's College. At the time, I discovered the works of Leo Tolstoy, Walter
ScottandThomasHardy.Thesettingsofthestorieswerecompletelyalientome,
and the language different from what I was used to, but the stories of human
relationshipsandtheirviewsofsocietyappealedtome.AfterthisIdiscovered
theworksofcertainphilosophersandstartedtakinganinterestinreadingabout
science,inparticularphysics.
Here,IamremindedofastoryaboutAlbertEinstein.Whenhewastwelve,
his mentor, Max Talmud, gave him a book on Eucledian geometry. This book
opened the young Einstein's mind to concepts of pure thought and how to
exploreuniversaltruths,andhebegantorealizethepowerofthehumanmind.
OvertheyearsIhavereadinnumerablebooks.ButifIwereaskedtoname
those that are most dear to me, or the ones that affected me deeply, I would
mentionthree.
ThefirstiscalledLightfromManyLamps,editedbyLillianEichlerWatson.
Ifirstcameacrossthisbookin1953,intheverysamesecond-handbookstorein
MadrasI had mentionedearlier(the joys ofbrowsingin a crammedbookshop
andstumblinguponararetreasurelikethisisindescribable).Iconsiderthebook
tobemycompanion,becauseIhaveleafedthroughitandreadandrereaditso
many times over the years that I have possessed it. Considered a classic
inspirational work, Lights from Many Lamps contains the writings of various
authors. The editor has compiled inspiring stories written by different writers,
and has also, very helpfully, mentioned how these came to be written and the
lessonstobederivedfromthem.
Therehas hardlybeen an occasionwhen theworks mentioned inthe book
have not brought me solace in my hours of sadness, or uplifted me when I
neededadvice.IfIameverindangerofbeingsweptawaybymyownemotions,
thisbookbringsaboutabalanceinmythinking.Mycopyofthebookhasbeen
boundand reboundsomany timesthat Iwas delighted whenafriend founda
neweditionandgiftedittomesomeyearsago.
ThesecondworkthathasbeeninfluentialinmythinkingistheThirukural.
WrittenbyThiruvalluvarmorethan2,000yearsago,itisacollectionof1,330
rhyming Tamil couplets or aphorisms (kural). This work talks about almost
everyaspectoflifeandisconsideredtobeoneofthemostimportantpiecesof
workinTamilliterature.Tome,ithasprovidedacodeofconductformylife.It
isaworkthattrulyelevatesthemind.Hereisakuralthatisparticularlydearto
myheart:
Ulluvathellamuyarvullalmatratu
Tallinumtellamainirttut
(Thinkofrisinghigher.Letitbeyouronlythought.Evenifyourobject
benotattained,thethoughtitselfwillhaveraisedyou.)
Thenext bookthatIwouldliketomentioniscalledMantheUnknownby
the Nobel laureate and doctor-turned-philosopher Alexis Carrel. In it, he talks
about how humans can be healed when both the body and mind are treated
together.Hisdescriptionofthehumanbody—howitisanintelligent,integrated
system—isexplainedclearlyandbrilliantly.Ithinkthisworkshouldbereadby
everyone,inparticularthosewhoaimtostudythemedicalsciences.
Religious texts of different religions have influenced me greatly. I have
studiedtheseandtriedtofindtheanswerstoquestionsthathaveappearedinmy
mindthroughmylife.The Koran, the Vedas,the Bhagwad Gita, all holddeep
philosophicalinsightsintotheplightofmanandhavehelpedmeresolvemany
dilemmasatdifferenttimesinmylife.
Justtoillustratehowthesetextscanprovideinsightintoanyaspectoflife,
letmerecountafewexamples.AfterIhadworkedforawhileasanaeronautical
engineer in Bangalore, I was called for an interview for the post of rocket
engineeratINCOSPAR,thespaceagencystartedbyDrVikramSarabhai.Iwas
verynervousabouttheinterviewanddidnotknowwhattoexpect.Atthetime,
these words by Lakshmana Sastry (my father's friend and the priest at the
Rameswaramtemple)quotingtheGitagavemecourage:'Allbeingsarebornto
delusion…overcomebythedualitiesthatarisefromwishandhate…butthose
menofvirtuousdeedsinwhomsinhascometoanend,freedfromthedelusion
ofdualities,worship me steadfastin theirvows.'Itold myself thebest wayto
winwasnottoneedtowinandIwentfortheinterviewwiththisattitude.
India'sspaceprogrammegrewandwithit,Igottoworkwithmanypeople
who helped build it and give it shape. My connection with the Indian Space
ResearchOrganisationgoesbackrighttothetimeofitsinception.WhenIlook
atthewaytheorganizationhasgrownandthekindofserviceithasprovidedour
country,aswellasthepeoplewhoshapeditsobjectivesandgaveitdirection,I
am reminded of a shloka from the Gita which says: 'See the flower, how
generouslyitdistributesperfumeandhoney.Whenitsworkisdone,itfallsaway
quietly. Try to be like the flower, unassuming despite all its qualities.' The
stalwartsofthespaceprogrammewereliketheseflowers—theycameandgave
directionandthenmadewayfornewideasandnewthoughts.
Again,whileIwasattheDefenceResearchandDevelopmentOrganisation
(DRDO) working on developing India's indigenous missile programme, I
workedwithmanybrilliantanddedicatedengineersandleaders.Thewordsfrom
theHolyKoranringinmyearswhenIthinkofthem:'Lightuponlight.Allah
guidesHislighttowhomHewill.'
Inmypersonallifetoo,theseworkshavegivenmecomfortandhelpedme
makesenseofthevicissitudesoflife.WhenIlostmyparentswithinthespanof
ayear,IrememberprayingatthemosqueinRameswaram,overcomewithgrief
andregretfornothavingmetmymothermoreoftenbeforeshepassedaway.But
aftersometimethislinefromtheKorancametome.Ittoldmethatthepassing
away of souls is inevitable and the only constant is God: 'Your wealth and
childrenareonlyatemptationwhereasAllah!WithHimiseternalaward.'
Poetryhasbeenoneofmyfirstlovesintherealmofliterature.Theworksof
T.S.Eliot,LewisCarrollandWilliamButlerYeatshaveplayedoutinmymind
over and over again, appearing to give context and meaning to various
happenings.Inmyendeavoursinthescientificarena,howappropriatehavebeen
theselinesbyLewisCarroll:
Letcraft,ambition,spite,
BequenchedinReason'snight,
Tillweaknessturntomight,
Tillwhatisdarkbelight,
Tillwhatiswrongberight!
And when work was an endless cycle of back-breaking hours, and days
merged into days till I could hardly tell one from the other, Samuel Taylor
Coleridge'swordsdescribedmystateofmindthebest:
Dayafterday,dayafterday,
Westuck,norbreath,normotion;
Asidleasapaintedship
Uponapaintedocean
Often,Ihavehadtoworktryingtomeetimpossibledeadlines.Acolleague,
GroupCaptainNarayanan,wasimpatienttoachieveourgoalofcreatingguided
missiles.Hetoldmeonce,'YounamethethingandIwillgetitforyou,butdo
not ask me for time.' At the time I had laughed at his hurry and quoted these
wordsbyT.S.Eliot:
Betweentheconception
Andthecreation
Betweentheemotion
Andtheresponse
FallstheShadow.
Thesearejustsomeofthewritersandworksthathaveinfluencedmedeeply.
Theyarealllikeoldfriends—familiar,well-meaningandreassuring.Theyknow
whentoentermymind;theyknowwhenIaminsomedilemma,ormymoments
ofsadnessandcontemplation.Theyarealsowithmeinmydeepest,mostjoyous
moments. In this age of quick and easy communication, when information
comes to us in byte-sized pieces, the charm of the written word can never be
allowed to be lost. I once wrote this poem on books that I often read out to
youngpeople.Itsumsupmyfeelingsforthewrittenword:
Bookswerealwaysmyfriends
Lastmorethanfiftyyears
Booksgavemedreams
Dreamsresultedinmissions
Bookshelpedmeconfidentlytakeupthemissions
Booksgavemecourageatthetimeoffailures
Goodbookswereformeangels
Touchedmyheartgentlyatthetime
HenceIaskyoungfriendstohavebooksasfriends
Booksareyourgoodfriends.
haverecountedinanearlierchaptersomeofmyfirstexperiencesofdejection
andfailureandthelessonstheyheldforme.Ihaveunderstoodnowthatafter
the feelings of disappointment subside, and one gains perspective, these
experiencescanchangeourwaysofthinking.Theyalsodeeplyimpactoursouls,
Ibelieve,andbringusfacetofacewithexistentialissues.Whenthathappens,
weneed to embracetheevents and analyzehowwe responded—did weallow
themtomerelyrolloveruslikewaves,ordidwedivedeeperintothematterand
useittogaininsightsintoourselves?
Needlesstosay,itisusuallyeventsofgreatmagnitudethatshiftsomething
within us at a fundamental level. When we are unable to live up to the high
standardsandexpectationsofthosewevaluethemost;orgetinvolvedinmatters
thatimpactthelivesofmillions;orwhenitisamatteroflifeanddeath—these
arethetimeswhenoursenseofselfandouregowitnessdeepchanges.
Icanrecallafewsuchmarkersfrommyworkinglife.WhenIwasleading
the project teams for SLV-3, the satellite launch vehicle, and for Agni, India's
first indigenousmissile, expectations from me andmy teams weresky-high—
both from the government and from the people of the country. The media
scrutiny,thoughnothingcomparedtowhatitistoday,wasalsointensive.SLV-3
failedonitsfirstlaunchandtheAgniproject,too,wentthroughnumerousups
and downs and witnessed pre-launch difficulties. These were jobs that put the
teams and me under immense pressure and the stakes were very high. Not
gettingtheseperfectthefirsttimearoundnegatedthemanyothersuccesseswe
hadachieved despitevarioushurdles.Thosedaysofintrospectionandanalysis
ofthereasonsforfailurewillremaindeeplyembeddedinmymemory.Butwhat
leavesanevengreaterimpactiswhenpeopleweknowandworkwith,orthose
on whom we depend to implement our ideas and designs, show uncommon
dedicationandevensufferintheprocess.Ihaveseenthis,too,inmyworking
lifeandeachtimeIhavebeenmovedbeyondwordsbywhatIwitnessed.
In the 1960s and '70s, I was working at Thumba Equatorial Rocket
Launching Station (TERLS). Under the guidance of Dr Vikram Sarabhai, we
weremakingourownrockets,SLVsandsatellites.Wewerealsoworkingwith
laboratoriesaroundthecountryinpreparingpayloadsforthesoundingrockets.
Almost all physicallaboratories in India were involvedin thesounding rocket
programme, each having its own mission and payload. These payloads were
requiredtobeintegratedwiththerocketstructure.Oneofmycolleaguesatthe
PayloadPreparationLaboratorywasSudhakar.Once,wewereworkingonapre-
launchschedule,andwerefillingandremotelypressingadangeroussodiumand
thermitemix.LikemostdaysatThumba,whichisontheeastcoast,itwashot
and humid. Sudhakar and I had been working for a long time. The heat was
intensebutwewereunmindfulofit.Afterfillingsixsuchmixes,wedecidedto
visitthepayloadroomandinspect the progress tosee for ourselves ifthe mix
hadbeenfilledproperly.Perhaps,becauseweweresodeeplyimmersedinour
work,weforgotabasicfactofscience:puresodium,whenincontactwithwater,
canbedangerous.AsSudhakarandIleanedintoinspectthemixture,adropof
sweat from Sudhakar's forehead fell into it. Before we could react, we were
thrown backwards by a powerfulexplosion! Itshook theroom andboth of us
fell. For a few seconds, the shock paralysed me.In a matterof seconds a fire
brokeoutfromtheexplosion.Infrontofourhorrifiedeyes,thelaboratorywas
soonburningawayfiercely.Itwas a fire due to sodium,sousingwaterwould
not help. Rather, it would add to the devastation. The laboratory was now
nothingshortofaninferno.Later,whenIrelivedtheevents,itallseemedtotake
placeinslowmotion—theaccident,theexplosionandthenthefire.Inreality,all
this happened within the space of a few seconds. Even as I got to my feet,
Sudhakarshowedastartlingpresenceofmind.Hebrokeopentheglasswindow
ofthepayloadroomwithhisbarehands.Then,withoutamoment'shesitation,
heturned tomeand pushedme out beforeproceeding to jumphimself.These
actionscouldnothavetakenmorethanafewminutes,yetifoneconsidersthe
intensity of the explosion and the terrible heat of the fire, by the time it took
Sudhakartofigureoutourescapeandsaveme,hehimselfgotterriblyinjured.
Notonly washeseverelyburnt,buthishandswerealsobleedingfromhaving
brokentheglasspanewithnoprotection.
As we staggered away from the room that was now engulfed in flames, I
heldontoSudhakarandthankedhimforsavingme.Despitetheintensepainhe
was in, he smiled and acknowledged my words. He went on to spend many
weeksinhospitalrecoveringfromhisinjuries.Asforme,notonlyhadIbeenin
themostterribleaccidentofmylife,Iwasalsoexperiencingforthefirsttimethe
feelingsofasurvivor.Knowingthatsomeonewillinglyandinstinctivelyputhis
lifeatriskinordertosaveyoursisanincrediblyhumblingexperience.People
who have survived and been rescued from mortal danger face a gamut of
emotions—from relief to guilt to gratitude. In my case it also came with a
feeling of added responsibility. If Sudhakar had thought my life was worth
savingwithoutmindinghisownsafety,thenIneededmorethanevertoseethat
alltheworkweweredoingtogetherdidnotsufferaninstant'sdelay.
Sudhakar'sstoryofcouragehasbeenanabidingsourceofinspirationforme.
WheneverIfeelmyselfgivingimportancetothesmallissuesoflife,whenIfind
myselflosingsightofthelargerpicture,perhapslosingsightofthefactthatIam
justoneinahumanityofbillionsandlessthanaspeckinthisuniverse,atthose
timesIrememberthisincredibleman.Helookedlikeanyother—ascientistlike
allofusgoingabouthisjob—yetheroseabovethemostbasicoffears,thatof
savingyourownself,anddidsomethingextraordinary.
There is another incident that still leaves its painful imprint on my heart
whenIthinkaboutit.ThiswastheArakkonamcrashof1999.Itleftadeepwell
of sadness within me and altered my ego structure forever. Soon after it
happened,Iabsorbeditsimportancebutburiedmyfeelingsunderamountainof
work. It was only years later, while talking to a close friend when we were
writingabooktogether,thatIcouldarticulatemyfeelingsandrecountwhathad
happenedwithoutsinkingintoregretandsadness.
On 11 January 1999, two aircraft took off from Bangalore towards the
Arakkonam–Chennai coastline on a scientific mission for the Airborne
Surveillance Platform (ASP). One was an Avro with an aircraft surveillance
systemmountedatopasamotodome(adish-likestructurefixedontheaircraft
body). It climbed to 10,000 feet and set course for the coast where the radar
testing was being carried out somewhere over the coastline. Fifteen minutes
beforetheAvrotookoff,anAN-32aircraft,whichwasthetargetaircraftforthe
radartesting,hadalsotakenofffromBangalore.Thetestinghappenedfornearly
oneand halfhoursandeveryonewas happywiththeperformanceoftheradar
system. The AN-32 landed at Arakkonam at around 4 p.m. The Avro ASP
aircraftalsosetcoursetowardsArakkonamataroundthistime.Asitstartedits
descentfrom10,000to5,000feet,allwaswell.ButwhentheAvrowasabout5
nauticalmilesawayfrom the airfield,at an altitudesomewhere between 3,000
and5,000feet,themotodomefelloff.Thesuddenimbalancemadetheaircraft
unstableanditcrashedimmediately.Therewereeightmenonboard.Allofthem
died.
Thenewscame to mewhen Iwas inthe SouthBlock, in ameeting ofthe
Defence Research Council. I left midway and flew to Bangalore. Air Chief
MarshalA.Y.Tipniswasalsothere.Thedaysthatfollowedwerethemostheart-
rending.Imetthebereavedfamilies—theyoungwives,somewithinfants.What
consolationcouldIofferthem?Thattheirbelovedhusbandsandsonshaddiedin
the cause of defence preparedness? Is that of any solace to people when their
worstfearshavecometrue?Iwasspeechlessandshell-shockedwhenoneyoung
motherpointedtoherbabyandsaid,'Whowilllookafterthisyounglife?'The
motherofanotheraskedmesomethingthathauntsmestill,'Whydidyoudothis
tous?'
Thecrashhadbeenofsuchintensitythatwecouldnotlocateanyremainsof
theeightmen.Allwecoulddowaspreparesomecoffinsforthecomfortofthe
families. We placed them in the air force hall and somehow I made a speech,
biddingfarewelltotheeightmenwhohadsetoutthatafternoontodotheirjobs,
butnevercamehome.Ireturnedtomyroomthatnightexhaustedandwornout
withgrief,worryandguilt.Iwroteinmydiary:
Thelampsaredifferent
Butthelightissame
Worldlyjoysyoureturnedtotheworld
Youremaininmyinnermostsoul.
Asyearspassedafterthisincident,ImovedfrommyofficeatSouthBlockto
Rashtrapati Bhavan. But there, too, the cries of the widows, the grief of the
devastatedparentsandthewailingoftheinfantsremainedwithme.Thefactthat
theydidnotevengettoseethemenforthelasttimeandhadtomakedowith
symboliccoffinsbrokemyheartwhenIthoughtaboutit.Whengrandplansfor
scientificanddefencetechnologiesaremade,dothepeopleinpowerthinkabout
the sacrifices the people in the laboratories and fields have to make? Political
rhetoric alone does not build a nation unless it is backed by the power of
sacrifice,toilandvirtue.Thatistruenation-building.
When we obtain positions of power over others, we believe that we have
reachedthepinnacleofsuccess.Butitisatthistimethatweneedtolookback
andbeawareofthemultitudesonwhosehardworkandsacrificeswehavebuilt
ourcastles.WhenIwasspeakingtomyfriend,ArunTiwari,aboutthisepisode,
heaskedme,'Whatisthemessage?'Myreplywas,'Don'tpretendtobeacandle,
beamoth.Knowthepowerhiddeninserving.Weseemtohavegotstuckwith
external forms of politics and mistaking them to be nation-building. It is
sacrifices,toilandvalourthatareseldomseenthattrulymakeanation.'
Now, when I think back on these incidents, not only of their immediate
impact but the events that unfolded subsequently—of Sudhakar in hospital, of
thecompensationthatthefamiliesreceivedfromthegovernmentfortheirfallen
men,butonlyafteralong-drawn-outprocess—Ifeelaprofoundalonenesstoo.
Insadnessyouaretrulyalone.Thatiswhenyourtrueselfisrevealedtoyou,and
I found myself reaching out to a larger consciousness, of the awareness that
thesequestionsaboutthenatureoflifeandexistenceweretriggeringresolutions
andgivingbirthtonewdepthsofwisdom.Eachoneofushastoconfrontdeath
andheartbreakinour lives, but ifthereissomethingIhavelearntinmyeight
decadesoflifeonthisplanet,itisthatthesemomentsareourtruefriends.Joyis
fleeting,whereastruehappinessandcalmcancometousonlyafterintensepain,
whenwehaveconfrontedourselvesinthemirrorofoursoulsandunderstoodthe
self.
eachers and mentors come at various stages into our lives. As a child, I
lookeduptomyparentsandmyteachers.Thenmydearfriendandbrother-
in-law,AhmedJalalluddin,guidedmeinthecrucialyearswhenIturnedfroma
child into aman. Andas my careerwas beginning,I wasimmensely lucky to
comeintheorbitofamansuchasDrVikramSarabhai.
A scientist, educationist, institutionbuilder and visionary, Dr Sarabhaiwas
one of modern India's greatest thinkers and doers. He combined an acute
intelligencewiththequalitiesofafineleader.Itwasthecountry'sgoodfortune
thathewaschosentohelmitsfledglingspaceprogrammeafter Independence.
Much hasbeen written abouthim and his many achievements—thathe set up
ISRO,articulatedIndia'sspacemission,hewaschairmanoftheAtomicEnergy
Commissionandsetupanumberofotherindustriesandeducationalinstitutions,
nottheleastbeingtheIndianInstituteofManagement(IIM),Ahmedabad.Yet,
fromwhereIsawhim,hewasallthis—thesewerethestuffoflegendsandmade
himsomewhatofaheroicfigureforayoungrocketengineer likeme—andhe
wasmuchmore.
I first met him when I was called for an interview by INCOSPAR for the
position of rocket engineer. The call for the interview had come to me quite
unexpectedly, after Professor M.G.K. Menon of the Tata Institute of
Fundamental Research (TIFR) saw my work on the Nandi hovercraft in
Bangalore.Ihadlittleideaofwhattoexpectattheinterview,orwhowouldbe
conducting it. Neither did I know exactly what areas of my knowledge the
interviewerswouldtest.IwenttoBombaywithanopenmind,tellingmyselfnot
toraisemyexpectationstoomuch.Lifehadalreadytaughtmethatthebestway
towinistonotcovetthewintoomuch,insteadtokeepacalmandopenmindto
newchallenges.
IwasinterviewedbyDrSarabhai,ProfessorMenonandMrSaraf,whowas
thedeputysecretaryoftheAtomicEnergyCommission.Eachoneofthemwasa
storehouseofscientificknowledge,yetthewarmthandgraciousnessthatIfeltin
theroomwasremarkable.Thatinterviewsetthetoneformyfuturerelationship
withDrVikramSarabhai.Heprobedmoreintomythoughtprocesses,tryingto
notonlyfindoutmylevelofknowledge,buttoknowwhatIwasmadeofasa
person,wheremygoalslayandthepossibilitiesforgrowththatIheldwithinme,
bothasaprofessionalandasahumanbeing.Hewasencouraging,affableand
listenedtomeinsuchawaythatinstinctivelyIknewthatherewasamanwho
wasnotrecruitingjustanengineer,ratherhewaslookingatmyfuturepotential
andwasinvestinghistimeandcareinme.Inmyprofessionallifethiswasthe
first time that I had comeacross someoneof hisstature whoseemed ready to
envelop my thoughts and dreams into his larger vision for the country's space
programme.
IwasinductedintoINCOSPAR.Itwaslikeadreamcometrueforme,anda
greatcareerbreakthrough.AsIsettleddownintomyroleandgottoknowthe
institution and its processes and people, I was struck by how different it was
fromwhereIhadworkedearlier.Theatmospherewasmuchmorerelaxed,and
labelsandhierarchywerenotasimportant.
Soon after this I heard the story of how Dr Sarabhai set up the Thumba
EquatorialRocketLaunchingStation.ItisastoryInevertireoftelling,because
to me it is the perfect coming together of science and spirituality—the twin
drivingforcesofmylife.
It was the year 1962 and Dr Vikram Sarabhai was looking for a site to
establish a space research station. He visited a number of places. Thumba in
Kerala,insouthernIndia,wasselectedasitisneartheequatorialregionandis
ideallysuitedforionosphericresearchin the upper atmosphere, apart from the
study of the atmospheric structure. When Dr Sarabhai visited Thumba, the
locality hada number of villages and thousands offishing folk were living in
thatarea.Italsohadabeautifulancientchurch,theStMaryMagdaleneChurch,
andthebishop'shousenearby.DrSarabhaimetmanypoliticiansandbureaucrats
in order to get the place for building research facilities but it was difficult to
obtain permissions. Finally he was asked to see the bishop of Trivandrum,
ReverendFatherDrPeterBernardPereira.ItwasaSaturdaywhenDrSarabhai
met the bishop. The bishop smiled and asked him to meet him the next day,
Sunday.Thatday,afterserviceatthechurch,thebishoptoldthecongregation,
'Mychildren,Ihaveafamousscientistwithmewhowantsourchurchandthe
placeIlivefortheworkofspacescienceresearch.Dearchildren,scienceseeks
truth by reasoning. In one way, science and spiritualism seek the same divine
blessingsfordoinggood.Mychildren,canwegiveGod'sabodeforascientific
mission?' The church reverberated with a chorus of 'Amen' from the
congregation.Subsequently, Reverend Dr PeterBernardPereiratook the noble
decisiontodedicatethechurchbuildingtoIndia'snationalgoalofestablishing
ISRO.Thatwaswherewehadourdesigncentre,startedrocketassembly,design
of filament winding machine and the bishop's house was our scientists' place.
Thechurchbuildinghasbeenmaintainedwithloveandcareeversinceandisa
remindertoallofusofwherethebeginningsofourspaceprogrammelay.Today
ithouses the IndianSpaceMuseum. Later, TERLSledto the establishmentof
the Vikram Sarabhai Space Centre (VSSC) and multiple space centres
throughoutthecountry.
WhenIthinkofthisevent,Icanseehowenlightenedspiritualandscientific
leadersworkharmoniouslyforlargergoals.Later,anewchurchandnewschools
wereestablishedinrecordtimeatThumba.ThebirthofTERLSandthenVSSC
gave India the capability to design, develop and produce worldclass rocket
systems. India developed the capability of launching geo-synchronous, sun-
synchronous and meteorology spacecraft, communication satellites and remote
sensing satellites, thereby providing fast communication, weather forecasting
and also locating water resources for the country. Dr Vikram Sarabhai is no
longeramongus,neitherisReverendDrPeterBernardPereira,butIseethemas
flowers that blossom to bring value to others' lives. This is described in the
BhagwadGita:'Seetheflower,howgenerouslyitdistributesperfumeandhoney.
It gives to all, gives freely of its love. When its work is done, it falls away
quietly.Trytobeliketheflower,unassumingdespiteallitsqualities.'
This story of how we got a rocket-launching facility is an inspirational
messageforallgenerations.Itisabouttheintegrationofminds.Nowhereinthe
world hasa church been given for scientific research;it hashappened only in
India.Itisagreatmessagetobespread.Themessageis,thebestcomponentof
religioncanbetransformedintoaspiritualforcethatwillshapesociety.
AsIcontinuedmyworkatwhatbecameISRO,IcameintocontactwithDr
Sarabhaimoreandmoreoften.Hewasgivingshapetohisvisionofthecountry's
spaceprogrammebysettingupthefacilityatThumba,byconceivingtheideaof
India building its own SLV and at the same time building a Rocket-Assisted
Take-OffSystem(RATO),whichwouldenablemilitaryaircrafttotakeoffeven
fromthemosthostileterrain.Iwouldbeamazedatthewayhismindworked—
the clear ideas and the ability to look ahead even when such things were not
apparenttotherestofus.
Dr Sarabhai'sleadership qualitieswere suchthat he could inspire even the
junior-mostperson inan organizationwith a senseof purpose.In my opinion,
there weresome basicqualities that made him a great leader. Letme mention
themonebyone.
Firstly, he was always ready to listen. In Indian institutions, what often
hindersgrowthisthereluctanceofthoseatthetoptolistentotheirjuniorsand
subordinates.Thereisabeliefthatalldecisionsandideasmustcomeinatop-to-
down manner. The line between leadership and bullying is a thin one. Dr
Sarabhai amazed us often with the amount of trust he placed in us. At
INCOSPARwewereessentiallyabunchofyoung,inexperiencedengineerswith
large quantities of zeal and enthusiasm within us. He harnessed this youthful
spiritby givingusa visionandby alsomakingus feel thatwe were partof a
larger whole. His visits to Thumba would be preceded by days of feverish
activity, as each of us wanted to show him something new that had been
developed—be it a new design, new fabrication or even a new administrative
process.Hegroomedustobecomeleadersinourownrights.
AsecondqualitythatIbelievestandsaleaderingoodsteadistheabilityto
think creatively. WhenDr Sarabhai decidedthat we shouldbuild theSLVand
theRATO, there appearedto be noimmediate link between the two.Yet, time
and again itwas provedto us thathis thoughtsand tasksthat initially seemed
random were actually deeply interconnected. I was quick to realize this, and
madeupmymindearlyontoremainalertandfocusedinordertobeassigned
unusualanddemandingtaskstobeimplementedatmylaboratory.Inthelarger
perspective, Dr Sarabhai envisioned India's space programme as an integrated
whole, which would encompass the design and manufacture of rockets,
satellites,launchvehiclesandlaunchfacilities.Awide-rangingprogrammefor
development of rocket fuels, propulsion systems, aeronautics and aerospace
materials, tracking systems and instruments also gathered pace at the Space
Science and Technology Centre and Physical Research Laboratory at
Ahmedabad. When Dr Sarabhai gave shape to a vision to develop rockets in
India,hewasquestioned,alongwiththepoliticalleadership,ontherelevanceof
suchaprogrammewhenavastmajorityinthecountrywasbattlingthedemons
of hunger and poverty. Yet, he was in agreement with Jawaharlal Nehru that
Indiacouldonlyplayameaningfulroleintheaffairsoftheworldifthecountry
was self-reliant in every manner, and should be able to apply advanced
technologies to alleviate real-life problems. Thus our space programme was
neversimplyadesiretobeoneamonganelitegroupofnations,neitherwasita
matterofplayingcatch-upwithothercountries.Rather,itwasanexpressionof
the need for developing indigenous capabilities in telecommunications,
meteorologyandeducation.
A third quality that I observed in Dr Sarabhai, and which I have tried to
incorporate in my own way of working, was an ability to build teams. Dr
Sarabhai had an uncanny knack of spotting the right person for the job. He
wouldthenbackthepersoncompletelyevenifheorshelackedexperience.He
also had hisown waysofraising morale—amuch-required ability ina leader,
particularlyinafieldlikeours,whereweoftenhadtobattleoddsandfailures.
Whenrequiredhecouldmakethebleakestscenarioappearnotsodark,hewould
praiseusevenifwehadnot completely reached our goal if hefeltthat it was
justified,andheneverstintedonusinghumourtoalleviatethetensionsinherent
in our field. All of this helped him build teams and institutions that remained
steadfastlyloyalto him and his vision. Each person knew he could contribute,
andthatthecontributionwouldberecognizedandvalued.
And finally, thatgreat qualityof his—to look beyond failures.I remember
that for one of his visits to Thumba we had prepared a demonstration of the
nose-cone jettisoning mechanism of the SLV stage we were working on. The
plan was that when Dr Sarabhai pressed a switch, the pyro system would be
activatedthroughatimercircuit.Butwhenhepressedtheswitchasrequested,
nothinghappened. Iwas in astate of shock,along with mycolleague Pramod
Kale,whohaddesignedandintegratedthetimercircuit.Wequicklygaugedthe
problemasbeingonewithinthetimer,andgavedirectaccesstothepyroafter
detachingit.WhenDrSarabhaipressedtheswitchthistime,thepyroswerefired
and the nose cone was jettisoned, as it was supposed to. Dr Sarabhai
congratulatedusonourwork,buttherewasathoughtfullookonhisfaceashe
said goodbye. That evening I was asked to meet him at the Kovalam Palace
HotelinTrivandrum.IhadanuneasyfeelingasImademywaythere.Hemet
mewithhisusualwarmthandspokeabouttherocketlaunchingstation.Thenhe
turnedtotheincidentofthemorning.Ireadiedmyselftobeupbraided.Instead,
DrSarabhaidelvedintodeeperissues—wereweunenthusedbythejob,orwasit
not challenging enough for us? After talking to me, we finally came upon a
reason behind that morning's failure. We needed an integrated space for the
systemintegrationofallourrocketstagesandrocketsystems.Afterpinpointing
thisreason,DrSarabhaistayeduplateintothenightredefiningrolesandcoming
upwithanewdepartment—theRocketEngineeringSection.
As I have mentioned, mistakes and failures are a part of every project,
particularlyinoneslikeourswhereweworkonanumberofsystemsandvarious
teamsareresponsiblefordifferentstages,whereevenasmallerroratonestage
can put to waste years of hard work. Dr Sarabhai used these mistakes as
gatewaysforinnovationandthedevelopmentofnewsystems.Hehadtheability
tolookbeyondthespecificerrorandreadwhatlaybehindit.Hekeptroomfor
errorsandinsteadtriedtoanalyzehowwecouldmakethemmanageable,sothat
weruledtheproject,andnotourfearoffailure.
TheplaceISROnowhasinthecommunityofspace-faringnationsissecond
tonone.Ithasdevelopedworldclasssatellites,satelliteandrocketlaunchersand
hasprovidedinvaluableservicetothecountryinthefieldsofscientificresearch,
innovation, education and telecommunication facilities.So muchso thatit has
sentan orbitertothemoon,theChandrayaan1,andwill soonsendaprobeto
Mars.AllofthisgrewfromtheseedsplantedbyDrSarabhaiandnurturedbythe
likesofSatishDhawanandsubsequentchairmenoftheorganization.
My relationship with Vikram Sarabhai was a deeply emotional and
intellectual one. Time and again he placed his faith in me to lead teams that
woulddesignanddevelopmechanismstotakeIndiafurtherandfurtheronher
course to becoming a self-reliant nation, in terms of science and defence. He
tooktheyoungrocketengineersittingbeforehim,answeringhisquestionswith
honestyandclarity,intohisfoldandsharedhisowndreamofbuildingrockets
andmissileswithhim.Hestoodbymeinmomentsofcrisisanddoubt,offailure
and success, guiding me, pointing me on the right path when necessary or
showing me where the path lay when I was confused. He was a giant among
men,andIwasfortunatethatIcouldgrowinhisshadow.
Dr Sarabhai's death came as a cruel blow to me, not least because it was
completelyunexpected.InDecember1971,IspoketohimfromDelhi,updating
him about a missile panel meeting that I had just attended there. He was in
ThumbathenandaskedmetomeethimatTrivandrumairportafterlandingfrom
Delhi,as hewouldbeonhis waytoBombay.Thatmeetingneverhappened.I
landed at Trivandrum a fewhours laterto hear the news thatDr Sarabhaihad
passedawayfromacardiacarrest.Icametoknowthathediedanhourafterour
conversation.Themanwhonurturedscientistsandengineerswhowouldgoon
toheadimportantscientificprojectsofthecountry,whowasagreatscientistand
a leader, was no more there for us to turn to. But before his going he had
equippeduswiththeknowledge,confidenceandforesightrequiredtotakeonall
sortsofchallenges,andIbelievethatourgreatesthomagetohimwasforeachof
us to realize our own true potential, which he had spotted at the very first
meeting.
Itisperhapsapatterninmylifethatthoseclosesttomepassawaysuddenly,
withoutwarning.Whathasthattaughtme?ForeachpersonIlostIfoundanew
layerofgrieftocovermyselfwith,andeachtimeItriedtobringsomethingof
theiressenceintomyownbeing—beitunconditionallove,kindnessandpiety.
InDrSarabhai'scase,perhapsitwastheabilitytolookahead—toplan,tobuild
and to create. If I have achieved even a part of that through my actions and
through the various roles I have been entrusted with, I consider myself
successfulinlivinguptotheexpectationsofthisgreatvisionaryofIndia.
fter India conducted the second nuclear test at Pokhran in 1998, in whose
developmentIplayedapart,Iwasgivenvariousepithets.Theonethathas
stayedwithmeevenaftersomanyyearsandbeyondtheyearsofmypresidency
isMissileMan.ItamusesmevastlywhenIhearmyselfbeingcalledthat,forit
soundsmorethenameforachild'sactionfigurethanofamanofsciencethatI
believe myself to be. Yet,it alsocarries allthe loveand respectthat has been
showeredonmebysomanyinthiscountry.Tomeitalsosymbolizessomesort
of culmination of my journey into the realm of science, rocketry and
engineering.Thebeginningofthisjourneystretchesalongwaybackintotime—
solongthatwhenIthinkbackIwonderifitallhappenedtome,orisitsome
storythatImyselfreadinabooksomewhere?Butofcourse,allthatwentinto
making me a person who chose the path of science really did happen, and
remembering it now is like taking a journey upriver—from the delta to the
source,furtherandfurtherupstreamIdrift,tillIreachthepointwhenIwasstill
aboy,tryingtofindmypathinlife.
In many ways my real education began after I left Rameswaram for high
school at Ramanathapuram. As I have written earlier, it was the first time I
stepped out of the protective embrace of Rameswaram, my mother and
everythingelsethatwasfamiliar.Iwasverymuchashysmall-townboythen,
afraid to speak out much. It was at Schwartz High School that I had my first
brushwiththewondersofscience,andhaditexplainedtomeinamannerthat
setmymindalight.AtthatschooltherewasateachercalledReverendIyadurai
Solomon. He struck up a relationship of great openness and trust with me. In
him,IfoundtheguidethatIneededtoshowmethepathforward.
I was fascinated by the flight of birds in the sky. I could watch them for
hours,lookingattheirflightpatternsandpathsintheskiesaboveme.Thedesire
toflyandbeoneamongthemhadgrownwithinmefromayoungage.Oneday,
whilestudyingthephysicsofflight,ReverendIyaduraiSolomontookabunchof
usstudentstotheseashore.Therehepointedoutthebirds,andstandingbythe
sea,withtheroarofthewavesinourears,theharshcriesofcranesandseagulls
as they soared around us, he opened up a new world of aerodynamics,
aeronauticaldesignandjet-streamsandairflowstous.Iwasoneamongagroup
of fifteen year olds, and for me, it was perhaps the most important lesson in
sciencetillthen.Suddenly,whatformetillthenhadbeenamatteroffascination,
wasnowexplainedandmadeclear.ItwasasthoughIhadbeenlookingoutfrom
behind a cloudy glass window. Nowthe window had been thrown open andI
waslookingoutintotheworldwithwide-openeyes,thirstingtoknowmore.
As I made my way through school and then into college at St Joseph's,
Tiruchirapalli,thereweremanymoresuchmomentslyinginwaitforme.Ihad
realized early on that I needed to keep my mind and ears open, my brain
sharpenedandfocusedandtherewasnothingthatIcouldnotlearnorabsorbifit
came my way. At St Joseph's, when introduced to the concept of subatomic
physics by Professor Chinnadurai and Professor Krishnamurthy, I started
thinking for the first time about the hidden world of matter and decay that is
presentallaroundus.Ilearntabouthalf-lifeperiodsandtheradioactivedecayof
substances, and suddenly, the world seemed a lot different from the solid
certainties that had formed it earlier. I also got thinking about the so-called
dualitiesofscienceandspirituality.Weretheyreallyallthatdifferentfromeach
otherastheyweremadeouttobe?Ifatasubatomiclevelparticlescanbecome
unstable and disintegrate,how farwas itremoved fromthe state of all human
life? Science sought to provide answers to all natural phenomena, and
spiritualityhelpedusunderstandourplaceintheentireschemeoftheuniverse.
Whileonelookedatitthroughthesolidcertaintiesofmathematicsandformulae,
spiritualitydidsobyopeningupthemindandhearttoexperiencesandbygoing
deeper withinone's ownself. Hazily, it started gettingapparent tome that the
connections between what was becoming my world and the one my father
inhabitedwerenotthatfarremovedfromoneanother.
FromTiruchirapalliIwenttoMITtostudyaeronauticalengineering.Here,
thesightoftwodecommissionedaircraftreignitedmydesiretoknoweverything
about thefascinating worldof human flight. I wasdrawn towardsthem like a
moth toa flameand realized there was nocareer possible for me thatdid not
takemeintotherealmoftheseman-madeflyingobjects.AtMIT,threeteachers
shaped this desire and took it from a wish to the path of reality. They were
Professor Sponder, an Austrian who taught me technical aerodynamics,
ProfessorK.A.V.Pandalai,whotaughtaero-structuredesignandanalysis,and
ProfessorNarasinghaRao,whotaughtustheoreticalaerodynamics.
Thesethreeteachersshowedmejusthowfascinatingasubjectaeronauticsis.
Whatweperceiveasmovementandflowisbrokendownintocomponentsthat
explain how and why objects move in the air. I lost myself in exploring the
complexworldoffluiddynamics,modes ofmotion,shockwaves,shock-wave
drag and more. At the same time the structural features of aeroplanes became
clearertome,andIstudiedwithinfinitegustoallaboutbiplanes,monoplanes,
taillessplanesandmanyothersuchareasofstudy.
ThereweremanymomentsthatoccurredwhileIwasatMITwhenIfound
myselfavidlyexploringtheworldofscience.Allthiswashappeningataperiod
in the country's history when, starting from the prime minister himself—
Jawaharlal Nehru—great emphasis was being laid on the development of the
scientific temperament. All around me, especially in an educational institution
likeours,Iobservedthatwewerebeingencouragedtoleavebehindtraditional
waysofthinkingandembracethisnewclimate.Itwasbestifweusedscientific
methods in the pursuit of knowledge. Brought up as I was steeped in the
religious climate of Rameswaram, I found this very difficult to do. Instead, I
foundmyselfgivingshapetomyearlierglimmeringsoftheessentialonenessof
science and spirituality. I could not make myself acknowledge that sensory
perceptionsweretheonlysourceofknowledgeandtruth.Ihadbeenbroughtup
with the lesson thattrue reality lay beyond thematerial world,in the spiritual
realm, and that true knowledge lay in exploring the inner self. Now, I was
becoming more and more a part of another world—where proofs and
experiments and formulae held sway. Gradually I learnt to work out my own
standonthis,thoughittookmanyyearstocrystallize.
Finally,IemergedfromtheportalsofMITacertifiedengineer,yetIstillhad
tolearnalotabouttheworldofrocketsandmissilesthatweregoingtobewhere
mycareerlayinthefuture.AllIknewthenwasthatagreatbigworldlayopen
formetoexplore,andIwasdeterminedtodoasmuchofitfromhighup,way
upintheskies.
AftersomeyearsattheDTD&P(Air)whereIwaspartofvariousteamsthat
designedandbuiltsystemsrangingfromaverticallandingandtake-offplatform
to what was termed a Hot Cockpit, I found myself at the Aeronautical
DevelopmentEstablishment(ADE)inBangalore.Itwashere,Irealizenow,that
I had my first big opportunity at innovation and learning to build something
from scratch—this was to become a recurring pattern in my career. At ADE,
basedonmypreliminarystudiesonground-handlingequipment,itwasdecided
thatanindigenoushovercraftprototypeshouldbedesignedanddevelopedasa
Ground Equipment Machine (GEM). The director of ADE, Dr Mediratta, put
togetherasmallteamoffour,andtoldmetoheadit.
Itwas a massivechallengeforus. There wasneithermuchliterature on it,
nor a person who was experienced in this sort of technology whom we could
turntofor advice. There wereno pre-existingdesigns or standardcomponents
that we could use. In fact, there was nothing much the team had going for it,
otherthanknowingthatwehadtobuildasuccessfulflyingmachine.Itwasan
astoundingchallenge,Ithinknow,foragroupofengineerswhohadnotbuilta
machineever,leavealoneaflyingone.Weweregiventhreeyearstocomplete
theproject,andwespentthefirstfewmonthssimplyfloundering,tryingtofind
ourfeet.Thenat one point Idecidedthatwejustneededtogoaheadwiththe
availablehardwareandtakethingsastheycame.Despitethehugechallenge,it
wasalsoaprojectrightaftermyheartandfiredmyimaginationtoo.Wemoved
fromthedesignprocessintodevelopmentafterafewmonths.
Bynow,Iwasamuchmoreassertiveandconfidentindividual,yetmysmall-
townmiddle-classrootscouldneverleavemysoul.Pushedintoaworldwhere
oneneededtodirecttheworkofotherswhilefacingthequestionsanddoubtsof
seniorcolleagues,ithadthesameeffectonmeasanironthathasbeenforgedin
fire.Peoplelikeme,whoareintrinsicallyshy,withtheaddedqualityofcoming
fromadifferentbackgroundthanmycity-bredcolleagues,tendtoremainhidden
in the shadows unless something or someone pushes us centre stage. I
understoodthatIhadgotthatpushandwasdeterminedtouseallmyknowledge
andingenuitytomakethehovercraftprojectasuccess.Thereweremanywithin
theorganizationwhoquestionedtherelevanceoftheproject—oftheamountof
timeandmoneyitwasusingup.Theyquestionedmyroleinit,too.Butmyteam
andIjustputourheadsdownandcontinuedtowork.Slowly,stage-by-stage,the
prototype started to take shape. As had once happened when Professor
Srinivasan rejected my design work atMITand Iredid myentire workin the
spanof two nights,I againfound nowthatthemind is unbelievablyelastic. It
canexpandasmuchasyouletit,andonceitopensup,therearenobarriers—the
beliefinyourselfthatcomesasaresultissomethingnoonecantakeawayfrom
you.
TheprojectwaschristenedNandi,andhadtheblessingsofthethendefence
minister,V.K.KrishnaMenon.Hefirmlybelievedthatthiswasthebeginningof
the developmentof defenceequipment inIndia. He keenly followed ourwork
and after one year, when he inspected the progress we had made, he told Dr
MedirattathatKalamandhisteamaresuretosucceed.
Indeed,wedidsucceed.Beforeourthreeyearswereup,weproducedafully
working prototype and were ready to show it to the minister. Krishna Menon
flewintheNandiandIpilotedit—thoughhissecuritydetailwouldhavewished
otherwise—and I realized for the first time the sheer joy and exhilaration of
creatingsomething,basedonourknowledgeandteamwork,thatwasafirstfor
the country. Unfortunately, the story of Nandi does not have a happy ending.
Once Krishna Menon was out of office, his successors did not share his
optimismabouttheuseofthehovercraft.Itbecameacontroversialsubjectand
wasfinallyshelved.Ifanythingcouldbringmedowntoearthandshowmethat
sometimestheskywasnotthelimit,itwasthisrudelesson—thatoftenthereare
powersgreaterthanyourswhodictatetheconsequencesofyourwork.Myother
lessonwasthatwhilethereareareasthatIcannotinfluence,Icancertainlydo
my work to the best and to the most of my abilities, as finally that is all that
remains in one's hands. And who knows just where the consequences of our
actionslie?WhileIwasstilltryingtorecoverfromthedisappointmentofNandi
notbeingputtotheuseforwhichitwascreated,achainofeventsledProfessor
M.G.K. Menon of TIFR to come see it and question me about it. This finally
ended with me going to work for INCOSPAR as a rocket engineer, under the
directionofDrVikramSarabhai.
AfterIwenttoworkatINCOSPARandthenISRO,Iwasentrustedwiththe
development of various types of rockets and space vehicles, ranging from
sounding rockets to rocket payloads to satellite launch vehicles. It was Dr
Sarabhai's vision to develop India's space programme as one where various
developmentalworkhappenedconcurrently,andIwasfortunatetobeapartofa
number of such projects. However, theone that I regard as my mostcomplex
challenge has to be the development of the SLV. I was leading a mammoth
projectofdevelopingalaunchvehiclethatwouldputsatellitesintoorbit.Ithad
thepotentialtonotonlyenhanceourpositionasatechnology-drivennation,it
would also generate revenues for us by providing launch facilities to other
countries who wished to use the SLV to put their satellites into orbit. I have
describedindetailmyjourneyinthebuildingofSLVinmybook,WingsofFire.
It was an extraordinarily difficult journey on account of many factors. There
were the invariable complications that arise when a project of this size is
developed.Weweregivenabudget—bothintermsoftimeandresource—andit
was myresponsibility tosee that we achieved theresult withinthat budget. It
was also a time of great personal stress for me. For within the space of three
years Ilost three dearones—Ahmed Jalalluddin, my father and my mother. It
wasonlybydrowningmyselfinmyworkandkeepingmymindfirmlyfocused
ontheendresultthatweneededtodeliverthatIwasabletobringtheprojectto
fruition.
If I am asked now as to what were the biggest lessons I learnt in the
developmentofthe SLV,Iwillsay there arethree aspects.There wasthefirst
revelation to me about the role of science and technology, research and
engineeringinthedevelopmentofacountry.Inthenumberofteamsthatwere
working on theSLVthere werescientists, researchers andengineers. Whodid
whatandwhere—asateamleader,Iwasmeanttodrawlinesandgivedirection.
I learnt that science is open-ended and exploratory. That it sets out to find
answerslikeatravellergoesonavoyage.Itis,infact,avoyageintoallthatis
possibleandallthatwillonedaybeexplainedandmadepossible.Scienceisa
joyandpassion.Development,ontheotherhand,isaclosedloop.Ittakesthe
workdone byscientistsandmovesitafewstepsfurther.Itdoesnotallowfor
mistakesandexploration.Infact,itusesmistakesformakingmodificationsand
upgradations. So where the scientists showed us the way and opened up
possibilities that enabled us to build an indigenously designed and developed
launchvehicle,theengineerskeptusonthepathofresults,giventhetimeand
resourceswehadonhand.Foraprojectofthisnaturetosucceed,itneededall
thesepartstoworkintandemandinsync,likethepiecesofanorchestra.
Thesecondlessonthatcametomewasaboutthenatureofcommitment.In
thoseyears,whileImyselfthoughtoflittleelseotherthantheproject,therewere
manyotherslikemewhoputintremendousamountsofhardworkandpassion
intoit.Yet,morevaluablewordsofwisdomonthiswereneversaidtomethan
those by Wernher von Braun. A giant in the field of rocketry, von Braun had
developedtheV-2missilesthatdestroyedLondonduringWorldWarII.Later,he
was inducted into NASA's rocketry programme, where he created the Jupiter
missilethatwasthefirstmissilewithahighrange.Hewasascientist,designer,
engineer,administratorandatechnologymanager.Hewas,indeed,thefatherof
modernrocketry. Ihad the privilegeof flying withhimwhen hevisitedIndia,
whenIreceivedhimatChennaiandescortedhimtoThumba.Hiswordstome
aboutthewholenatureofourworkarestillingrainedinmymind.'Youshould
always remember that we don't just build on successes, we also build on
failures.' On the inevitable hard work and dedication required by those in our
professionhesaid,'Hardworkisnotenoughinrocketry.Itisnotasportwhere
mere hard work can fetch you honours. Here, not only do you have to have a
goal,butyoualsoneedstrategiestoachieveitasfastaspossible.
'Total commitment is not just hard work, it is total involvement. It is also
aboutsettingagoal.Itishavingagoalinfrontofyouthatmakesadifferenceto
the final outcome of your hard work.' And these words, that I believe I did
follow: 'Donot make rocketry your profession, your livelihood—make ityour
religion,yourmission.'AtthattimeinlifeIputeverythingotherthantheSLV
projectonhold.Ialsolearnttomanagestress.Itisthewayyourmindhandles
thedifficultiesthatarestrewninthepathofyourgoalthatdeterminestheresult.
Itrulybelieveweneedthesedifficultiesinordertoenjoythefinalsuccessofany
mission.
And this leads on to my third lesson from the SLV project—the ability to
deal with setbacks and learn from them. It is now well known that the first
experimentalflighttrialoftheSLV-3endedindisaster—thevehicleplungedinto
thesea.Stage1performedperfectly.Itwasatthesecondstagethatthingswent
out of control. The flight was terminated after 317 seconds and the vehicle's
remains,includingthefourthstagewiththepayload,splashedintothesea,560
kilometresoffSriharikota.
I was numbed beyond belief at the turn of events. Yes, I had experienced
failures and setbacks earlier, but this, coming at the end of years of back-
breakinghardwork,wasdifficulttoabsorb.Ihadnoanswersasthethoughtkept
racingroundandroundinmyhead—'Whatwentwrong?'Iwasattheendofmy
physical capabilities as I had been putting up with enormous stress and now,
whenallofithadcometonought,therewasnothingIcouldsaytomyselforto
thosearoundmethatmadeanysense.Finally,allIcouldthinkofwassleep.I
hadtosleep,Itoldmyself,beforeIcouldgoanyfurtheronthispathofanalysis.
I remember I must have slept for many hours, and was awoken gently by Dr
BrahmPrakash.Hewasthenmyboss,butatthetimehecametomeonlyasan
elder,withconcern.Hewokemeupandmademeaccompanyhimtothemess
forameal.Weatetogetherandallthetimehegavemesolacebynotutteringa
single word about the launch. The analysis and the rebuilding of the mission
wouldcomelater.Atthatmomentintimewewerejusttwomen,tiredbeyond
belief,yetknowingthatwhatwehadcreatedwouldnotcometowaste.Weknew
we had more mountains to climb and higher peaks to conquer in the days to
come,butrightthenhetookmeunderhiswingsanddidwhataparentwoulddo
toachildafterhehaslostthatcovetedrace—givehimfood,lethimrestandlet
himthinkwherethenextsteplies.
Andthat was perhapsthemost important lessonIlearnt from SLV-3.That
humaneness,generosityandunderstandingcanneverletyoudown.Attheendof
theday,whengoalshavebeensetandmapped,whenthepathhasbeentraversed
andobstaclesmetheadon,itisonlythevaluesofhumanitythatwillbringtrue
succour. To be able to be gentle and forgiving, compassionate and kind are
finallyallweneedtobeintimestocome,whetherwedevelopmissilesorteach
inaschool;whetherweholdhighofficesorareparentsbringingupchildrenin
thisconfusingworldofours.
Myjourneyintotheworldofsciencegoesonmuchfurtherfromhere—from
ISROI moved toDRDO, where Iwaspart of theteamsthat built India'sfirst
indigenousmissilesystems—thePrithvi,Trishul,NagandAgni.Howtheywere
builtandthepathstheyledusonIhavechronicledearliertoo.Whileworkingon
them,notonlydidIunderstandandassimilatetheknowledgeaboutnewareasof
science and rocketry, I also learnt to innovate, to lead more effectively, to
communicateandtoabsorbbothsetbacksandsuccesses.
WhydoIneedtotellthesestories?PerhapsbecauseIfeelthatinthediverse
rangeofsubjectsandpeopleIhavedealtwith,Ihaveencounteredalmostevery
aspectoflifethatcanbebewildering.Iworkedmywaythroughthem,andifin
myrecountingIcanhelpothersinsimilarsituationsunderstandthevagariesof
life,thenIwillbelievethatthisjourneyofminehasbeenlivednotjustforme
butforcountlessotherstoo.
Iamawellinthisgreatland
Lookingatitsmillionsofboysandgirls
Todrawfromme
Theinexhaustibledivinity
AndspreadHisgraceeverywhere
Asdoesthewaterdrawnfromawell.
his clutch of stories consists of little vignettes of my life that touch upon
momentsandpeople,timeandplacesthathaveleftadeepimpactuponme.
Needlesstosay,whenonebeginstorememberandrecountsuchmomentsfrom
one'slife—andifithasbeenasfullandbusyasmine—therearehundredsmore
that can be told. In my mind, my years as the scientific adviser to the
Government of India when India conducted its second nuclear test, my
retirementanddedicationtoteachingthereafterandmyyearsasthePresidentof
India,allholdstoriesofinnumerablechallengesandlearning.
AsIsteppedfurtherandfurtherintotheglareofthemediawiththelaunchof
Agniandsubsequentevents,IhadtodrawfromthelessonsIlearntearlyinlife
todealwithallsortsofdecisionsandconundrums.Myprioritiesandaimsalso
underwent subtle changes. Whereas earlier I was involved more with
implementing and doing, now I entered a more reflective periodwhen I spent
time thinking, writing and talking with people from all walks of life. As the
years went by, I found that my great interest now lay in interacting more and
morewiththeyouthofthecountry.Iwentontowriteanumberofbookswhich
were successful, perhaps because the readers recognized them to be mission
statements of a man who saw a certain vision of India for the year 2020, and
whowastryingtoworkonthevisionandarticulateittothecountryatthesame
time. My work on my books, India 2020, Wings of Fire, Ignited Minds and
others have been deeply satisfying for the great enthusiasm with which they
werereceivedbythereadingpublicofthecountry.
WhileIexpressedmyvisionanddreamforthecountrythroughmylectures,
interactions,articlesandbooks,Ialsobecameinterestedinmanyotherareasof
technology.Ihadtheuniqueexperienceinthe1990sofhelpingtoformulatethe
India Vision 2020 strategies. I was given the task of chairing the Technology
Information,ForecastingandAssessmentCouncil(TIFAC).Inthefirstmeeting
ofthecouncilitselfwetookadecisionthatTIFACmustevolveaplanonhow
India can be transformed into an economically developed nation by the year
2020.Atatimewhentheeconomywasgrowingataround5to6percentper
annum in GDP, we had to envisage a growth rate of at least 10 per cent per
annum consistently for over ten years if the development vision of a billion
peoplewastobefulfilled.Thistaskreallyignitedthemindsofallofusinthe
council.Wedebatedandarrivedatseventeentaskteamswithover500members,
whohadconsultationswithover5,000peopleinvarioussectorsoftheeconomy.
Committeesworkedforovertwoyears,resultingintwenty-fivereportsthatwe
presented to the then prime minister of India on 2 August 1996. This is an
excellentexampleofhowdifferentdepartmentsandorganizationsworkedinan
integrated way for national development. While our work at TIFAC was
progressing,Ialsostudiedwhatwasbeingdoneinthefieldsofagricultureand
informationtechnologywithalotofinterest,andthatbecameanabidingpassion
for me. As I travelled all over the country meeting students and teachers,
administratorsandofficials,Iunderstoodthatworkingonavisionwasonlythe
first part of my work. Only when one can express the mission, explain it and
debateaboutitdoesthevisionacquirelife.Idecidedtodojustthatbytalkingto
people wherever I went, about the need to make India a knowledge-based
society,acountrywheretechnologybringsempowerment,yetatthesametime
wecontinuetoacknowledgeanddevelopourspiritualdimensions.
MytermasthePresidentofIndia,from2002to2007,Inowlookbackonas
onelonglessoninunderstandingthewonderthatisIndia.Themediagaveme
thenamePeople'sPresident,whichwaspickedupbymanyacrossthecountry.
AndImustsayIwashappytobereferredtoassuch.WhenIstartedmytenure,I
was very sure that I intended to spend as much time as possible touring this
endlessly complex and fascinating country that is ours. I wanted to see how
peoplelivedindifferentparts,theenvironmentthatformedtheirlives,whattheir
problemsareandhowthesewerebeingsolved—orweretheybeingsolvedatall.
It wassaid thatas President of the country,I toured it more thanperhaps any
otherbeforeme.FromtheslopesofSiachentothebeautifulnortheasternstates,
from the far western regions of the country to the deep south, I went almost
everywhere except Lakshwadeep (which will remain a regret). I travelled by
road, by air and even by rail on three occasions, when the old presidential
railway carriage was refurbished and upgraded with modern facilities like
satellitemapping,andIhavetosayIsawthecountryfromallkindsofangles,
forwhichIwillbeeternallygrateful.
What did I learn from the hundreds, no, millions of men, women and
childrenthatImetintheseyears?Ilearntthatasasocietywearetrainedtonot
questionthestatusquo.Itrequiresalotofcoaxingandencouragementtomake
eventheyoungpeopleImetinschoolstoopenupandasktheirquestions.Atthe
sametime,thisdoesnotmeanthatthequestionsarenotthere.Theyarewaiting,
bubbling at the surface. Once the gates are opened, the dams burst forth with
eagerness and inquisitiveness. I have been asked questions on science,
technology, space, the arts and I have been asked questions on why I have
remainedabachelorandwhyIwearmyhairthewayIdo!ToeachquestionI
triedtogiveananswer—onethatwaswellthoughtout,sincereandasdetailed
aspossible.IalsotoldthemthatImyselfamstillverymuchaseeker.Icameto
themasmuchtospeakanddebateastoseektheanswersthatIwaslookingfor
myself.IunderstoodthenwhatitmeanstobeanIndian,whatitmeanstobea
manorawomaninthiscountry,howeachoneofusshapesthesocietywhilewe
eachliveourlives,andwhatcanonedowiththisunderstanding.
Theyearsofmypresidencyalsohaditsshareofpoliticalupheavals,whichI
havewrittenaboutinmylastbook,TurningPoints.Astheconstitutionalheadof
the country, I became intricately involved in the democraticprocess. The way
Parliament and other institutions functioned, and how the President can bring
aboutchangesintheareasofhisinfluencewerethoughtsthatpreoccupiedalot
ofmytime.
AftermytermasPresidentwasover,Ihappilyreturnedtomyearlierlifeof
teachingandlecturingthattookmealloverthecountryandabroad.Ifpossible,I
was perhaps as busy, if not more, as I worked tirelessly to push my favourite
projects,India2020andProvidingUrbanAmenitiesinRuralAreas(PURA).I
have continued to meet students, pursued research in universities in India and
abroad,andcontributedmyviewsonnationalissues.Ivisitremoteareasinorder
totalktostudentsthereandgivethemalargervisionfortheirfuture.Theyoften
questionmeonmanythings—fromwhatsubjectstheyshouldstudyinthehigher
classestoinfrastructuralissuesintheirtownsanddistricts.
Thisbook, however,is not meanttobe a linearaccountof mylife. Ihave
donethatearlier.Thislittlebookislikea resting placeonalongandwinding
road. It is that spot you spy on the highway where you veer away from the
onrushingtraffictostopandwatchtherestoftheworldpassbywhileyoumull
overthejourneyyouhavetakensofar.Itisperhapsalittlestoponthetrainthat
I took from Madras to Dehra Dun once upon a time, when I saw the country
from the southern tip to the northern reaches for the first time. This time,
however,myeyesarenotfocusedonthedestinationalone.Icanturnbackand
wonderatthemagicalbeginningoflife—Icanseemyfatherwalkinghomewith
his coconuts, his mind alight with prayer; I can follow the movements of my
mother'shandsasshepreparesthechutneysandsambarandriceforthedayfor
usandasshebeckonsmetocomesitbyheronthekitchenfloor;Icanclosemy
eyesandheartheroarofwavesandthecrashingofthewindagainstthetreesas
the cyclones strike Rameswaram; I can still feel the tiredness in my legs and
arms after a day that began and ended with delivering newspapers and then
collecting the money for them. I can also hear voices and words as clearly as
though they werespoken yesterday.I canhear my fathertell me,'I know you
have to go away to grow. Does the seagull not fly across the sun, alone and
withoutanest?Youmustforegoyourlongingforthelandofyourmemoriesto
moveintothedwellingplaceofyourgreaterdesires;ourlovewillnotbindyou,
norwillourneedsholdyou.'
Atthisrestful spot Ican stopand waitfor myco-travellerstowalkby me
onemoretime.FromPakshiLakshmanaSastrygal,ReverendIyaduraiSolomon,
Ahmed Jalalluddin to Dr Vikram Sarabhai, Professor Satish Dhawan and Dr
Brahm Prakash, I think of many others like them who deeply influenced me,
mouldedandshapedmythoughtsandintellect.Whiletellingtheirstories,their
presencehasbecomemoredeeplyfeltthaneverbeforeforme.Thegermination
ofthoughtsplantedinmysoulbythesepeoplehascontinuedyearsaftertheyleft
myside.WhenIhavesharedthesewithyou,myreader,Ihopesomeseedshave
beenplantedinyourmindstoo,thewaytheyoncecametome.Thistransferof
thoughtsandideas,idealsandprinciplesisapartofthecirclethatislife.
Hardworkandpiety,studyandlearning,compassionandforgiveness—these
have been the cornerstones of my life. I have now shared with the world the
roots of these features. In fact, any life that has been lived to the full, when
talked about with others, is a treasure house ofthoughts and feelings that add
lustretothewonderthatislife.Intheprocess,iftheyalsogivemyreaderswings
andhelpthemtofiretheirdreams,IbelieveIwouldhaveplayedmysmallpart
intheschemeoflifethatdestinyplacedmein.
acknowledgements
MyJourneyisindeedanaccountofalifefullofevents.Fornearlytwenty-two
years,myfriend,Harry Sheridon, has beenwith me and becomepart of many
eventsastheyunfolded.Withme,hehasseenmanyhappytimesaswellasthose
filledwithproblems.Throughthickandthin,Sheridonhasalwaysbeenwithme
andhas beenofgreatassistanceinwhateverIdo.MayGodblesshimandhis
family.IwouldliketothankSudeshnaShomeGhoshofRupaPublications,who
waswithmefromconception,designtotheshapingofthebook.Shehasbeen
followingupcontinuously,withperseverance,inbringingitout.Igreetherfor
herefforts.