The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula – Episode 17 Published May

The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula – Episode 17

Published May 2

, 2024

Listen here on mcelroy.family

[opening theme music plays]

Dracula: Ah, secret keeper of my most profane, most fucked up

thoughts.

Justin: [wheezes]

Dracula: The date is June 6

, 1666. I have a new favorite food. King

blood. Some dork named Arthur rode up on me with two dozen of his

strongest idiots, and I just wasted those dudes. For the first time, one of

my conquered foes actually dropped some pretty good loot.

Travis: [chuckles]

Justin: [wheezes]

Dracula: A bejeweled sword he called Scalibur.

Justin: [wheezes]

Dracula: This puppy‘s throbbing with more holy power than the Shroud

of fucking Turin.

Justin: [laughs]

Dracula: I‘m half tempted to yeet it into the Stranglemire, but…

Justin: [laughs]

Dracula: Well… Maybe one day I‘ll find a use for it. Oh, and I got a nose

piercing at the mall.

Travis, Justin & Clint: [cackle]

Dracula: Finally, my exterior reflects the obsidian black emptiness of my

soul. Doing a poetry reading at the Were House tonight, wish me luck.

Clint: [laughs]

[Versus Dracula theme music plays]

Clint: [laughs] The irony of Dracula being a goth kid.

Justin: It‘s really good.

Clint: It‘s really good.

Travis: Well, it started so— Wait, Dad. You know it started somewhere,

right?

Clint: Yeah, I know!

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: Like goth—

Griffin: Goth came from somewhere, it didn‘t just—

Justin: He didn‘t like invent— He like invented it.

Griffin: Yes.

Clint: I know.

Travis: Like vampire culture led to goth, right? You get that, right?

Clint: [chuckles] Oh, I get that.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: As established by Lady Godwin [chuckles] in the last episode, the

year is 18-something, so that was a journal entry form a while ago, not

that you guys know that, because you haven‘t found his journal yet.

That‘s the—

Travis: I‘m lookin‘ for it.

Griffin: That‘s the— Keep an eye out, you guys actually haven‘t been

looking for it. You‘ve passed it a few times.

Travis: Damnit.

Griffin: And I‘ve had to—

Justin: Goddamnit.

Griffin: — move it from place to place. You all are standing now at the

edge of the spine bridge, where you have just offed a few guards and

many, many, many rats.

Before a incredible acrobatic maneuver that saved Brother Phileaux, but

as he was reeled up, as all of you sort of landed back on the landing here,

you have hauled up also the living skull of King Arthur.

Clint: [sighs]

Travis: Now Griffin, let me ask you a question.

Griffin: Please.

Travis: I, Travis McElroy, know who King Arthur is.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Does— Do—

Justin: Uh-huh.

Travis: Does Mutt?

Justin: Uh-huh.

Travis: And Phileaux and Lady Godwin know who King Arthur is?

Justin: We were all wondering it.

Griffin: You— Yeah. Yeah, I mean you all know… You would know who— I

mean I guess if you wanna roll a History check. I‘m saying he‘s the most

famous sort of king.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: In the history of this world.

Clint: I‘ll make—

Griffin: You would definitely have heard of his legend. He is also, just for

us, another delectable, rich vein of public domain character for us to

explore, which is the main reason for his inclusion here.

Clint: I have plus three in History, would you like me to roll?

Griffin: Sure sure sure, give me a roll.

Clint: Okay.

[sound of die rolling]

Clint: 22.

Griffin: Yeah, a couple centuries ago he disappeared, with all of his

Knights of the Round Table. Before that he was a very well-known figure

in the world. I‘d say with a 22, your connection with the church would tell

you that the quest he was on, I think your order would consider like a

religious quest.

He was off with his Knights of the Round Table to vanquish some

incredible dark entity, the nature of which has not really ever been known

to history.

Travis: Until now.

Griffin: Until now.

Crawford: Hell yeah, man. King Arthur, dude. That‘s cool as shit.

King Arthur: I would like—

Griffin: Oh wait, what‘s he sound like? He sounds like Nigel Thornberry,

let me get back there. Let me get back into Nigel.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: Okay, is Nigel with us?

Clint: Nigel?

King Arthur: Smashing!

Clint: [wheezes]

Griffin: Yes, okay.

Justin: [snorts]

King Arthur: Yes, surely you are familiar with me and my exploits with

the Knights of the Round Table, Excalibur, dragons, all of it.

Crawford: Yeah, man.

King Arthur: Sometimes there‘s dragons in the legend of lore.

Lady Godwin: That‘s—

King Arthur: Sometimes there‘s not.

Crawford: That‘s cool.

King Arthur: They were mostly— they were large— They were big

lizards.

Crawford: Yeah.

Lady Godwin: Where is the rest of you? And I do mean that personally

and collectively.

King Arthur: Well if you‘re asking about the rest of my body, it was

smashed by this big furry man, who swung down and hit me to hard that

I turned from a skeleton into a bunch of loose bones. Let me tell you!

There‘s a lot of bones down there. It‘s going to be quite hard to identify

your pelvis. Could you pick your pelvis out of a lineup?

Crawford: I think I could.

Lady Godwin: I think so.

King Arthur: You probably could do so, large lady, that‘s incredible, but.

Lady Godwin: I used to be able to, I had a great sense of pelvis.

King Arthur: Yes.

Lady Godwin: But I feel like I‘m just getting the hang of this one.

King Arthur: Yes, well if you‘re asking about the rest of my crew, they

are regrettably still down below.

Griffin: And you hear like two dozen voices yell like.

Knight: [in a British accent] Hello!

Crawford: Oh.

Griffin: Up from the gulch below.

Crawford: Oh man, that‘s perfect. This— Okay, listen. Hear me out here,

man. We‘re here investigating Dracula.

King Arthur: Yes.

Crawford: And there‘s like some Buried Blood bad boys, as they‘re

called. Buried Blood—

King Arthur: Is that what they‘re calling themselves now?

Crawford: The bad boys.

Clint: Yes.

Crawford: And you got your knights down there, we‘ll throw a rope

down, we‘ll get you all up here, we got ourselves a skeletal army. Face off

against the bad boys and Dracula and all that, man.

King Arthur: Can you… comprehend, can your mind, your feeble human

mind—

Crawford: Okay.

King Arthur: — comprehend how many bones are in a human body?

Crawford: Yeah, it‘s like 300.

Brother Phileaux: 316?

King Arthur: That‘s not as— I don‘t think that‘s— I think that‘s more

actually than there are actually. So you guys actually overshot it, which I

was not expecting.

Crawford: I was just rounding up, man.

Lady Godwin: I— Let— I— Hold on, let me think on it. Skull. Neck.

Crawford: Mm-hmm.

Lady Godwin: Ribs, gotta be 10.

Crawford: Neck, back.

Lady Godwin: Now we‘re already at 12. Arm.

Crawford: Pelvis and crack.

Lady Godwin: Arm is two, ‗cause it bends.

Crawford: Yeah.

Brother Phileaux: Funny bone, don‘t forget the funny bone.

Lady Godwin: Four.

Crawford: I think that‘s a nerve.

Lady Godwin: I‘m at at least 20 bones.

King Arthur: There‘s like— There‘s a couple hundred of them, and

there‘s 26 of us total. Can you even comprehend how many bones that is

and how long it would take you to pull them up.

Crawford: Yeah.

King Arthur: And to identify which ones are the bones of the 26 men!

Crawford: So you‘re saying it‘s 26 times what? Let‘s just say 300 to

round up, right? So that‘s—

King Arthur: That‘s too many bones!

Crawford: I mean it‘s 7800?

King Arthur: Has human evolution changed over the last 200 years?

Crawford: 7800.

Brother Phileaux: [mumbles] I think I‘ve got it. 112 total bones.

Crawford: But if they— But the— Okay. They gotta stick together in

some way, man.

Brother Phileaux: Oh.

Crawford: So if we throw the rope down and the hand bone grabs it,

hand bone‘s connected to the arm bone, the arm bone‘s connected to the

shoulder bone, right?

Justin: [snorts]

Crawford: We‘ll be able to pull it— We don‘t have to pull up—

King Arthur: It doesn‘t work like that.

Lady Godwin: Oh no.

Crawford: How does it work?!

King Arthur: Well, you need a skull connected to the other bones to

make the bones work. That‘s basic doctor shit. And so you can‘t have a

hand bone connect to itself or to something else without a juicy skull first,

so you‘ll have to throw me down there. What did you say, 7000 times?!

Justin: [wheezes]

Crawford: Well no, but you can‘t daisy chain it together?

King Arthur: Bones are heavy!

Justin: [wheezes]

King Arthur: And I have no muscles, sir!

Crawford: Okay. Yeah man, I understand. So listen, you‘ve been here for

a while, right?

Lady Godwin: Mm.

King Arthur: Apparently for over 200 years.

Crawford: Yeah, quite some time. You must‘ve seen some shit, right?

King Arthur: Mostly bones for the last 200 years or so.

Justin: [wheezes]

Crawford: Now listen man, yeah we get it, bones.

Justin: [laughs]

Crawford: Man, come on.

Brother Phileaux: We get— We‘re closing the chapter on bones.

Crawford: Yeah, man.

Brother Phileaux: Just for a moment. We‘ll get back to it.

Crawford: Let‘s start here.

King Arthur: Oh!

Crawford: Let‘s start here!

King Arthur: Would that I could. Oh, yeah.

Crawford: Okay, when you got here 200 some years ago, right? How did

you end up bones? You love talkin‘ about that here at the bottom of this

here chasm.

King Arthur: How does anyone end up bones?

Crawford: Oh my god. No, it‘s not— I don‘t wanna get— I mean like

how‘d you die?

King Arthur: I was killed… by a mighty wizard, by the name of Dracula.

He—

Crawford: A wizard?! Shit.

King Arthur: What‘s wrong?

Crawford: I just didn‘t know he—

King Arthur: Sir, you have heard of the archwizard Dracula. He— You‘re

telling me he yet breathes.

Crawford: I just said— I said not two minutes ago we was here

investigating Dracula.

King Arthur: Oh, I wasn‘t listening.

Crawford: Okay.

Justin: [snorts]

Crawford: Didn‘t bring your—

King Arthur: I‘m the king, I‘ve got a lot of stuff going on!

Crawford: Yeah, we didn‘t get your ear bones up here, I guess.

King Arthur: Yes.

Clint: [chuckles]

King Arthur: Yes, I came— Well, me and my order came to slay the foul,

evil demon who has imbued himself within the loam of this land.

Lady Godwin: Hmm.

King Arthur: And as it just so happens, Dracula… the mighty wizard, the

dark sorcerer Dracula, he was very strong. You would think 26 of us, and

I had a very cool sword that had holy power and made me the king. So I

thought surely this‘ll go— No. It went bop bop.

Lady Godwin: What‘d— Was it—

King Arthur: Like bubble wrap he popped off.

Lady Godwin: Scalibur?

King Arthur: What‘s that?

Lady Godwin: Scalibur?

King Arthur: Excalibur.

Lady Godwin: Excalibur. You‘ll be happy to hear your legend continues

even to this day. We know of you, even the name of your blade.

King Arthur: Oh.

Crawford: I did think it was Scalibur.

King Arthur: It sounded like you said ―Scalibur.‖

Crawford: That‘s what I thought it was.

Lady Godwin: I—

Crawford: That‘s what it‘s written in the book.

Lady Godwin: — thought—

Justin: Hey.

Brother Phileaux: Kids today.

Justin: Here‘s something we can talk about. I thought you had

established in this world it‘s called Scalibur.

Griffin: [giggles]

Justin: ‗Cause the first source of the saying it was Dracula.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: And he said ―Scalibur.‖ So.

Griffin: He did say Scalibur.

Justin: I think it‘s called Scalibur, and—

Griffin: Here‘s what— Let‘s pick this up—

Justin: — Arthur is confused.

Griffin: Let‘s pick this up in the show.

King Arthur: You know, language changes very rapidly with the

advancement of technology. It‘s possible that you all have short— history

has shortened the name to ―Scalibur.‖

Crawford: It‘s cooler that way, man, when you think about it.

Lady Godwin: Trips off the tongue.

King Arthur: It sounds like a bone.

Crawford: Yeeeah, the Scalibur bone.

Brother Phileaux: Your majesty.

King Arthur: Thank you.

Brother Phileaux: What happened…

Justin: [laughs]

Brother Phileaux: To Scalibur?

Justin: [wheezes]

Clint: Do you know where…? Is it down amongst the bones, so to speak?

Or?

King Arthur: Well, the human head… can survive for like 20 seconds

after its removal from the body, which I— Scalibur was used ironically, I

think, by Dracula to behead me.

Lady Godwin: Oh! [chuckles with polite delight]

King Arthur: And then I saw him look at it like, ―Pretty cool,‖ and so

then I assume he must‘ve held onto it. Ah, that is his corrupted fingers

could even hold that beautiful holy blade defies logic, but yes, it‘s

probably in his posse— It‘s got jewels and stuff on it and technically—

Crawford: So—

King Arthur: — I think Dracula‘s the King of England, ‗cause he‘s got it

now.

Lady Godwin: What— So out of curiosity, did you get an opportunity to

use the sword on… on Dracula at all?

King Arthur: Oh yeah.

Lady Godwin: And did you notice—

King Arthur: Oh yah, baby.

Lady Godwin: — any of its— notice any effects?

King Arthur: Oh yeah. Oh yes, baby. It went so good. I—

Justin: [wheezes]

King Arthur: It was a close one, I‘ll say, a real nail biter.

Lady Godwin: But did it seem to magically sort of—

King Arthur: Almost got him. Ooph, so close.

Lady Godwin: Magically burn him, or was it sort of—?

King Arthur: I tell yah, the winds shift a little bit, and that battle

would‘ve gone in my direction, so close was the combat.

Crawford: Can I jump back real quick, ‗cause what I‘m confused about is

you‘re talkin‘ about what you were aware of after your head got cut off as

you died.

King Arthur: Yes.

Crawford: So does that mean that there was a time where you died.

King Arthur: Yes.

Crawford: Then you weren‘t aware as a skeleton. And maybe your

skeleton got magical over time.

Justin: [laughs]

Crawford: And then you became aware of stuff.

King Arthur: Are— You‘re suggesting a world in which your skeleton

could become aware while still inside of your living body.

Crawford: Wasn‘t living!

King Arthur: What a horrible—

Justin: [wheezes]

Crawford: I‘m saying, when did life after death begin?

Justin: Okay, I wanna know why— I was asking if Excalibur seemed to

have magical effects on Dracula.

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Yeah, make an Insight— You make an Insight check.

Justin: That seems important, in a way.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: [cackles]

Justin: And then—

Travis: But then not understanding when the skeleton gains sentience?

That doesn‘t matter to you?

Justin: This is not.

Griffin: Travis posing a good question.

Justin: This seems like metaphorical at best, like it‘s just simply not— It‘s

all from Griffin, you know? [chuckles]

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Wait, what?

Griffin: Make an Insight—

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Make an Insight check.

Travis: Wait, hold on! The art has just fallen down around me.

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: I know, this—

Travis: Griffin‘s making this up?!

Griffin: That‘s right.

Justin: I‘ll make an Insight check.

Griffin: Me and my team of writers.

Justin: I mean he wrote it down, he‘s reading it out of the big book that

he— The 10,000 page—

Griffin: Every fuckin‘ word, man.

Justin: — world tome. [chuckles] Insight check, it‘s comin‘ atcha.

[sound of die rolling]

Justin: We got 15 plus three, 18.

Clint: Nice.

Griffin: This dude‘s lying through his teeth. This dude did not get a

fuckin‘ scratch off on Dracula.

Justin: [laughs] Okay, yeah.

Griffin: Dracula fuckin‘ destroyed this dude, and his 25 friends. Not even

close. His teeth are chattering as he‘s telling you this. Clear—

Justin: Is he cold?

Griffin: Clearly this fib— What‘s that?

Justin: Is he cold?

Griffin: He‘s probably cold, yeah. I mean, he‘s bones.

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: How‘s he gettin‘ around?

Travis: No skin on, man. He‘s cold as shit.

Griffin: Right now he‘s not. You just punched him off of his sort of like

upper half, and so that‘s— He‘s not moving.

Justin: Wait, so his upper half is still in here?

Griffin: Yeah, it‘s still up here on the landing.

Justin: Okay, can I reattach that?

Griffin: Yeah sure.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: As you get the skull close to his upper half it snaps on, almost

magnetically magically. And he hoists himself up, sort of now just sort of

chilling on his ribcage.

King Arthur: Thank you. This is much more dignified!

Lady Godwin: Of course.

King Arthur: So um… Did you guys need something, or?

Griffin: [laughs]

Crawford: Yeah man! How do we— Can you offer us any useful

information whatsoever as far as how to beat Dracula, how to beat Buried

Blood, which direction to head, so as not to get trampled by rats, I guess?

King Arthur: I mean, if I could not defeat Dracula.

Crawford: Okay.

King Arthur: With all my boys. I‘m talkin‘ Lancelot.

Crawford: Uh-huh. Lancelittle.

King Arthur: Lancelittle.

Clint: Lancesome.

King Arthur: Lancesome. Funky Mike.

Griffin: [snorts]

Clint: [wheezes]

King Arthur: Twizzlers.

Justin: [giggles] [claps]

Crawford: B-boy.

King Arthur: B-boy, B-boy Jr.

Griffin: [chuckles]

King Arthur: Knife Guy.

Griffin: [chuckles]

Crawford: DJ Thumbs Sr.

King Arthur: DJ Thu— And the whole fucking set.

Clint: [chuckles]

King Arthur: I don‘t know why you think you can ta— accomplish this.

One of you is a puppet!

Crawford: Okay, so cool man.

King Arthur: But I will say, I don‘t think he can be killed.

Crawford: Cool.

King Arthur: I don‘t think he can be defeated, so terrible is the source of

his power that the foul—

Lady Godwin: But you didn‘t try your incredible magic sword?

King Arthur: Oh I tried it! And I got him good. Over and over again.

Lady Godwin: Okay. Alright.

King Arthur: His gross blood—

Lady Godwin: Okay.

King Arthur: — just jizzing out like nobody‘s business.

Lady Godwin: Oh my— Thank you.

Crawford: Do you know what that source of po— You mentioned a

source of power. What‘s that source of power?

King Arthur: You‘re kidding, right?

Griffin: He points back— He gestures now backwards with his skeletal

arm back to the gigantic fucking spine in the ground. He was like—

King Arthur: You dwell incredibly close to… Do you not know? Has time

truly erased this?

Crawford: Yes.

King Arthur: Over the last two centuries?

Crawford: Sure man, yeah.

Lady Godwin: Believe it.

Griffin: Make a Religion check, Brother Phileaux. A very high one, I think,

to see if this extremely arcane knowledge would be known to you. Let‘s

say DC 20.

[sound of die rolling]

Clint: [cackles]

Travis: What‘d you get?

Justin: What‘d you do? What‘d you get?

Clint: 20.

Griffin: Nice.

Justin: Wow.

Clint: Dirty 20.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Of all the moments in— on this historical check. [wheezes]

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: Thank god.

Clint: [chuckles]

Griffin: I think that in preparation for this mission, you did a little bit of

research into the general scariness of Engrave, as a region of this world

that appears to be touched by dark magics sort of beyond understanding.

Travis: Mm-hmm.

Griffin: In your research, you found many sort of sources claiming that

that is the work of a— or demon of some sort, or archdemon. When he

starts talking about this, it strikes familiar with you. He says…

[dramatic violin music plays]

King Arthur: The very name of this realm, Angrave.

Crawford: Mm-hmm.

King Arthur: It is just that. It is a grave of the dark god, En.

Crawford: Oh.

King Arthur: The nocturnal god? You— Puppet. You‘re a religious man?

Surely you‘re familiar with the pantheon, and their great and terrible

works?

Brother Phileaux: A specifically religious puppet, yes I am. Yes.

King Arthur: Well then, you would know Ahn, the— Whose dominion is

that of the natural world at night, god of foxes, owls…

Brother Phileaux: Mm-hmm.

King Arthur: And mock orange bushes and bats and all those sleepy

time fools.

Brother Phileaux: Yes.

Crawford: Mm.

Justin: How would you spell this word, Griffin? ‗Cause I‘m trying— with

the accent and everything, I don‘t know.

Griffin: A-H-N.

Justin: Ahn?

Griffin: Ahn.

Crawford: Sounds like a cool dude.

Lady Godwin: Well.

King Arthur: He perhaps was at one time, a neutral lord, but he was

extremely vain and he sought to preserve his beauty eternally, which was

a wish granted to him by the cruel trickster god, Joki.

Crawford: Mm.

Brother Phileaux: Mm.

Lady Godwin: [skeptical] Mm…

King Arthur: None of this is ringing a bell?

Lady Godwin: What‘s this— Say— Sorry, say it once more.

King Arthur: The cruel trickster god, Joki.

Lady Godwin: Once more.

King Arthur: Joki.

Clint: [chuckles]

King Arthur: Which part are you struggling with?

Lady Godwin: None of it. It‘s exactly what I heard.

Clint: [chuckles]

Lady Godwin: I thought you said, and that is what I thought I heard,

and I heard it thrice, so thus it is settled.

Crawford: Now it‘s locked in, yeah.

King Arthur: Joki‘s curse made him—

Crawford: Mm.

King Arthur: — so that he never aged.

Brother Phileaux: Yes.

King Arthur: But also never changed. His hunger never satisfied, his

thirst never quenched, and he spiraled down a path of darkness.

Brother Phileaux: Yes.

King Arthur: To become one of ancient history‘s nastier gods. This isn‘t

ringing any bells for you?

Brother Phileaux: No, it is. It is. It‘s also the root for the expression ―on

and on.‖

King Arthur: Yes.

Brother Phileaux: He just went on and on.

King Arthur: Precisely.

Brother Phileaux: And that‘s why we say ―on and on,‖ yes.

King Arthur: This dude knows.

Justin: [laughs]

Brother Phileaux: I have—

Crawford: Mine‘s more like street smarts. I didn‘t do a lot of like

religious studying or what not.

King Arthur: Oh, let me illuminate you. Eons ago, his acolytes tried to

summon him to this realm.

Crawford: Yeah.

King Arthur: But you know how those things go.

Crawford: Oh yeah, man.

King Arthur: They— A misplaced candle here, a substitution for gardenia

petals for moonflower petals here, ritual—

Brother Phileaux: Mm.

Crawford: Somebody sneezes at the wrong time.

King Arthur: Someone sneezes, the ritual got fucked up, they

summoned him hundreds of feet lower than they intended to. And—

Crawford: Bummer.

Lady Godwin: Gross.

King Arthur: But he now dwells in the land where Angrave sits. It is

Ahn‘s grave.

Crawford: And is he happy about that, or?

King Arthur: Would you be happy about that? Being unsatisfiable…

Crawford: Mm.

King Arthur: For eternity, buried underground?

Lady Godwin: Dracula, is he a minion of Ahn, or some sort of extension?

King Arthur: His foulest minion.

Lady Godwin: Mm.

Crawford: Mm.

King Arthur: He has claimed his power—

Crawford: Stuart.

King Arthur: His powers of immortality and regeneration.

Travis: Stuart is the foulest Minion, right?

King Arthur: Which one?

Crawford: Stuart?

King Arthur: I don‘t know of which you speak. I‘ve been—

Crawford: He loves bananas.

King Arthur: I‘ve been bones for two centuries.

Justin: [laughs]

Crawford: He loves banana!

Clint: [chuckles]

King Arthur: Someone illuminate me! This peasant is saying the

strangest—

Lady Godwin: Oh.

Crawford: Illumination indeed!

Lady Godwin: Illumination indeed. [wheezes] See— [chuckles]

King Arthur: What are you laughing about?! What are you joking about?!

I don‘t understand!

Lady Godwin: [wheezes] I—

Brother Phileaux: It‘s the accent. It‘s— They‘re just—

Lady Godwin: May I just—

Brother Phileaux: They are amused by your accent. It‘s alright.

Lady Godwin: Are you familiar with the kinetoscope?

King Arthur: Yes. It‘s a— Merlin showed it to me last week. Or I guess

two hundred years ago and some change.

Crawford: Yeah.

Lady Godwin: Yes. What was depicted in your— in Merlin‘s kinetoscope,

if I may ask?

King Arthur: The funniest motion picture you‘ve ever seen in your life,

you would absolutely shit your drawers—

Lady Godwin: Okay.

King Arthur: — if you had seen this film.

Lady Godwin: Okay.

King Arthur: It was a man, and he was on a horse.

Justin: [giggles]

King Arthur: But then he fell down.

Lady Godwin: Yes.

King Arthur: And then a lady came over, and a stiff breeze kind of

wiggled her dress around. It was—

Lady Godwin: [giggles with delight]

King Arthur: It had every— This film had everything.

Lady Godwin: Okay.

Crawford: That‘s a lot of heart, you know what I mean.

Lady Godwin: So. Imagine if—

King Arthur: I cried upon first seeing the motion—

Justin: [giggles]

King Arthur: Merlin‘s dirty, dirty movies.

Clint: [giggles]

Lady Godwin: Okay.

King Arthur: Is Minions like this?

Lady Godwin: Imagine if it‘s like that, but it‘s a bunch of angry egg

yolks.

King Arthur: I see.

Lady Godwin: And they‘re just getting into all sorts of different business.

King Arthur: Yes.

Lady Godwin: They— One of— They are called the ―Minions‖ and there‘s

one of them, I‘m assuming his name‘s Steve, I don‘t know the—

Crawford: Stuart, I think, man.

Lady Godwin: — the lore.

King Arthur: [chuckles regally]

Lady Godwin: Stuart.

King Arthur: [continues chuckling]

Lady Godwin: See, this is—

King Arthur: The little egg yolk men have human names, Christian

names.

Crawford: [wheezes] Indeed.

Lady Godwin: Indeed. There‘s— Though that‘s the only Christian thing

about them. [chuckles]

Clint: [laughs]

Lady Godwin: They are so far from God‘s light.

King Arthur: And the nudity?

Justin: [wheezes]

Crawford: Oh, it‘s there, man. You see one of ‗em wears a thong in one

of the movies, man.

King Arthur: [chuckles]

Crawford: And he‘s in a hot tub with I think a teddy bear or somethin‘?

Brother Phileaux: Yes.

Lady Godwin: They hang dome in every film, I assume.

Crawford: Yeah, man.

Clint: [laughs]

Lady Godwin: I just want to talk about anything else. Hmph!

King Arthur: We hate Dracula.

Crawford: Okay.

King Arthur: For his foul perverse tastes, but I must say, seeing Merlin‘s

pornographic films that he makes has—

Justin: [snorts]

King Arthur: — awakened in me an— my own sort of darkness.

Crawford: Well, you‘ll have to pray on that one, my bud.

King Arthur: What were we talking about?

Brother Phileaux: Oh, I—

Lady Godwin: If I understand, Dracula you believe is unkillable.

Crawford: Mm-hmm.

Lady Godwin: But—

King Arthur: He carries the powers of Ahn, he is invincible, he will—

Lady Godwin: But Ahn… seems very present, no?

King Arthur: Ahn—

Lady Godwin: And immobile, and physical.

King Arthur: Ahn… is at his weakest. Must be.

Lady Godwin: Oh, of course. Oh, okay.

Justin: So I‘m gonna get Jennifer Wheeler.

Griffin: ‗Kay.

Justin: And I‘m gonna— Sorry.

Griffin: Jennifer Meyers.

Justin: Jennifer Meyers.

Griffin: Who‘s Jennifer Wheeler?

Justin: Sorry, Jennifer Wheeler is running for mayor, Jennifer Godwin is

on House.

Griffin: [claps]

Clint: [wheezes]

Justin: Jennifer Meyers is my axe. Okay.

Griffin: Awesome.

Justin: I‘m gonna get Jennifer Meyers and I‘m just gonna like hit the

spine as hard as I can.

Griffin: Fuck yeah. Make an attack roll, please.

Justin: Yeah, I‘ll just go ahead and wrap this up. I hope you guys have

got a new arc planned, ‗cause I am…

Griffin: [giggles]

Justin: Wrapping it up.

[sound of die rolling]

Justin: That‘s a nine plus six, see yah! Alright, welcome to The The The

Adventure Zone Zone Zone. Today it‘s a wrap up of our new arc.

[wheezes] A wrap up of our new arc, ended suddenly.

Griffin: Yeah. The princess climbs from the crack you made in the spine.

Travis: Yeah?

Justin: [wheezes]

Griffin: ―I was trapped in there all along, travelers.‖

Justin: [scoffs]

Griffin: You chop into the spine… and another pair of those tremors

comes shooting down the tunnel in front of you, but it is followed by

another tremor that is much louder, much more sort of shrill, it is a

grinding shrieking sound.

[shrieking sound effect plays]

Griffin: From in the distance, down the tunnel you have sort of crossed

over the bridge into. You didn‘t seem to do a ton of damage to this

enormous like 15-foot-wide spine.

Justin: Mm-hmm.

Griffin: But you have done something here. You also hear some voices

down at the end of that hallway, who were sort of chanting in rhythm,

and that seems to have been disrupted slightly by what has just

happened.

Travis: Cool. I hate chanting.

Griffin: Yeah.

Crawford: Hey Arthur man.

King Arthur: Yes.

Crawford: Just real quick, just to check in, ‗cause I think Godwin is

probably gonna chop that spine again. That‘s usually her style.

Lady Godwin: [clicks her tongue twice with a finger guns vibe]

Crawford: When sh—

Justin: Hey Trav, great read, and thank you for recognizing my decorum

in allowing you to slide on in there.

Travis: You‘re welcome.

Griffin: [giggles]

Justin: Despite definitely being about to hit the spine again.

Crawford: When shit goes down, Arthur, do you want us to chuck you

back in the pit or take you with us? I just wanted to get a read on that

first, man. You uncomfortable—

King Arthur: I am of two—

Lady Godwin: Are you happy here?

King Arthur: I am of two minds, but am I happy here? Do you see any

kinetoscopes down in the bone pile?

Crawford: Yeah.

Justin: [laughs]

King Arthur: I tried—

Crawford: You‘ve been cut off from pornography for 200 years, man.

That‘s gotta suck.

King Arthur: Well sometimes the bones… We all get together and put on

a show.

Travis: [chuckles]

King Arthur: For the other ones.

Justin: [laughs]

King Arthur: A real bone show.

Crawford: Uh-huh.

King Arthur: If you know—

Crawford: Yeah.

King Arthur: That‘s what we call them. Anyway, not particularly, but I

can‘t leave here without my crew, and like I said, it would take 7200

approximately trips down to free them all. Our only hope is to wait until

enough people have been killed—

Justin: [wheezes]

King Arthur: — by Dracula and Ahn and their bones thrown in here, that

we can eventually rise to the top.

Crawford: Have you ever tried makin‘ one big, tall guy? Okay, don‘t

worry about it. Go ahead, Godwin!

King Arthur: Have we ever tried making one big, tall guy?

[sound of die rolling]

Justin: That‘s a 20.

King Arthur: Have we ever tried stacking up?

Justin: I rolled a 20 on that one.

Travis: A nat 20.

Justin: 20 plus six.

Griffin: Okay. Oh did you—

Justin: 26.

Griffin: Oh, was it a nat 20?

Justin: Yes, it was a natural 20 plus six.

Griffin: Okay, you take a chunk out this time, for sure. You hack close to

one of the discs and just cleave off a good, [clicks tongue in thought] I

don‘t know, like two-foot-long shard of bone.

Justin: Sick, but I— And yet, I didn‘t roll damage, isn‘t that interesting.

Huh.

Griffin: Well, I‘m not going to—

Justin: Huh. Isn‘t that interesting.

Clint: [chuckles]

Griffin: Yes, okay roll damage, sure.

Justin: No, I— No, Griffin, message received.

Griffin: [cackles]

Justin: Message received. I won‘t hit it with my axe again, alright.

Travis: I am gonna pocket that shard though.

Griffin: Cool yeah.

Justin: Ooo, yeah. Help yourself.

Griffin: Add it to your inventory.

Travis: A little bit of god bone? Don‘t mind if I do!

Griffin: [chuckles] Don‘t mind if I do, yeah, you—

Lady Godwin: Okay.

Griffin: You pocket that very quickly.

Lady Godwin: So that didn‘t— So, announcement. That didn‘t work.

King Arthur: Um, yes.

Lady Godwin: I‘m out of ideas. [wheezes]

Crawford: Okay.

King Arthur: His powers, as [sighs] unlikely as this must be to believe I

don‘t believe are stored in the bones.

Lady Godwin: Oh. Ohhhh.

King Arthur: These—

Crawford: Okay. Now what about this though, now that we got that

chunk in there, we put this stick of dynamite where you made that weak

spot. Blow this whole thing straight to hell, what do you think?

King Arthur: I don‘t know what dyna— Is dynamite like Minions?

Crawford: Yeah, it‘s like a Minion that explodes real big.

King Arthur: Okay… Doesn‘t sound very erotic.

Crawford: Oh well, you ain‘t seen it yet.

Justin: [wheezes] [laughs]

King Arthur: I… believe you may have just kicked the hornet‘s nest a bit.

So—

Crawford: There‘s hornets here too?!

King Arthur: Are hornets nocturnal? I don‘t think so.

Crawford: Naw.

King Arthur: No, then no.

Crawford: Not hornets, man. Okay.

King Arthur: Hornets you won‘t have to contend with. If you wouldn‘t

mind sort of… Man. Gently lowering me down to my boys.

Travis: I kinda— I make a little handkerchief parachute for him.

King Arthur: That‘s great, yes. I‘ve got a bone show tonight that I can‘t

be late for. I‘m something of a star down there.

Clint: [giggles]

Lady Godwin: A bone show, you say.

Justin: [wheezes]

King Arthur: Yes.

Clint & Justin: [giggle]

Crawford: Well—

King Arthur: So, anyway…

Crawford: Good bonin‘ to yah!

King Arthur: Catch you guys later.

Travis: And I chuck him off.

Crawford: Yeet!

King Arthur: Waaaaah!

Lady Godwin: You sure you don‘t wanna come? Oh, well.

King Arthur: [from a distance] Wait! Get me back Excalibur when you

find—! Oh shoot, I forgot to tell— Oh man.

Lady Godwin: No!

King Arthur: [from a distance] Hey, can you guys hear me still?

Lady Godwin: Just—

Crawford: A little bit.

Lady Godwin: We‘ll keep it, thank you.

King Arthur: [from a distance] Hey, when you hold Excalibur, make—

wear a glove or something, or else you‘ll become the King of England.

Justin: [laughs]

King Arthur: [from a distance] That‘s how it works.

Lady Godwin: Does that mean that rest of us will be ruled by a sentient

glove?

King Arthur: [from a distance] Mm… Shit.

Justin: [wheezes]

King Arthur: [from a distance] I‘ve worn gloves holding Excalibur before.

Justin: [wheezes]

King Arthur: [from a distance] Are you telling me that—?

Justin: [giggles]

Brother Phileaux: That was a hell of a parachute you must‘ve made.

Crawford: What was that?

Brother Phileaux: That drift.

Crawford: Was the glove sentient? I think that‘s the key. That‘s the k—

‗Cause just a regular glove—

Lady Godwin: Glover? Like Glover?

King Arthur: [from a distance] Like Glover, yes. No yes, he was sentient.

I thought it was like a Merlin— one of Merlin‘s many pranks.

Crawford: Yeah.

Lady Godwin: Well, we‘ve gotta get going.

Justin: [wheezes]

King Arthur: [from a distance] Oh my god…

Justin: [laughs]

Brother Phileaux: Godspeed.

Lady Godwin: [through laughter] He‘s at the bottom of a pit. God‘s light

doesn‘t even reach here anymore.

Brother Phileaux: That‘s true, yes.

King Arthur: [from a distance] Guys! Are you still there?

Justin: [laughs]

Brother Phileaux: No!

King Arthur: [from a distance] Guys! Are you still there?

Lady Godwin: [strained from laughter] You gotta stop answering him.

Brother Phileaux: Yes! What is it?

King Arthur: [from a distance] Does this one look like my pelvis?

Crawford: Okay, bye man.

Justin: [giggles]

King Arthur: [from a distance] Oh, you didn‘t see me with it before.

Lady Godwin: [through laughter] We gotta go.

Brother Phileaux: God… Don‘t you hate it when somebody invited over

just hangs around and hangs around.

Crawford: Well, we‘re gonna let you go, man.

Lady Godwin: Alright.

King Arthur: [from a distance] Alright! [pause] Take her sleazy!

Justin: [wheezes] I walk away. I‘m walking away.

Travis: Yeah, we‘re down the hall, we‘re gone.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: What incantation do I need to say to get us out of this moment?

Griffin: [giggles] He‘s gone.

[piano transition music plays]

[ad break]

[light organ music plays]

Griffin: I‘m going to move over in Roll20. To here.

Clint: Ooo.

Justin: Huh?

Griffin: You all walk down another tunnel. As you do, these pairs of

reverberations get louder, and louder.

[earth tremor sound effects play]

Griffin: And as you reach the end of the tunnel, there‘s like a sharp curve

to the left, and as you approach that curve, you just see just bright red

light.

[humming light sound effect plays]

Griffin: Pouring out of that room, like tanning bed level light, that is

shining into this tunnel, and as you turn the corner you see the source of

it.

You are in another underground chamber, but this one is way different

from the others you‘ve seen in this underground headquarters of the Cult

of the Buried Blood.

There is a water feature, although that is a misleading name. There is a

sort of river that cleaves through the center of this room, dividing it into

two chunks. You can see that there‘s some very just plank bridges

crossing this river that‘s about 10 feet wide.

At the center of where this river cuts through the room, you see a heart.

And not a fun Valentine‘s Day heart, but a anatomical heart that is… for

one thing, gigantic.

Travis: Mm-hmm.

Griffin: It is sort of tilting in this room, but it‘s about 20 feet from bottom

to top. It is embedded in the ground, and it is— It seems to be sort of

crystallized. It is red stone surrounded by sort of a pale sort of amber

stone, encasing the heart. It is shining this brilliant red light all around

the room, you can see a couple of other sort of features.

One you can see there is what look like cell bars, like jail cell bars, in front

of an entrance into a sort of small antechamber of this room. At the far

end of the room, you see a large, rusted iron portcullis, with a great big

heavy chain and pulley to operate it. The portcullis is closed.

You also see people in this room. They do not seem to have taken notice

of you, but you discover the source of the chanting here. You see a half

dozen cultists surrounding this heart, standing on the land on either side

of it. They are kneeling and chanting in time with the reverberations,

which you now realize are heartbeats coming from this great crystal

heart.

You also see this just abomination. It looks like an extremely, extremely

like Frankenstein operation, like a DIY. But it is gigantic, it is a flesh

golem that is standing in front of the bars guarding the little jail that they

have set up.

Through the bars, one last thing you recognize. You see the familiar

Frankenstein visage of Hyde, of Jekyll and Hyde, the duo that you battled

on the High Road before Hyde sort of ran off after turning Jekyll into a

vampire.

That is what you see as you come into this room, none of the figures in

here have noticed you yet. There are some sort of smaller red crystals

that you‘re able to post up behind as you get the lay of the land here.

Justin: Is there a way to get— Is there an obvious— Is it here that we

can get around, or?

Griffin: Yes, you— So you can see that the caves sort of close up around

the— where— the source and the exit of the river in this room, so those

don‘t appear to be good sources of egress. By the way the water in here

is dark red.

Travis: Yeah, what‘s the smell like?

Griffin: Extremely metallic in this room.

Travis: Mmm, so blood.

Justin: Yeah, I feel like it might be blood.

Travis: I think it might be blood.

Griffin: It could be a blood situation.

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: There‘s—

Clint: So—

Griffin: You see—

Clint: Is it flowing far to our left?

Griffin: North to south, yeah.

Clint: It‘s flowing down.

Griffin: Yes.

Clint: From the heart?

Griffin: Yes. And—

Clint: Is it flowing into the heart?

Griffin: And into the heart.

Clint: Into the heart up above.

Griffin: Yeah, that is how blood goes, in a body.

Travis: Yeah. Mutt says to Godwin and Phileaux.

Crawford: Stay here.

Travis: An activates the tabard he‘s wearing.

Griffin: Oh, okay.

Travis: That masks his face.

Griffin: Oh, yes.

Travis: And makes him look like one of ‗em.

Griffin: Okay. To answer the earlier question, the exit from here you

assume to be the portcullis. It‘s in the same direction that you‘ve sort of

been travelling this whole time. It is at the northern exit of the room, but

it is a big heavy closed gate.

Okay, you activate the runes on the collar of this cloak, and as you do,

red steam begins to shoot up from your cowl, surrounding your face.

Godwin and Phileaux, you can see this and you see Mutt‘s head just like

vanish inside of this smoke. Mutt, you realize you can see out of this

smoke.

Travis: Oh good.

Griffin: It‘s not like a—

Travis: I didn‘t even consider that as a possible—

Griffin: Yes.

Travis: Like the opposite of that as a possibility, so I‘m really glad.

Griffin: Yes, so you activate it.

Travis: Can I understand— I wanna mimic the chanting as best I can,

and kinda blend in with it, and start like movin‘ towards the heart, movin‘

towards the group.

Griffin: Cool. I mean, for that I will need a Performance check. If you are

trying to just like roll up on this drum circle like, ―Hi guys, I was also here

the whole time,‖ then.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: That is what I‘m going for with a plus zero in Performance.

[sound of die rolling]

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: [laughs]

Travis: Aw 19, thank god!

Justin: That is—

Travis: Bounced off a one.

Griffin: Sure. Okay, yeah. You just kind of like breezily step forward, and

you hear them all just saying like [chanting in an unknown language],

just like chanting, you know. And you just— [chuckles]

Travis: I knew it.

Griffin: [chanting] ―I would like to—‖

Travis & Griffin: [chanting in rough unison] ―— reach out my hands.‖

Justin: [laughs] Love it.

Travis & Griffin: [chanting in rough unison] ―Oh mah say oh. On the—‖

Justin: You guys really know how to speak to our audience.

Travis: Yeah. We—

Justin: You know our demo.

Griffin: [laughs] You can‘t— You literally do run up to ―Rusted roots, send

me on my way,‖ and where are you stepping? There‘s sort of— On one

bank you see like five cultists being led by one cultist on the other side of

the river. Where are you walking to?

Travis: I‘m trying to get as close to like the one cultist on my side. I‘m

trying to get— I‘m lookin‘ for an opportunity to try to like figure out

what‘s going on with Hyde.

Griffin: Sure.

Travis: And…

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: With this situation. I‘m right now just trying to infiltrate and

create opportunities.

Griffin: Okay. Give me a… Constitution saving throw.

[sound of die rolling]

Travis: Mm, a 12.

Griffin: You are doing a pretty good job blending in here. You walk up,

you are dressed the part, and you can tell that sort of these cowls that

everyone is wearing that is like projecting this red smoke, it is designed

to disguise the appearance of these people. And so it is not actually that

difficult for you to pull this off.

However, as you‘re sort of kneeling by the heart and doing this chant, a

heartbeat tremor shoots out of the heart, and it is really intense, and it

sort of— You have to like catch yourself to stop yourself from falling

backwards, and the cult fanatic leader here sort of catches it out of the

side of his eye.

After that heartbeat finishes, the cult leader stands, and the other cultists

on the other bank stand too, and just sort of look at the heart

contemplating it, but no longer seem to be in any kind of like… ritual

around it. The cult leader steps forward and says—

Cult Leader: Ah, hello brother. You must remember to anticipate the

movements of the great lord‘s heart, it‘s…

Crawford: Yeah, man.

Cult Leader: It is profane to let it push you or move you in any way.

Crawford: Yeah man, sorry yeah.

Cult Leader: We must remain resolute like our very lord himself.

Crawford: The spirit was just movin‘ through me.

Cult Leader: Oh, I get it man. I get it, I get it. Been there. Well, anyway.

Back to… Back to chanting, I guess.

Crawford: Hey man, real quick, can I ask you a question?

Cult Leader: Yeah.

Crawford: Sorry, I‘m late, it was— bathroom. What happened with the—

Justin: [wheezes]

Crawford: What happened with Hyde there, man? Behind— I don‘t

wanna gossip, but—

Cult Leader: You‘re not going to believe this. Brother Hyde turned on his

own ward.

Crawford: What?

Cult Leader: Doctor Jekyll, you remember, a sweet man, sweet guy.

Crawford: Yeah man.

Cult Leader: Turned on him in his hour of need.

Crawford: Aw man. Bullshit.

Cult Leader: Threw a potion— threw some of our sacred— some of our

sacred juice at Jekyll.

Crawford: Nooo.

Cult Leader: In a—

Crawford: Threw it?

Cult Leader: Threw it away.

Crawford: Threw the juice?

Cult Leader: Blood— Threw the blood of our lord, can you believe it?

Anyway, his treachery was discovered.

Crawford: Yeah.

Cult Leader: By you know who.

Crawford: Oh yeah.

Cult Leader: And he points up at the sky.

Crawford: Yeah man.

Cult Leader: And for that he has been duly punished. We will be feeding

him… later. This afternoon, actually.

Crawford: Feedin‘ him to the big guy?

Cult Leader: [chuckles] The big guy, that‘s cute. Yes.

Crawford: Yeah man. That‘s what I call him.

Cult Leader: Well. Should probably get back to chanting, huh. These

chants aren‘t going to recite themselves.

Crawford: Nah, nah man, no. Um…

Griffin: He kneels and starts in again.

Travis: I‘m gonna scoot over that way. I mean, clearly I‘ve already

shown an interest in Hyde.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: I‘m gonna go that way here.

Griffin: Make a… Make a Stealth check for me.

Travis: Okay…

[sound of die rolling]

Travis: A 19 plus four, a 23.

Griffin: Shit man.

Clint: Woo!

Griffin: Alright man, yeah. You can tell that the leader here gives you

another little side eye as you stand up and walk away, like—

Cult Leader: What is—

Travis: I stand up and rub my tummy like—

Crawford: I did— You don‘t wanna be near.

Griffin: He nods.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: He—

Justin: [scoffs] He gets it, dude.

Travis: Yeah. [chuckles]

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: He goes—

Cult Leader: [chants] See me on my way. [normal] These mushrooms—

Crawford: Yeah, right.

Cult Leader: These fuckin‘ mushrooms. [chants] See me on my way.

[normal] The mushrooms right? They‘re fuckin‘—

Crawford: Yeah right, man.

Cult Leader: [chants] I would like— [normal] Do you know if they have

yoga— [chants] – to reach out my hand.

Crawford: I gotta get my gut floor in check, man.

Griffin: Sure. Okay, so you‘re making your way over towards the bars.

Godwin and Phileaux, what are you guys doing? I will say that this ruse

has been quite successful so far and Mutt is definitely attracting most of

the attention in this room.

Travis: Positive.

Griffin: Positively, in a positive way. He‘s doing a good job so far. What

are you guys doing? If you‘re just posting up, that‘s fine, but if you

wanna—

Justin: I would like to…

Travis: [sings] ―Reach out my hand.‖

Griffin: [chuckles]

Justin: [laughs] No. I‘d like to— I wanna continue— We never do this,

but I would like to attempt to continue to observe.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Their behaviors and their activities, to see if I can pick up

anything else while I‘m standing here. I don‘t wanna be active right now,

but I do— would like to pay attention.

Griffin: Hmm, okay.

Travis: You‘re gathering intel.

Justin: Yeah, so maybe— I don‘t know if it‘s Perception, Investigation.

Travis: Maybe he‘s able to observe that one of them has like a deathly

allergy to tree nuts.

Justin: I‘d like to—

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: I mean I‘m also thinking like in terms of their behaviors.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Like how they‘re carrying themselves, like to maybe aid in

blending in.

Griffin: Yeah, gotchu.

Travis: Yeah, how confident are they?

Griffin: Make an Investigation check for me.

[sound of die rolling]

Justin: Perfect, that‘s a seven, plus nothing.

Griffin: The guys seem to be saying the same stuff.

Justin: Mm.

Clint: [scoffs]

Griffin: And it‘s like so weird, like how do they know when to say it, how

to say it, it‘s like— It is weird.

Justin: It‘s weird, got it. Yeah it‘s weird and they‘re doing weird stuff, got

it.

Griffin: Becau— Just for the basic look around, you see in the corner of

this room there‘s like a little alcove that‘s fairly dark. The light of the

heart does not seem to be penetrating in there.

Justin: Hmm.

Griffin: And inside that alcove, you hear…

[insectoid sound effect plays]

Griffin: Sort of a chittering noise coming from it.

Justin: Okay, I‘ll—

Griffin: Phileaux, are you doing anything?

Justin: Ta— I‘ll go over and take a listen. Whenever Phileaux‘s done.

Clint: Phileaux wants to get a sample of the… the river.

Griffin: Oh, cool.

Clint: In one of his vials.

Griffin: Okay, I‘ll need a Stealth check for this.

Travis: Oh boy.

Griffin: I will say that you will have advantage, basically from the aid of

Mutt, you know, attracting a lot of the attention in this room.

Clint: Okay.

[sound of die rolling]

Clint: First off is a 12.

Griffin: Okay. Can you do any better than that?

Travis: What can you do? What do we need to do to put you in this

shadow today?

Justin: It‘s a good offering, Dad, but. [chuckles]

[sound of die rolling]

Clint: The answer is no.

Travis: Oop.

Clint: ‗Cause that‘s a seven.

Griffin: Okay, you get a vial. And walk over, I guess, to the nearest point

where the river flows out of this room. And you— How do you collect this?

Clint: Just lean my little puppet arm down and… scoop up a little bit of

the blood in the vial.

Griffin: Okay, you do so. You—

Justin: Can I assist? Do they need help?

Griffin: I mean he did already have help.

Justin: Okay, yeah, sure.

Griffin: He did already—

Justin: Okay, sure.

Griffin: He did this with the Help action. You collect blood in a vial, easy.

You reach another vial in to gain as much of this precious like

unbelievably powerful resource, but as you reach in for the second time, a

bone floating down this river connects with your hand holding the bottle,

and it makes a pretty loud ―plink!‖ noise.

[plink sound effect plays]

Griffin: And when that happens, a couple of these cultists peel off to

come investigate the sound. Um… [pause] I think you would‘ve heard the

sound too, Mutt. From across the room. Maybe not able to see exactly

where it came from, but you would know it is in the direction where you

party was hiding.

Travis: Okay.

Justin: I‘m gonna check out the noise then while they‘re distracted.

Griffin: Okay. The— It is— This little alcove is, you can see on the map, a

decent distance away from you, so I will also need a Stealth check.

Travis: Is it this one to the right?

Griffin: To the right, yes. Not the jail alcove, but like this little tunnel

door. Yeah, get up in there.

Justin: Ohhhh, there. Okay, yeah.

[sound of die rolling]

Justin: Wow, they just don‘t come lower than that, huh. Numbers on the

die.

Griffin: That is a critical fail, but I will give you advantage on this Stealth

check as well, since I gave it to Phileaux.

Justin: Thank you.

[sound of die rolling]

Griffin: We‘ll say these actions happen sort of simultaneously.

Justin: Six plus two, eight. [chuckles]

Griffin: Okay, as you sneak across the room to the edge of this tunnel,

when you reach it, you are having trouble seeing down into it. You can‘t

quite tell how deep it is.

As you approach though, you step on like some loose small rocks on the

ground, which sort of scratch against the stone surface of this cave floor.

When that happens, you see… eyes appear inside the tunnel, a lot of sort

of very small, sort of yellow eyes, with narrow slits.

Some near the ceiling, some near the floor, you see several dozen of

them all open and look in your direction. Nothing seems to move though.

Or Mutt, I guess.

Travis: So, I am aware that both of them have beefed something.

Griffin: Yes, you‘ve— Yes.

Travis: I‘m gonna do something Griffin that I can‘t believe in 2000

episodes of Adventure Zone, none of us have ever done. I‘m gonna

attempt to rip a big fart.

Justin: [laughs]

Travis: [chuckles] To draw attention away from both of their noises.

Clint: [giggles]

Travis: I have established tummy issues.

Griffin: I hate—

Justin: [wheezes]

Griffin: Yeah. No, I hate—

Travis: And I feel like this is really gonna sell it, while distracting

everybody.

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: Yeah man, no, like I get it. Like you did set it up. Like narratively

it—

Justin: [wheezes]

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: It makes sense that you would—

Justin: It‘s not like—

Griffin: That‘s not the worst part. The worst part is that so many things

have happened so far that make this make sense.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: And it makes me question like the whole thing.

Travis: Yeah. Yeah no, I get that, I get that.

Justin: Yeah, it‘s— if this is the prestige, color me impressed.

Travis: Yeah, it‘s all been working up to this.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And a Constitution check is the best thing I can think of.

Griffin: It‘s all I can think, yeah. Let me call Gary and see what this is—

No, yeah, let‘s do a Constitution check. I don‘t know if you wanna fail it. I

think the lower you get on this Constitution check the better, Trav.

Justin: That‘s— [wheezes]

Travis: Now see I would say the lower, I‘m not— either not able to, or I

shit my pants.

Justin: [wheezes]

Griffin: You know what I‘m gonna say, Trav? Actually, if you give me a

10 to 15, this works. We—

Justin: [giggles]

Griffin: I like this model. 10 to 15 it works.

Travis: Uh-huh.

Griffin: Below a 10, I don‘t think you can get this goin‘. Above a 15.

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: It works maybe a little too good.

Travis: Okay. [wheezes] Oh boy.

Griffin: So give me that— Just a check, not a saving throw, just a check.

Travis: The stakes.

Griffin: 10 to 15 is what we‘re looking for, it‘s a lo—

[sound of die rolling]

Travis: Oh no.

Griffin: It‘s a good range. [wheezes]

Justin: [wheezes]

Griffin: It‘s a 21.

Travis: [chuckles] It‘s a 21.

Justin: [laughs] 21!

Travis: It‘s a 21.

Justin: That‘s higher than mathematically possible!

Travis: It‘s a 21.

Justin: [laughs] That means supernatural events have occurred.

Griffin: [wheezes]

Justin: Because no natural poop could exceed a 20, right? So this is—

[wheezes] there‘s some sort of— [wheezes] supernatural element to how

bad Travis— [wheezes] shit his pants.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: [chuckles]

Clint: Been there, done that. Whew!

Griffin: It‘s—

Justin: No Dad, what I‘m— Listen—

Griffin: No Dad, you don‘t understand.

Travis: [wheezes]

Justin: You can‘t—

Griffin: You can‘t have done this.

Justin: In our realm. [wheezes] [through laughter] On this mortal plane,

you can‘t experience a 21.

Travis: So now this— what this requires Griffin, for you, is to tell me the

outcome. Of this 21.

Justin: Tell us how— [wheezes]

Griffin: Thanks Travis, for telling me how to play Dungeons & Dragons. I

do appreciate that.

Justin: [wheezes]

Travis: Well you‘ve made my character—

Griffin: I appreciate that this is untread ground for this genre.

Justin: [laughs]

Travis: I over succeeded on a fart.

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: Yeah. It‘s not…

Justin: I think—

Griffin: It‘s—

Justin: Now at least what you can say is that whenever people are

comparing the greatest actual play podcast, at least the conversation will

have a few ―Yeah, but.‖

Griffin: ―But.‖

Clint: [wheezes]

Griffin: ―There was—‖ Okay. [sighs] You… It‘s not long and gnarly and

yucky. It is—

Justin: It‘s wide.

Griffin: It is—

Justin: [laughs]

Travis: It‘s wide and resinous.

Justin: It‘s wide and—

Clint: [chuckles]

Griffin: It‘s fast—

Travis: It vibrates at a frequency only dogs can hear.

Griffin: It‘s fast and deep and violent.

Justin: [giggles]

Griffin: And it is— I‘m not going to make the sound, and Rachel, we don‘t

usually sort of give advice on the post-production of the show—

Justin: [wheezes]

Griffin: — while we‘re in the middle of it, but I wouldn‘t feel compelled to

add a sound here.

Travis: No.

Justin: Let‘s leave a space for it, so people can know if it‘s going to

happen or not.

Griffin: But it‘s—

Clint: It could be—

Justin: Like it‘s Rachel‘s discretion.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: But it should have a discrete locale that we can put up.

Griffin: It‘s—

Clint: Silent but deadly.

Justin: [cackles]

Griffin: No, it‘s not. It‘s loud— It‘s very, very— I can‘t stress this enough,

loud and fast and short. I‘m not going to like enunciate it too much, but

it‘s of the rhythm and timbre of like, ―Voom.‖

[deep horn sound effect plays]

Griffin: Like—

Travis: Oh boy!

Griffin: Like su— Yeah. But it‘s like everyone knows.

Justin: Like clap.

Griffin: So these cultists over here run to the edge of the river to look—

Justin: Like low-lying thunder from far across the horizon.

Griffin: These guys are gonna come up here to the bridge, ‗cause they

think they‘re under attack.

Justin: Sure.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: The flesh golem is going to take a huge step away from you.

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: Like as far away— So there‘s like a perimeter sort of forming

here, a wall of these heroes.

Travis: [chuckles]

Griffin: Trying to protect their lord.

Travis: A frontline.

Griffin: The frontline against this act that has just taken place.

Justin: [wheezes]

Travis: These are the first responders.

Griffin: These dead skeletons inside of the prison cell—

Travis: Which I don‘t think I even knew were there.

Justin: [wheezes]

Griffin: No, they move backwards.

Justin: Make things more vile.

Griffin: Hyde.

Travis: I‘m gonna start, Griffin, wafting—

Clint: I love—!

Travis: Wafting it towards—

Clint: I love—!

Justin: [through laughter] Wafting it. [wheezes]

Travis: I‘m wafting it towards Hyde to try to sell it to the rest of the

group.

Hyde: Ahhhhh!

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: He goes back.

Hyde: Oh bro, god!

Justin: [wheezes]

Hyde: Bro!

Crawford: Got ‗em.

Hyde: God! Is this— Have I not suffered enough, bro?

Crawford: You guys, I got him.

Clint: [giggles]

Griffin: The flesh golem gives three thumbs up.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: The cult leader walks over and says…

Cult Leader: Brother, you are— I— You may be excused for the day, if

you would like. You don‘t need to bring this energy into the workplace.

Crawford: Nah, I think I got a couple more in me and I wanna fill up that

dude‘s cell with ‗em.

Cult Leader: I— And I appreciate that, but we can‘t actually sell… We

can‘t feed our lord… meat that has been defiled in such a way. So as

funny as it is.

Crawford: And it‘s very funny.

Cult Leader: And it‘s— I‘m losing it. I must ask you to please restrain

yourself.

Crawford: Okay. I‘ll try, man. I‘m just gonna sit here with my back

against the wall for a second, try to curl up a little bit, see if I can relax

my tum-tum, if that‘s okay.

Cult Leader: Sure. Sure thing.

Crawford: I feel like if I walk right now, I‘m gonna get some of the

walkin‘ toots, and I don‘t think you guys want that.

Cult Leader: You can‘t have that.

Justin: [laughs]

Cult Leader: I‘m actually done talking about this now.

Crawford: I understand, man.

Cult Leader: [chants] I would like to—

Griffin: Goes right back into it.

Travis: [laughs] The focus, the dedication.

Griffin: So… You all… see these cultists sort of return to their duty, the

sounds that have been made here have—

Travis: Today, on this day.

Griffin: Today on this day, have pulled their attention back away, you are

not caught. What do you do?

Justin: I‘m still not quite sure what I‘m seeing, Griffin. Can you help me

to visualize it?

Griffin: If you— Now that you are sort of right up against this tunnel, if

you want to make a—

Justin: Is it a me-sized tunnel?

Griffin: Yes, yeah.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: And also Griffin, as far as elevation from the ground goes.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Where is he seeing these eyes?

Griffin: They‘re all around. If you imagine this tunnel as a circular tunnel,

there seem to be some on the ground, there seem to be some on the

ceiling. The eyes look very similar but they are of slightly different sizes.

It is… It‘s— It is a menagerie in there, you would assume. Phileaux, I will

say you have collected your sample now.

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: And secured a couple vials of this for future study. What are you

doing, now that you have?

Clint: How far is Phileaux from the heart?

Griffin: A good… like [vocalizes in thought] 40 feet or so.

Clint: Okay. [pause] Phileaux is going to cast— No, Phileaux is going to

drink his Alter Self potion.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: So he is going to transform into his aquatic adaptation from before.

Griffin: Oh shit, okay.

Clint: Slip into the bloodstream.

Travis: Gross.

Griffin: Wow, okay.

Justin: Yeah, you absolute nutter.

Clint: And start swimming towards the heart, underwater.

Griffin: Amazing, that‘s so cool. With your enhanced swim speed. What

does it look like again as you gain an aquatic form? I think we described it

as just sort of changes to your puppet anatomy.

Clint: ―Changes your body to an aquatic environment; gills, webbing

between your fingers.‖

Griffin: Cool.

Travis: Full limpet.

Griffin: Full limpet, that‘s right.

Clint: ―And gain a swimming speed equal to your walking speed.‖

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you are able to swim. I‘m not even going to make

you make a Stealth roll.

This is thick water, in fact you are having trouble like seeing through it. It

is only by the grace of the fact that you don‘t have regular eyes that sort

of… gain the sense in the traditional way that you are able to kind of

navigate in here.

But you have made it right up underneath the heart. You see bones

floating past you as you swim through the water. You get the idea that

something is killing things.

Travis: Mm.

Griffin: Upstream, and dragging them down.

Travis: Griffin, just to esta— While I‘m leaning against this door in the

wall.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: I‘m trying to pick the lock on this cage.

Griffin: Oh, interesting. Okay. So that‘s gonna be a Sleight of Hand

check. I will lower the DC because I think that you have, you know,

created a nice perimeter here for yourself.

Travis: Mm-hmm.

Griffin: Even the flesh golem has sort of stepped away from the line of

duty. So, let‘s see what—

[sound of die rolling]

Griffin: Oh my gosh, Trav.

Travis: A 23!

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: My checks are out of this world.

Griffin: They are fucking bonkers today. You— Okay.

Travis: 19 plus four.

Griffin: Yeah, 19 plus four. You have— Have you done this—? What

reason does a vampire have to— or a monster hunter have to be so good

at picking locks?

Travis: This is a lot of like training for being caught and escaping, you

know? Like training a kid— If you‘ve ever watched Psych, like the dad

trains his son.

Griffin: And I haven‘t.

Travis: Yeah. Chain— Tra— Not only like how to be like a good detective

but like how to escape from the trunk of a car.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: How to do this kind of thing, or like supernatural, know how to

pick locks to investigate. Because this isn‘t just monsters in the woods,

right? I might find a shack where a monster is holed up and I need to get

in there to find clues or free prisoners.

Clint: ―It was a monster shack.‖

Justin: [snorts]

Griffin: He— Yeah.

Travis: I love you so much, Dad.

Clint: You‘re welcome.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: No-one clocks this except for Hyde, who catches what‘s going on,

steps forward and says—

Hyde: [in a hushed voice] What‘s the game plan? What are we doing? We

just— We smashin‘ our way out of here? What‘s the plan? What— Who

sent you to rescue me? This is incredible.

Crawford: Yeah, sorry man.

Hyde: Nan— Was it Nancy?

Crawford: Uh…

Hyde: I knew Nancy loved me, dude. I know she‘s engaged—

Crawford: I will say, Nancy‘s energy maybe like led me here.

Hyde: Okay.

Crawford: But no, nobody sent me man, I‘m coming here on completely

different reasons and this is just happened to be how it worked out.

Hyde: Alright cool. Cool bro. So we smashin‘ out right now, or is there a

code word for when it‘s time to party?

Crawford: Okay, okay, okay. [yells] This guy‘s gettin‘ out!

Justin: [laughs]

Hyde: What? Bro!

Crawford: Yeah, he picked the lock, man! Somebody help me!

Griffin: [chuckles]

Justin & Clint: [laugh]

Griffin: You shout to bring all the attention to the room. As you do so,

Hyde, his eyes go really, really wide, and he just pushes the door open.

As he does so, it slams into the flesh golem, who goes plunging into the

waters. And… all of the cultists are going to make a beeline for the cage.

Travis: And I fall back like—

Griffin: Oh yeah. For sure. Okay. [giggles] Okay. [laughs] Okay. Hyde is

now standing at the mouth of this jail cell. The cultists have all run around

to take up arms against him.

We‘ll put those two right there. And… when that happens, Lady Godwin, I

think every eye inside of that tunnel springs open, and you hear the

sound of chittering—

[insectoid sound effects play]

Griffin: — and growling growing louder and louder, and stepping into the

light, you see wolves slowly walking towards you, licking their lips.

[light padding sound effects play]

Griffin: You see bats.

[bats chirping sound effects play]

Griffin: Beginning to flutter down the tunnel. You see… a great number of

nocturnal creatures, all waking up. Brother Phileaux… What are you

doing? I didn‘t know if you had some beat here for why you jumped in the

water to swim under the heart.

Clint: I think he… [pause] Well, the intent was I want Brother Phileaux to

enter the heart.

Griffin: To like climb into the heart?

Clint: Well I‘m assuming this river of blood is flowing through it.

Griffin: Okay, yeah. Cool.

Justin: Holy crap, Dad.

Griffin: That‘s— I mean that‘s metal as fuck, and I like it. You— Yeah.

You reach a large cavity in the, I believe, lower right ventricle of this

heart. And you, because of your diminutive size, have no problem

climbing in.

As you do, red light fills your senses. It comes in flashing pairs, and with

each one, you feel yourself feeling lighter, and you feel the blood that you

have been swimming through grow fainter and fainter, as though it‘s

fading away. Until you are… in a… dark void.

[eerie ambient hum sound effect plays]

Griffin: That is occasionally illuminated by two red pulses from beyond

your vision. And… after a few moments floating here.

[outro theme music fades in]

Griffin: Those two pulses illuminate a face. And… it is… the face of the

Turbo Cardinal.

[Versus Dracula theme music plays]

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